New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

I just returned from dropping off the boys 600 miles from here. We had a great drive and a great last evening. Lots of memories made. I felt alive. It was just great.

Linked up with W and did the hand-off. I asked W if she had a few minutes to talk. She agreed. This is a first. Usually W loads the boys' bags and leaves right away...While the boys unloaded their bags, W and I talked for about 20 min. I probably broke some DB/DR rules in the process. I told W the boys needed a father and I needed them. I also told her I needed her too. I told her I took responsibility for everything that caused W to leave, and asked for her forgiveness. I told her I wasn't the man I used to be 2 years ago.

W said she still has trust issues and doesn't believe that I changed. She repeated the arguments that brought her to leave: she is afraid to come back because she doesn't feel I am a changed man. She even said she's always afraid to leave the boys with me, even for this trip ( I tend to not believe that part...she KNOWS the boys are 100% safe with me and we always have a great time together for the past 2 years)

W said her and the boys are happier now that we are separated because there is no argument.

W said she is afraid to walk on eggs and fears that I'd yell at her or the boys for no reason. I agreed with her and acknowledged what she said. She said she is tired of my not listening to her, doing everything that I wanted, never doing what she wanted. She said I never did anything with the boys. She resents the fact that my career always came before the family. I agreed with EVERYTHING she said and restated it all to her. I told her I GET IT, I GET IT ALL, and I am sorry I didn't do enough to treat her with respect during all these years.

I then told her I was NOT that man anymore. I told her I don't know how else to prove her that I am a completely different man, but that I am not the man she left 2 years ago. She said she also changed in the last 2 years and said she won't come back. She said each time she thinks about coming back, she always cries because she is afraid she will make the wrong decision.

She said her biggest issue is trusting me again. W then said she had to go while she was crying, and made her way back to her car. Then I said my final goodbyes to the boys as I gave each one long hugs and lots of kisses. W waited in the car, watching all along.W also talked to me with her sunglasses on...She cried while she spoke all along.

After she drove away with the boys, I was crushed. But then I remembered the rule to " not believe anything she says, and only believe half of what I see". During the entire conversation, W never brought up the issue of divorce, or refiling for divorce.
I never countered anything she said to prove my point. I just listened, and she carefully listened to me as well when I spoke. She did nod her head several times when I restated what she said.

Anyway. She really didn't mention anything new for the past 2 years. I feel she needed to re-justify being separated by mentioning everything I didn't do with her and the boys. But that was 2 years ago...For some reason I feel it was a good exchange, a chance for me to tell her face to face what I've had on my mind for a long time, and a chance for her to tell me what she thought without yelling or hanging up on me. I have to say she broke contact first because she was getting very emotional.

That's it. I am crushed because I saw the boys' face look at me as they drove away. But for some reason, I feel good about this exchange mainly because W agreed to talk face to face, never mentioned divorce, and really didn't mention anything new. But she had a chance to seize me up, see the "changed" JR, even agree with my restatements, and see how much I am close to the boys.

JR