Your H is burying his head in the sand. You have a right to be angry. Sure, yelling at him isn't the most productive, but I wish you wouldn't beat yourself up so much over it.
NOw why would you be responsible for his unhappiness? Did you verbally, physically or emotionally abuse him in some way?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Hmm, you apologized for your part of the marriage deterioration! He may be distressed, again, because he's seeing things clearly. Or, seeing the destruction that only HE has caused.
I didn't abuse him in the marriage..I think I just agree with some on these boards that we are sometimes responsible for our part in the marriage problems. I saw signs, and ignored them. Problems along the way that needed to be addressed, but I didn't face them head on. I put my head in the sand. Now, I am NO mind-reader either, and am only human, and WH was responsible for his part, including not putting his issues on the table. So I know I am not 100% responsible, far from it. I am now reading a book (The Truth About Cheating, by M. Gary Neuman) and he says most men stray because the OW makes them feel wanted, loved and appreciated. I failed in one way or another in these areas. After 15 years, resentments build up. My WH failed in them too, don't get me wrong.
And because of his family template, his different set of morals (lots of cheaters and divorces in his family and friend circle) walking out was kind of 'normalised' for him.
Walking away from his newborn was repeating what his own dad did.
Not believing in 'fixing' broken relationships is an idea he inherited from his mother, I think, who is a tragic and very unpractical/unpragmatic romantic (and disaster zone).
WH and I spoke briefly. I asked him why he cancelled today's visit and he said he was not coming to see me or bub before he leaves anymore as it is too painful. I had to cut conversation short after that 20sec exchange - I was filling up the car with petrol and the phone signal was interfering with the metre and the attendant was getting annoyed!
Sounds like the emotional toll of what he is doing is getting to him. Maybe that's what he needs to feel -- to realize what he is walking away from. Maybe it's a good sign.
Me: 36 H: 36 S9 (from my previous marriage) D2 Bomb-date: 4/7/10 10/10 Giving it six months to see what happens
he says most men stray because the OW makes them feel wanted, loved and appreciated. I failed in one way or another in these areas. After 15 years, resentments build up.
yes...I definitely relate. It is wrong for people to blame the WAS 100% (IMO).
Now, as for him not seeing the baby before he leaves. ??? I have no words. It won't be the last you have heard of him, though. Remember Allen's words about the man-child making his own journey. And let yourself feel the pain and be sad and grieve. I know you won't get stuck! I say grieve because no matter the future, your old marriage is over and the way you and your H related to each other in the past is long gone. If you R one day, it will have to be fresh, don't you think? Meaning that it is okay to permanently let go of the current H. It has taken me 15 months to do this* (and my relationship was way shorter than yours) so I am not trying to tell you that you should be able to just forget and forgive overnight. Just let yourself think, reflect, feel, and picture it happening so that it can.
Ok I really hope that came out the right way and it didn't make you upset. (((Piano)))
*well, I am still not 100% there yet, but a lot farther than I was
Last edited by newmama; 08/16/1002:57 AM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
So, plans have changed again. I texted WH and said if he wants to see his child alone before he goes, he can. That way we don't risk to fall into a painful situation. So he said he would love to see her alone Wednesday.
I think it is the right thing to do. It's another stab in the heart for me, though.
I know I should be handling this better, but I'm just not. I can't do it. It's too painful.
I know you all say that things will be easier when he's gone, but I see that as so final, so brutal, another 'death' which I don't want to relive. I've had too much. Just too much pain.
Sorry - I know I need to pick myself up off the floor, tell myself I CAN HANDLE IT, that I am better of without him. But I am so sad, I miss him so much, I hate the present reality and my life. "Home" for me was with him. I know it's sad and pathetic and not healthy, but it was fine until he left. Now I am exposed, alone. How did my best friend in the world do this to me???
