A man in full

[CD Bear]

Hey, TG. I saw this earlier and it went "in one and out the other"

Earlier, I wrote a meandering post and I've been really confused today. So I poked around and came across this post AGAIN.

I read it again.
Then read it again; slowly and out loud.

I think my answers may be HERE.

We suffer because our spouse is doing something to us. Or doing something other than we want them to do.
We have pain and we suffer and we continue this only if we stay. So why be a martyr?
Why not just leave and then we will be a martyr no longer. But the pain remains. We walk away with all those arrows sticking out of us.
But we are no longer a martyr right? Why would we want to be with someone who does not want to be with us?

This addresses the pain I feel when I think of the A my W is in. This also addresses the occasional feeling I get regarding me LEADING the Divorce. If she is going to continue the A; continue the disrespect; and cake-eat, I'm outta here!

HOWEVER>>>>

What now? We still hurt. We still have questions. We have to find some other person to validate that we are lovable. That we have self respect. So we move on to the next person to trade our love for validation and self respect.....our vows really don’t hold any value for us because they didn’t hold any value to our spouse. If it did then our spouse would have done what they were supposed to do.
....when we choose this who we are is what others perceive us to be and when we believe that then we will always be beholden to others for our SELF. We will be defined by others, and live with self doubt

And this is what I don't want. Regardless if it's a new person or my W. Cause I'll have to keep my name on the DB board since I'll be guaranteed a return visit.

So now we do some DB'ing......

We detach.
We understand that what our spouse is doing is not to us. It is because of their fears and insecurities. It is because in part the way we have behaved. It is because most of all what THEY feel inside.
We understand that we have no control over this.
We set boundaries to protect ourselves and our family.
We don’t fully understand why we are walking down this path. We still doubt why we are since we don’t understand why our spouse is still making these choices. And we think we will be validated for all the self doubt we still harbor if our spouse comes back. If we could get that to happen then we would be ok.

And now this>>>>>

The lack of unconditional love is the cause of most of our anger and confusion.
We learned that love was conditional, that we had to get it from the people around us with our words and behavior

This shows how my current M (even pre-bomb) is what I agreed above I don't want next because it's the "trade love for validation and self-respect"

Thus>>>>>

Isn’t our marriage based on this? Isn’t this where it derailed? Isn’t this why we still feel we have to get our spouse back?

The last sentence stings.

Now a little empathy and perspective>>>>>>>

If we leave now we confirm our ignorance of what love means and confirm that to our spouse that your love was not real but dependent and conditional.
You confirm again all the self loathing your spouse feels inside because the person that is supposed to love them hasn’t and won’t and never will.

OUCH!!

So go PAST THE PAIN to the answer:

We start to focus on ourselves. To look inside and know who we are.

Find things we don’t like. Endeavor to change them. To learn what and who we aspire to be.

Not as someone our spouse wants us to be. We tried that already.
Who we really are.

When you do that you begin to understand why you are standing for your spouse and your marriage.

Unconditional love is when we love despite the foolish choices of our spouse, when they fail to do what we desire, regardless of any choice they make. This love alone has the power to heal all wounds, deliver self respect and remove all doubt for you and your spouse.

The kicker? The chicken or egg?
To answer the question "Can one person REALLY save a marriage?"

...this is the paradox.

That we only get this when we give it.

Thanks, TG