There is no need to talk to Gabe, texting and email work fine. Simply advise him that he has violated your boundary by initiating contact with OW. Time for him to move out or take real action:
-- No contact call or letter -- Plan to get help -- Show you he wants to be with you, you won't be second, and you won't be first if there is a second or potential seconds in the wings.
Stop avoiding, stand up for yourself. You NEED to treat yourself with decency and respect.
P.S. this latest (anticipated) contact with OW is what probably sent him over the deep end. He felt like crap, couldn't face you, so decided to run away.
Enough. He needs to come clean. So, to the above requirements, add...
-- honesty and openness about the past, present, future.
There is no need to talk to Gabe, texting and email work fine. Simply advise him that he has violated your boundary by initiating contact with OW. Time for him to move out or take real action:
-- No contact call or letter -- Plan to get help -- Show you he wants to be with you, you won't be second, and you won't be first if there is a second or potential seconds in the wings.
Stop avoiding, stand up for yourself. You NEED to treat yourself with decency and respect.
Agreed, time to lay down the lzw mish. How long do you want this to eat away at you?
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I confronted him on it Saturday evening. I'll tell you, it wasn't pretty.
He was stunned. He even showed me the texts. She had contacted him first. He replied. She made an off-hand comment about his love life and he replied with what you saw. Yes, it was too 'familiar', but it wasn't stalkerish. He was so angry at her. It developed into me tell him that I was under the impression that we were attempting to rebuild a R between us but I'm not so sure that is a good thing for me anymore. He cried a lot, repeated all the SOS about being a bad guy, not contributing, etc. etc. I just let him say it, didn't try to dispute it except in the few instances that he went on a tangent. He kept saying that if it weren't for Marc, he wouldn't be here anymore. He would have already found a way back to California.
That definitely put me in my place. He is not staying here for me in any way, shape or form. Only Marc. I told him that it was wonderful that he wants to be here for Marc, but if he is that unhappy with his situation and doesn't feel he can change it here then he needs to go the CA and see if he can rebuild there. I am done being a fool.
He was completely taken aback by that. He couldn't understand why I would want him to leave. Ummmm....hello!!! What have you been saying? You want to be here for Marc, but you say nothing about wanting to be with me. Fine. Get another place or go back to CA, I'm done playing the fool.
He spent most of the day yesterday laying in Marc's bed crying. I went about my business, didn't address him, just left him to wallow in his own misery. This girl is done being Ms. Fix-it!! He finally got up in the afternoon and came into the kitchen and asked me if I could forgive him for his stupidity and ruining all of our lives. I already forgave him (well, as much as I think I'm going to ever be able to) and I didn't feel it was necessary to tell him that. I just kept doing what I needed to do and that was that.
Today I went home for lunch and had walked into my bathroom to brush my hair and when I came out he was waiting in the bedroom and grabbed me and hugged me. I see the pain in his eyes, the need to be understood and loved, but I need that too and I'm not getting it....won't ever get that from him. He doesn't know how. He is seriously broken and I don't think any amount of glue would put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
FYI - The broom has removed all of her comments about him being a stalker from her page. Of course, the damage was already done so it doesn't really matter.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
NONE of this is unexpected, remember? He hasn't been in a committed monogomous honest R in a long time, it takes time and hard work to get back to one.
What did you say to him when he asked if you could forgive him? Do you understand why he asked?
Now, why is it OK for you to go on and on about why you have to keep trying for Marc's sake, but it isn't OK for him to momentarily have the same feeling?????
He obviously cares for you. He wants to know if a good R with you is even possible?
"Yes, I believe I can fully forgive you. And, I believe you can fully forgive yourself if you get help. We BOTH need to treat OURSELVES and EACH OTHER with respect, love, and compassion. I believe we can start with a clean slate. But this is the deal. It requires complete honesty and openness, past, present, and future. Get all the skeletons out of our closets and put them on the table. It means an end to avoidance. Your continued contact with OW is what has started this latest mess. Rather than tell me what happened, you avoided the problem, hid your behavior and lashed out. Look where we are now. All contact must stop once and for all, officially. You must call her now on speakerphone and tell her that while I listen. It must be what YOU want. Moreover, there must be full transparency as we build trust. If you are hiding anything, any email address, and phone calls, any text messages, any visits from anyone from me, then that is a violation of full transparency. If we aren't in this R together to try to build it into a strong, passionate, trusting, fun, exciting, stable partnership, I'm not staying in it alone. I will never be more into an R than the other person again. Like you, I also need compassion, caring, understanding and forgiveness. I will no longer be in an R with someone who is emotionally unavailable to me. You need to do something to help yourself, you need to be a man who you like and respect, or you will never feel good. So, are you in this R with me to try to build something great or out?"
Good for you! He didn't rescue or fix. Stated the violation of boundaries and stood up for you. I do recall before that he has said that he has feelings for you, I believe he is an emotional mess at the moment so he didn't bring that up. He has to hit rock bottom before he can come back up. I hope he is on his way to seeing that he has some major work to do.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Forewarning.......If you go see Eat, Pray, Love take a few hankies!
I read the book 3 times and loved every minute of it. I remember tearing up a couple of times reading it, but for the most part it was inspiring. The movie really got to me. I think just having a visual of the deep emotions that were in the book affected me more than I thought it would.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I do recall before that he has said that he has feelings for you, I believe he is an emotional mess at the moment so he didn't bring that up. He has to hit rock bottom before he can come back up. I hope he is on his way to seeing that he has some major work to do.