New Game- Exposed

[CD Bear]

Hi, TG!

Lance's post this morning helped me find ONE answer while I answered him.

"I will not live in an open marriage. Until the A is over, I will proceed with divorce".

So, on to your post.

It is time to detach from her and ALL her actions, convo's, texts, emails, letter's and carrier pigeon messages until you can do it without anger.

Three issues here.
1) detaching from her 'meesages'
-Do I text her something next time I get a non-D or non-Separation msg? Or simply not respond to what I'll call "personal" communication? NOT responding seems rude and 'cold' which is more of the same from the M
2)detach from her actions
-though I don't have to see what she is doing, my mind is using presumptions and filling in the picture for me. Not sure how to stop this (I am 'seeing' things going OK for her; she is happy/content/non-caring about what she is doing)
3) ..without anger
-detaching would lessen the anger. The anger comes from the initial betrayal; my self-loathing about my 50% that could have prevented this; the continuation of the A which is continued disrespect; my perception she doesn't care about disrespecting; the fact my D is exposed to W and OM and 'enablers'; and assorted other little things that cross my mind from time to time.

I need to re-read the detaching pdf and get my mind back in the game, I guess. I need the right perspective on this to keep me "detached".
e.g perspective on what and why I amd doing things
and, probably more importantly, how to frame or self-correct my views when I do think about her.

Regarding your questions....

Why did you do this? More importantly WHAT in YOU caused this to occur?

Pretty easy, I think.
-Fear of conflict
-Approval of/validation by women (esp wife)
-Her happiness tied to my happiness
All the answers are in NMMNG.

...your age difference really stung didn't it?

Why? What were you seeking from your W? What part of you needed that validation and..still needs it?

The age question stung for two reasons. I had questioned myself on this prior to marriage and was quite satisfied that I wasn't marrying her for the "wrong reasons". I didn't see myself as a 43 year old so what did her age have to do with it?(she didn't act as immature as any 25 YO I knew)
Though there was certainly something ego-enhancing to the age difference, that was not why I was marrying her.
The other sting was the inherent accusation that I was that shallow; that she was immature and I was blind to it; and that even if she did come back she would most likely leave me again.

To answer your questions, I was seeking a more youthful existence. Her age mirrored where I saw myself despite what my birth certificate said. I was in that point in my life. I was getting what I didn't get during my 30's. And doing what I wasn't doing. Being with her reminded me of how I felt with my last long term, happy when I was late 20's. (BTW, THAT turned out a lot like this one, too. Blindsided) Did I see this as a do-over or the opportunity to prove the last one wasn't my fault? Was I with W as a "surrogate"? Honestly, no. I truly loved and appreciated her. I was quite content with my life prior to meeting her and she just enhanced or topped up the low spots- added the youthful, fun, adventurous, 'sharing a life' feeling that was missing. And I believed that she truly appreciated me in her life. We were inseparable and really enjoyed doing things together.
As time went on, and it got serious, I didn't want to lose this part of my life so I adjusted as required. You can't behave completely 'single' when you are not, right? I just didn't know when to stop. I didn't see how much some of the "concessions" would cost me personally.
So I don't believe I "sold my soul" because she was 25. I did it because I liked what she brought to my life and how I felt about her and when I was with her. I liked how I felt motivated; proud; and confident either from my happiness or from her encouragement and pride in me.

If you want to dig further here, I'm all ears. We could work it out on the alt and post the conclusions here? Mind you, might be cathartice to me and helpful to others to do it "in public".

How can I LEAD the Sep agreement process and still want her back?

May I suggest this is boundary to protect you. Financially and if you really need it... emotionally

I came to this exact conclusion with Lance this morning. Thanks for confirming this perspective. It 'should' also assist with the detachment/letting go.

How do I lead Separation without it coming off as an "affair busting and/or get her back" ploy?

Is it this?

Well, ultimately, since I am on this site, my optimum end-game would be to not have to divorce and keep my family intact. So, yes, I would have to say that this is "the point"

However, I do also now see that I am missing the "CD issue" that it is first and foremost a "BOUNDARY" that goes to my core. I can see that I didn't set them at all in the M and regardless of the "end game", I need to re-commit to setting them for both:
-Respect from W
-Self-respect
-protect my D
-establish the starting point/conditions for my "future"-whatever that becomes.

Finally, the answers.... (I rearranged the sequence and numbered the contents of your initial post)

1-Your actions(and inaction) speak the loudest.

2-Be clear of what your are doing (sep agreement) and why.

3-Will it make you feel better if you initiate the sep or divorce?
Why?

4-Go to the mirror and point straight into it...that
is the direction you need to go.

5-If you are not sure.
Don't act.

Answers I needed.
1-Absolutely. Inconguency and lack of CONVICTION/CONFIDENCE behind actions is obvious to anyone looking. Both reek of weakness and lack of self-respect and character.

2-Why? Because it enforces my personal boundary; protects me from her actions regarding finances/property; establishes a line that MUST be respected and indicates that there WILL be additional boundaries in the future; gives me a concrete "starting point" for my future so I can begin to plan and implement it.

3-Though I would have initially thought "no, it won't" because of the wrong perspective, the answer is now "yes, it will" due to my answers to #1 and #2.

4-And the answer to #1-3 is the confirmtion that this is exactly where I am going and most importantly, WHY!! For my self-respect; my D; my future; my first N.U.T.!

5-I am sure now. So now I can. And for the right reasons and with 100% confidence and congruency.

Thanks, Gritter.
My weekend is going much better now.

Incidentally, I noticed W had NOT changed her banking arrangement and her cheque went into joint. So she is not "up to speed" on her personal tasks regarding the 'pursuing the D'. Futhermore, though she did withdraw the correct amount from the joint for her 'personal account', she paid a personal CC payment from the joint. Texted her that she must correct this immediately. Personal debts are NOT from JOINT acct. That'll leave her with 100 per week for the next two. Little reality check.