No need to thank us, honey, that's why we are all here.
You seem to keep beating yourself up for feeling sad about all this. Stop that.
What has happened is a life altering, punch in the heart and stomach thing that you didnt see coming. Your world has been turned upside down and inside out. If you didnt feel sad, I'd be worried about you.
Having said that, I just want you to try to get to where u need to be as soon as you can because I dont want you to hurt. It took me months and months to finally get it and I dont want that for you.
I always say that I wish I could magically get everyone past this part. But you have to go through all of it to get to peace.
Just so you know, my h told me the other day, three years post bomb, that he is still not happy. He could have fooled me. He seems real happy. My point being, it doesnt help or serve you to try to figure out what he is feeling or thinking because it is probably not what you think.
So, you went to the car and had a good cry. Now that's done for today, right?
I promise you it will get better, easier. It will. And in the beginning, it's necessary to try and fill up your days and nights. Just keep busy, read (not self help or MLC books all the time) or do whatever it takes to get your mind off of this.
IB, you can do this. I know it seems impossible right now to think you will ever be ok, but, you will be.
And for the record, I still get sad sometimes. I let it wash over me and then continue moving forward because I have no other choice.
This is an extraordinary journey if you take it. I mean, really take it.
Ask yourself, what purpose does it serve to allow what h is doing to control my feelings? What purpose does it serve to allow it to ruin my day? It's not going to change what is. It's not going to hurry it along. It's just going to ruin your day.
So, my friend, just for today, even just for an hour, do something just for you. Just for you. Put everything out of your mind and just embrace it.
Hey punkin, no legal separation in my state. Wish there was. In my state, they hurry the divorce along.
After three long years and financial ruin, I had no choice but to file in April as h amassed over $60,000 in debt that I am now responsible for half of. I did it with a heavy heart, but I had to try to stop any more bleeding. I will probably never recover financially from everything he has done.
Why didnt he file after all this time? I have no idea.
Why didnt he file after all this time? I have no idea.
Brooklyn, if I had to guess -- even though we all know better than to guess about MLCers! -- it would be that he didn't file precisely BECAUSE it kept you responsible for half of his financial irreponsibility. Something we all need to watch out for, for sure.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
I am thankful that we have LS in California...my H amassed over $200,000.00 in debt! Let's see it started with a sporty lil' BMW!...then all new clothes, new guitar, new video game set up, new furniture, had to have a KING size bed even though we had shared a queen sized quite comfortably for years, had to have his own business, had to have cash advances because business was not making money...and more and more...2 car repo's and I don't even know how many court judgements against him... While we are back together I maintain the LS because without it they could start coming after me again...not to mention I have a child support judgement in place that allows me to collect child support directly from his checks...this prevents creditors from taking any money...at some point he will file bankruptcy but until he does I am protecting everything I have and my future! I think if I lived in a state that didn't allow a LS I would move to the nearest one, establish residency and file for a LS...if you can do that legally
This is all making me think hard about whether or not an LS is something I should be seeking. But I still have that whole Armed Forces Spousal Protection Act thing to contend with. It's like a legal seperation in that it prevents him from just dumping his obligations and flying off into the wind. Sometimes, the civilian thing interferes with the Army thing.
Checked my credit score yesterday. He has not run up the 2 or 3 joint accounts we have, but appears to be making 'minimum payments' on them. Just like him. That's why I always paid the bills.
Scheduled an appointment with the MC today - just for me. I am struggling as of late and I'm trying to get through this. I need help processing:
Should I have seen this coming? Is it addiction or not? No contact vs. contact? Compassionate detachment - what does it really look like? Forgiving myelf - did I deserve this? What role did I play in this? How much movement forward should I be making?
I feel as though I need to hear from someone who knows both of us and has seen from all sides the collapse of this.
Basically - I am stuck. I was moving forward and doing better but I feel like I am at a point where maybe I'm afraid of "letting go and letting God" - you know? It's completely giving it all over and just living my life w/o any part of H. I think I have this fear and profound sense of loss that's weighing heavily on my heart that is also preventing me from really letting go.
Thanks for letting me share.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Irish, I just want to say that it's normal to get stuck at times, so don't beat yourself up over it. We move forward in fits and starts, stopping along the way to process what we've learned and felt and make it our own. This assimilation is an integral part of the process, and it just takes time. Don't measure your progress against yesterday, or even last week. Measure it against last month, or even two or three months back if you have to. As long as you don't get stuck for long, you're doing fine.
That said, your next step -- truly letting go -- is a big one, and if you feel you need some help with it, you should definitely try to get it. You have a great list of questions to consider with your C, and I hope you'll share what you learn here.
You're doing great!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
IB Good advice from Twink. It is sooo true. You will feel like you are making progress one day...and then feel like you are back to square 1 the next.
Tomorrow is a new day. Feelings change rapidly. All of us know that sadness that you feel. That sense of loss. It is truly gut wrenching at times. But it passes...it gets easier...and then harder...and then easier...and then less hard.
I just try to remind myself of how much I have grown the past couple of months. I still relapse quite often...but the general trend is improving. Don't be too hard on yourself...as difficult as it is. This is one of the toughest things you will go through. There isn't an easy way around it. But it does get better.
OK, so I had appointment. It was actually fairly interesting because it was the first time that I wasn't really "in crisis" when seeing him.
So - he indicated that it's not so much that he didn't expect us to move towards divorce given everything that H has done - but he also said he always thought of us as the couple who might divorce but never really separate. Everything that H is doing is catching him off guard also. I broke down at the end of the session explaining that I felt stuck and that the grief of feeling so disposable and so un-valuable to H was overwhelming me. He was silent for a long time and I said "what?" and he said - I have been sitting here trying to find words of comfort and I can't find them.
So where am I now? Needing to let go - completely let go. Counselor agreed that H has focused all blame on me.
I am stuck in denial and sorrow. I need to move on through the process.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
