My New LBS Reality

[dl443322]

Sweetie, try not to dwell on what you think might have bothered h in the marriage.

Change the things about you that you want to. Leave him to figure out his own stuff.

You really have no idea how he is feeling, nor should you put your energy there.

His journey, his time.

You, on the other hand, can control your life.

So, what are you going to do for you?

[irishblessings]

You are right Brooklyn. For me - well I am spending a lot of time with kids. S and I are doing a lot together. I have been NC with H. It has definitely helped me. We have some activities planned over the next month or so - that helps.

I understand about what you are saying - but I am struggling with trying to "own" up to my contribution to the demise of the marriage. I guess I have been struggling because when I busted H 3 years ago - that's when I had to admit to my part of the problems. What do I do now that I have been working on these changes? He still threw me away.

Just wondering

[dl443322]

He didnt throw you away. Please dont say that. He doesnt have the power to do that.

Listen, the last time this happened, he was in the beginning of all this. The reason it "didnt work" was because his journey was stopped. He needs to walk through this now. He knows there's something wrong. And he is blaming the person closest to him.

Look, you need to change the things about you that you didnt like for YOU. Not for him. Not for the marriage. For you. Because if you do them for any other reason, he will see through it and you will not benefit.

And I know you love to be with your children. But, you also need to do some things just for you. Something new, different, something with other adults.

Dont get stuck trying to think of every possible thing that he might not have liked in the marriage.

Become the best IB you can be.

[LanceSijan]

IB

What Brooklyn is saying is true. It is also HARD!
It is difficult to look in the mirror and see what it is that
YOU need to work on.
Sometimes when you look in the mirror,
YOU don't see anything to work on.
That doesn't mean that there is nothing to do.
It means you need to keep looking.

Maybe the mirror doesn't tell you that you
are overweight or need a haircut.
It may be something deeper.
A fear of abandonment.
A fixer.
An enabler.
Something that doesn't show up by just looking at your physical reflection.
It is the hardest part of the LBS journey.

The good part of it is that you have all the TIME,
that you need.
So take your time and start your search.
You too have a long journey.
This is a lifetime trip.
You make it by yourself.
The idea is not to get to your destination.
It is to see the scenery along the way.
Look out the window.
Tell us what you see.

You can do this.

[irishblessings]

Thanks Lance and Brooklyn -
I get a little low sometimes / especially on the weekends.

I picked up a book yesterday and it was actually about reconciliation. But that's not the reason I picked it up. The bulk of the book is about finding out who you are and gaining your emotional equilibrium back. I thought this might be a good place to start since I am struggling with this issue of "who am I" and "what do I want".

As much as I try to deny it - I am still very raw. And I continually try to interpret his behavior and make it rational - I honestly think I do this because in some sick way I still respect him too much or have more respect for the man I knew than the man he is today. That may sound crazy - but it is probably more me holding on to a thread of the rope instead of dropping it completely.

So...I've got work to do!

[Truegritter]

or have more respect for the man I knew than the man he is today. That may sound crazy - but it is probably more me holding on to a thread of the rope instead of dropping it completely.

Your hope has to be anchored somewhere.

Know this:

The best thing you can do for your M is to work on YOU.

The best thing you can do for H is get out of his way so he can walk this journey alone.

Which I believe you are doing a very good job.

Brook and Lance are right you have time. It just got left on your doorstep in a beautifully wrapped package.

Open it. It is a gift for you. An empty box.

Now

Write down things you will do with your time and put them in the box.

Get me?

Things for you.

[irishblessings]

I know you are right. I have to do this and I have to learn ways to get through these moments of intense pain. I know that I have gotten better at it - but it is painfully slow.
Thanks you all for being there! I am forever grateful!

I did inquire about a DivorceCare group at a local church - includes segments on separation and reconciliation. Hoping to do some outreach so that I don't burn out my friends and family.

Got work to do today - get myself ready to face the week.

[dl443322]

Good for you for reaching out.

You are still early into this. What you are feeling is very normal. Dont be too hard on yourself. You are going to have ups and downs, good days and bad, sadness and happiness.

Here's the thing. You are still trying to get into his head. You are wasting way too much time and headspace on him. Don't.

You cant figure him out nor should you. There is no rationalizing his behavior because it isnt rational. He is in crisis. He is lost. But only he can find his way out of it.

Let him.

Remember, you did the best you could during the marriage with the tools you had at the time. If you knew better, you would have done better. Hindsight is 20/20. Forgive yourself.

Now, you can either get mired in the shoulda,coulda, woulda mindset or you can use it to propel you forward.

First you need to figure out the things about you that need changing. Then get to gettin' on those.

Then you need to figure out the kind of person you aspire to be and how you can become that person.

As for the other stuff, try different things out. Join a club, go for a walk, go to an exercise class, or whatever might seem a bit interesting to you.

Pray, if you are so inclined.

But get to meet IB. Find something just for you that might bring you some peace, some happiness.

Get out of his way.

Find yours.

[punkin]

Brooklyn,

That's amazingly inspirational! Applies to most everyone here, certainly me. I still try to figure out his thinking, and I don't even think he knows why he does what he does. The more I try to go dark, the harder he tries to communicate on some subject or other, blocking my efforts to completely detach.

IB, Brooklyn is right, listen to her. They can only hurt us when we allow them to.

[irishblessings]

I know that everything being said here is true. I am flailing through a lot of this ~ the cashier at the grocery store today says "where's H - you all always shop together" - just smiled and said "he's working" Then get in the car and cry.

Today his silence is bothering me - I'm just putting that out there. Brooklyn you are correct - I have been trying to get in his head too much. Speculating about what he's doing or thinking. I know I have to stop that or find some strategies to help me redirect away from those thoughts.

Thanks to all for your patience.