Transparency requires that she has no passwords on nanything and you are free to "have a look" at your request. If they are just friends, "have a look to confirm" Trust but verify. Your house; your rules. Your boundary.
Well, that's the thing. She is not denying still talking to him and our schedules are so screwey that I'd have to keep a log of when she was "in the house" and compare the times to any cell usage she let me see. Not sure I am organized enough for that! HA!
Originally Posted By: CD Bear
Simply awesome, my friend!! I find it ebbs and surges a little but considering I opnly confirmed the affair 5 weeks ago, I feel great. Go buy No More Mr Nice Guy and Hold onto Your N.U.T.'s. Very good books, IMO.
I just caught up on your sitch and you are doing GREAT! It's been about 11 weeks for me and I actaully now kind of see it as being in mourning. I mean I spent a few weeks in mourning over the death of my marriage and I believe I even went through the grieving process for the person my W used to be. I have now realized that (aunless/until she changes, the woman I loved is dead and I have to carry on. Now, when I see her, it is more like the "wayward female cousin feeling" like Sandi2 (I think) told me about a few pages ago.
Originally Posted By: CD Bear
Stick to your personal values on this. You value your kids first; if this requires some uncomfortableness to house you W, so be it. Priorities. You could consider changing the custody. "Until you find your own quarters, I will keep the kids her" Just a thought if she doesn't abide by the boundary.
Yeah, like Puppy keeps saying, you have to do these things for yourself. I know that if she moves back in, it'll be a bit uncomfortable for all of us, but we ALL do things we don't want to occasionally (or we wouldn't be here! HA!) Actually, the kids stay with me exclusivly. D18 has spent 1 night over at the other house and said she's not going back. S13 said he's not staying anywhere besides here with me. But, as I said, I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror and years down the road, be able to stand the scrutiny of the kids about how I handled all of this and I WILL stay strong and keep my morals/values intact.
Originally Posted By: CD Bear
Great response to the "telling you how you feel". As far as the "being cold", I can't recall all the details of your sitch so could you refresh me on that? Did you pursue her feelings on this issue any further? e.g. "In what way did you feel I was cold?"
PS If you were cold, she wouldn't be in your house......
She made me realize that rather than just not tell her about the impending job changes, financial crisies that I got in the habbit of not talking/interacting with her much at all the past couple of years out of habbit. (Yes, I own up to that). I know now that trying to keep things from your SO, even to prevent worry/hurt/etc, is wrong. You are supposed to share the burdens in life with your partner. On the other hand, I couldn't talk to her about it because when I tried to occasionally early on, she would just shut down and start crying or yelling. So I found it easier to shut down emotionally on that aspect and it bled over into our other interactions.
Last edited by navajo; 08/15/1004:35 AM.
Me-44 W-41 M-20yrs S13 D18 ILYBINILWY-June 2010 (On our Anniversary)
Geez. I could have wrote those answers for you. they are exact matches for my sitch.
Unreal.
Based on your answers, I guess we're in the same spots so, logically, you must also be GREAT!
Yeah, as i said in one of my original posts, I guess there really IS nothing new under the sun! It is scarey how similar people's sitch's are! I want a copy of the script they use! I mean, do they just use mail order? HA!
Hang in there and we'll both get through this! As I keep telling my kids and friends, "It's going to hurt, but my kids and I will come out the other side a bit scratched up and bruised, but stronger and closer than ever."
Take care and drop by from time to time.
BTW, I was going to PM you the story, but your PM is turned off. No biggie.
Me-44 W-41 M-20yrs S13 D18 ILYBINILWY-June 2010 (On our Anniversary)
W asked me the other day if she could move in this Monday (tomorrow) and I said whatever. So she has been coming over after she gets off and cleaning a spot in the basement, bought sheets and pillows for the futon, bought a rolling closet, etc.
Yesterday as I was leaving to go get my D18 from work, she asked if she can put her computer back in the living room and move the kids' back to the dining room. I told her I would think about it and let her know and left.
Well, last night she emailed to ask what I had decided.
I told her that the desk was hers (the kids and I bought it for Mother's Day a while back) so I would move the desk to the basement and she could put her computer there. Well, she emailed me back and said that would NOT work and that this is still her house too and she wants it in the living room.
Now a bit of back story (yes, I will be as brutally honest with you all here as I can). When she asked to move into the basement to live, I chuckled and said that no one can live in our basement since there is no bathroom or kitchen. She was adamant that she was going to LIVE there even though I was just trying to get her to admit that she would be “staying” there and also using the rest of the house as needed. Now, it is as if she has decided to insert herself back into the family whether we want it or not.
Both kids have told me they don’t want her to move back but understand. They have both also said that they do NOT want her to have her computer back in the living room and set her “command post” back up here. Now, before I get attacked, I did NOT lead them into this conversation and only brought it up since their computer in now in the living room where I can keep an eye on them easier.
So, I stopped emailing her last night about it since it was just going to turn into a fight and am now torn between just moving the desk to the basement today since it is 3 to one in favor or moving the kids computer and disabling the network connection there so her computer doesn’t work.
I swear! With everything else going on in our lives right now, fighting over this is just so asinine it’s not even funny! WTH is she thinking? That she is going to come back and act like nothing happened?
Me-44 W-41 M-20yrs S13 D18 ILYBINILWY-June 2010 (On our Anniversary)
My memeory is Swiss Cheese so forgive me if these questions are remedial or mt recal of your sitch is wrong.
She moved OUT willingly and now wants to come back. Have you asked her WHY she is asking to come back? What are her intentions? Cheap rent? Or work on the M? What do YOU want? If ahe's trying to cut costs and continue to live like she's single, you have to stop this, don't you think?
Your kids don't even want her back in the house? Ask them why other than the "command post"?
Is the OM gone? Is there a transparency plan? Has she sent a "no contact" letter?
Originally Posted By: Navajo
it is as if she has decided to insert herself back into the family whether we want it or not.
You have to confront her on this. Is she actually saying and acting like she is "part of the family"?
Sorry,Nav if I'm off base but this sounds all wrong dude.
Not even so much "spineless" as just an incredible lack of foresight and planning, Nav. People on here PRAY for the day when their wayward spouses want to move back in, and you've been at this, HOW long now? And you were prepared with NOTHING on how to respond to her when she asked?
Good lord, at least a "I'm not sure how I feel about that right now -- I'll have to get back to you," and then come post on here and ask for advice???
I'm speechless. Good luck enforcing ANY sort of boundaries now -- you let the camel back into the tent, with no rules or boundaries in place.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails, on 7/10/2010
Quote:
She came over that evening and thanked me for the flowers and said she doesn’t know if she wants to come back and doesn’t know when she will be able to give me an answer. I don’t know if she has stopped the EA . . .
Nav,
Unless you failed to update us, THAT is where your wife left it with you regarding your affair. Made absolutely NO COMMITMENT to your marriage, or to end the affair. And you respond with, this time . . .
Talking, laughing and touching.
You're just not getting it. Until your wife agrees to end her infidelity, you need to pull AWAY from her, and lay out your personal boundaries. She's CAKE-EATING, big-time, and you are enabling her.
OK, I'm not sure if you didn't see the original start to this a few pages ago, but I DID set boundaries and she reluctantly agreed but admitted that she isn't going to stop contact with the OM. Thus the "You can live in the basement only until you can find somewhere else to go or you agree on working on our M and cutting him out".
But she apparently interpreted that to mean she was moving back in and hanging out upstairs with me and the kids every night.
I KNOW I shouldn't have agreed to let her come back at all unless she was ready to work on us, but she honestly doesn't have anywhere else to go since her friend was tired of her freeloading and I still stand by my belief that she should be part of her children's lives.
She just came by for the latest go around. I'll post the confrontation in the next entry.
I know pup, I slipped up big time and am now stuck in a bad sitch.
2x4 away!
Me-44 W-41 M-20yrs S13 D18 ILYBINILWY-June 2010 (On our Anniversary)
