WAH and LBW separated and dark

[DumpedforMIL]

i started journaling and then i completely lost my statement by hitting the backspace key! i'm going to try and do this again.

i've lost all hope over the last few days. after hanging around the infidelity forum, i realize that my h's immaturity is hard to overcome. how do i hold a conversation with someone who acts like a 7 yr old who only wants his mommy?

i struggled with some residual anger in me. i said that i want to be someone who isn't afraid to stand up for herself. and that statement comes from me being angry at myself for not having spoken up when the bomb was dropped. i let him lead on the d-process. from deciding that we should d to selling the house to dividing the furniture. i'm not angry about the stuff but i'm disappointed in myself that i let myself be a doormat. i should have had a say in how things should go but i decided to let him lead on this. i didn't speak up because at the time, i still wanted my marriage and i was afraid that anything i said would have pushed him further away. i look back now and think .. i should have said something. sometimes i wonder what would have happened if i had fought him on those things. if i had kicked him out of the bedroom. if i fought the sale of the house .. i can't go back and change things. but i can't have this repeated the next time we meet.

i understand that this is a long process and it isn't over yet. i have not been served - although i'm still anticipating this. but there is still a lot of work left to be done.
i'm still working hard on me because i don't feel like i'm out of the fake it until you make it stage. i know i said in my earlier post that i think i'm doing better than he is. but i don't believe that at all. jim collins said that the minute you think you are great, you've lost it. and it's quite true. if i think i'm doing better than he is, it will be easy to slack off and get complacent. i don't want to be in that position. i have to be constantly moving forward - keep the momentum going. don't stop. don't look back. just keep moving forward. keep getting better and better. and i do think .. what if he really does look great? i can't look like the michelin tire man. i know .. this isn't a competition. but in a way, it is. i'm not ahead of him on the detachment curve yet. and that's why i still work on me.

i've seen a lot of people on the boards give up their fight. i completely understand why they would. it's not easy and very draining.
i just received the Last Lecture in the mail today. which reminds me .. what advice would randy pausch give me?

that this journey is full of brick walls. they are there to show me how badly i want this. how badly do i want this?
never give up. the best gold is at the bottom of barrels of crap. what would happen if i didn't give up? if i give up now, i'll never find out. will i?
luck is truly where preparation meets opportunity. hmm .. is this what forrest is preparing me for?

if i feel hopeless - what am i still doing here? why am i still posting?
because i don't know what happens post d. what kind of db work has to be done post d? what does mwd say about post d work? i could be jumping ahead of myself but i'm a planner. the goal is to be okay at the end of this. so what steps do we take to get there? i've GAL-ed. it works for me. i pre-occupy myself with personal development work. i have to keep this up otherwise, i'll fall back into that toilet bowl.

The idea behind the statement is to be clear on what you desire or want. It needs to be clear and not emotional. I don't know exactly where we will use it.. but you need to get the thoughts down and committed to memory. We call this preparing.

my mood has been all over the place these days - making it difficult to come up with a good, non-fingerpointing, non-emotional statement.

luck is where preparation meets opportunity. so let's take a first pass at a statement, shall we?

<statement>
it took one word "divorce" to make me take a good hard look in the mirror and understand the damage that i did to our marriage. i now realize that i was so focused on doing what *i* felt was right for us that i became a totally different person - not the person you fell in love with, not the person you married. i didn't like who i became as well. you were patient with me and i missed all the signs. i'm sorry for pushing you aside and neglecting your needs. i wish there was a way for me to make it right.
during our time apart, i have rediscovered the old me. the one who loves to work hard and play hard. life is fun again and i want to continue to live life to the fullest before the reaper comes for me. despite what happens between us, i am determined to find a way to be happy, and i would really love to be happy with you, but if i can't be happy with you, then i'll find a way to be happy without you.
</statement>

how's that for a statement, forrest? the part in bold summarizes how i feel.

As far as your self worth.. if something has worked in the past.. what do you do?

talk to my mom. watch the last lecture.
you really have no idea how big of an impact the last lecture had on me.
it truly kicked me in the butt to get up and walk. this sitch isn't the only thing in life. it's a part of my life but it isn't my entire life. so just because the marriage is over, it doesn't mean that my life is over. go find out what those other parts of my life are like.

When you look at the situation.. really most of the things are an outcome of the event he created. So.. how do you steer things? What happens if you play smart and appear "normal"?

instead of throwing a tantrum on this ship, i could get off the ship if i don't like the direction it's been steered in. and i could go in an entirely different direction that suits me.

if i have to stay with this ship, and i could steer it by being prepared and figure out where the icebergs are. this is what i've always done.

Read your who you want to be again. Why is a statement important?

i want to a person who isn't afraid to speak up. the statement is important because it says what my boundaries are. i have had problems setting boundaries in my marriage.

As per your mind reading statement.. most of the time the 2 parties involved in a stitch switch places.. or roles. They mimic what they dislike. He was the "weak" one and you were always tough. With that said.. have the tables turned?

am i becoming the WAS? i'm still tough. i guess i hate waiting around and doing nothing. that's why i keep focusing on me. i can't control the sitch. i can only control me. so what do i do? work on me.

We are done working on you... let's work on the stitch now.

can i work on myself in parallel? i don't want to drop any of my activities .. i'm keeping my changes.

but what does working on the sitch involve?

post-journal ...
my mom finally broke the news to my dad.
she told him that we have been physically separated for some time now.
she also told him that i chose not to move home at this point. it wasn't the right time to.
he didn't react negatively but i'm sure he will let me have it some other time.

i've started to ween myself off the intel because it was really messing me up emotionally and mentally.
checking on stuff made my heart pound a million beats per second and i hated that feeling.
i was torturing myself. i followed coach's advice to identify the source of this and stop it.
these were the snakes on my brain. it feels so much better to just let it be. like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
this is a huge step for me because as you know, i've harped on how infidelity was a dealbreaker for me. it still is. at this point, i can't let this ruin all of the work we've done.