I have made a mistake but still don't fully understand what's going on.
We had a wonderful Saturday, had a dinner with her uncle and his wife. First time I felt that I was being invited back into her inner family circle. I understood that I just penetrated the utmost outer ring.
Sunday we went shopping for her upcoming vacation alone with 2 of the dogs and got some stakes and cables for her to use at her lake house to keep them at bay.
Went to early dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. After 3 glasses of wine she suddenly became viral. It started the same "I don't love you and I haven't loved you for last 10 years". This time I tried the answer of "I am so sorry you feel that way right now."
She proceeded to explain how long she had been waiting for me to turn "around" and understanding her. That last time she gave me another chance was with full of expectations which I failed to fulfill.
I have been thinking about this possible answer for a long time but I don't know what she ever meant especially when in that state.
I was completely at a loss. I told her that I've been seen a therapist and learning about us, our past but most importantly about myself.
She said that all I've done is too late and that if I had it done years ago there have would have been something to save today. I said that "I am sorry it did not happen then, but for a past 2 months I have been working on all of what you see wrong in our R."
She said that she did not believe me. I told her that I've spent a lot of money on a wonderful and wise IC who has opened my eyes on everything.
We left and came home. She was happy and content for about an hour. We played with our dogs and she kept putting them on my lap one after another. I always took that as a sign of "I'm sorry."
Yet, minutes later she started again about the need of separation. I told her that my official answer about the logistics is not due until she comes back from her vacation, which is 3 weeks away and that she should enjoy her vacation as much as possible.
At this point she started to scare me a bit - 3 glasses of wine for a person who has become a fully fledged alcoholic in a last 4 months, she looked wasted and wanted to go to bed at 5pm.
When she was leaving the room, she was blaming me for ALL of her health issues.
She may have MS and we don't know until her MRI is scheduled in a few weeks. I know that even after that it may not be conclusive.
I am totally at a loss right now. Her mental state is not at all rational or normal any more.
