Another sad story

[Susan1Survivor]

It means no matter what YOU do, WAS is DONE.Mentally out means the WAS has already moved on emotionally. The WAS is over the pain of a break up.We are the ones clinging to hope that isn't there. Sorry to be so blunt, but it is the truth. The realization is brutal, painful and horrible. But it's the truth. And at some point the LBS's need to accept it and move on.

If the WAS wishes to return to M, and make a new M, it can happen. But I don't believe most do.Once "rid" of the "problem", which is US, they move on to whatever it is they think will make them happy.
In my H's case, he thinks finding a new woman to meet his sx needs ( I didn't, but he didn't meet mine either!) and all his other needs, will be the end all, do all. Being left behind makes me feel like trash to be discarded. So better for me to say to WAS, if you want out, okay, I agree, let's DO IT!!!

We can DB our butts off, but it has to be for US. In my sitch, my H is an engineer, very logical. Nothing I did convinced him to stay in M and try to make a new one.H didn't believe making a NEW M would work. H said we'd have already 'fixed" the problems before, that after all we had 14 years to fix the issues!!!
My H has it in his head that while I am "sincere" in my changes ( he noticed), and future changes, he doesn't believe the changes would last.My
H is emotionally closed.We cannot twist ourselves into a pretzel hoping the WAS finds some redeeming quality about us and will come back to the M.

It takes every ounce of courage we have to let go. But we really have no choice but to do that, my friend.

Sad, and painful like nothing else I have experienced. I feel like a knife is in my heart and maybe I always will..

Your W sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. Make it about what YOU want. Set some boundaries!!!

[Susan1Survivor]

It is all overwhelming..Sorry pinhead.

You have done all you can.YOU have nothing to be guilty or ashamed about. The WAS 's just don't see or care about the train wrecks they leave behind.It seems to be all about THEIR pain. I understand their need to be happy.I'd like that too- just I am different in that I wanted to try to be happy with H, not dump 14 years of M.

I am working on getting a good head of anger built up again. I think it's a good thing actually.Controlled anger.Anger in my head, not my actions. Being cold, calm, unemotional like my H.But raging anger inside!! lol

Anger was always my problem in my M..I was angry over lack of validation and respect.
Since I started DB ing, I really changed the anger part. But now I want it back. Anger will help me cope unemotionally with all the details of the end of M. All the crappy details I need to take care of- moving out, splitting assets, who gets the red plate or blue plate. Boils down to 14 years of stuff/things , most I will have to leave behind.THIS makes me see red-14 years making a home and now some other woman will get to enjoy it!!

It's all so f----d up.

Letting go is healthy for US. We need to do that when the writing is on the wall that the M is truly over. Deep down we know when it is, it's just denial that prevents us from accepting it.

Hang in there buddy

[john28]

Let us know if the couch move was successful tonight or if she crawled into bed with you.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Pin,

I have been where you are. I focused on W actions and how my life was being transformed. eg. I had a plan to pay my mortgage of witnin 12 years, I was saving for my childerens education and investing money for their future. I was very good at that part of the situation but it took time away from being a good husband.

I thought about this whole situation will hurt my kids future.

Once I stopped thinking about saving my M and started to really DB with the 180s and GAL my whole attitude changed.

Start focusing on the positives in your life. YOu will be a great dad, you will be a man of good character, you will survive this no matter the outcome.

gucci and others are so right when they say that the sooner you get to the point where you can detach the better the chance you have to reconcile.

It me too long to get to that point and now as you can see in my sitch, I probably wouldn't take back my W if she ask to work on M.

Don't let that happen to you.

You say the right things in yor posts but don't follow through.
Word mean nothing w/o actions to support them.

gr8

[pinhead]

She came back home as upset as I've ever seen her. She asked "Was everything you said about loving me last night a lie?" And she broke down telling me that she wanted to go to a counselor, but she couldn't promise the outcome that I wanted. We hugged and held each other, I apologized for my actions in the past, and for the first time, I saw it in her eyes that she accepted it. We watched part of a movie together, then went to sleep. She held my hand throughout the night.

[Chuck66]

You need consistency in your actions.

[dsh4320]

Pin, I can relate, when I put my foot down, the W throws it back on me, I hate to say this but i feel we are both being manipulated by the W's. Dont back peddle, I have been a bit, and I need. we need to stay focused you and I are about at the same time in this, and similar W's I think. We should learn a lot from each other.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

And she broke down telling me that she wanted to go to a counselor, but she couldn't promise the outcome that I wanted.

you need to make her feel that you don't know what you want.

Right now you tell her you will always be there for her and she knows that. She is control, not you.

Once you make her feel she's losing you things will change.
Not until though.

[john28]

Now, that's forward progress PH. She came to you and said she wants to work on this, but can't promise anything. That's good.

Now, you need to remain "as if" you don't know what you want. If she sees you pounce on this opportunity to work on things, you're again just pursuing and needy.

And you need to find a PRO MARRIAGE counselor. I know you had a church person or something, but you need to research this. I would suggest http://www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com/ call and interview them. Ask them if they are solution based. Stuff that MWD recommends.

[Espr444]

Hey pinhead,
Hang in their; but becareful as my W went back and forth for a while. Their have been many mixed emotions during this whole process even as we were going to MC togeather. Be strong & enjoy the time you have with your D's.
Later Hope