WHY DO WE DO IT?

[navajo]

Transparency requires that she has no passwords on nanything and you are free to "have a look" at your request. If they are just friends, "have a look to confirm" Trust but verify.
Your house; your rules.
Your boundary.

Well, that's the thing. She is not denying still talking to him and our schedules are so screwey that I'd have to keep a log of when she was "in the house" and compare the times to any cell usage she let me see. Not sure I am organized enough for that! HA!

Simply awesome, my friend!! I find it ebbs and surges a little but considering I opnly confirmed the affair 5 weeks ago, I feel great.
Go buy No More Mr Nice Guy and Hold onto Your N.U.T.'s.
Very good books, IMO.

I just caught up on your sitch and you are doing GREAT! It's been about 11 weeks for me and I actaully now kind of see it as being in mourning. I mean I spent a few weeks in mourning over the death of my marriage and I believe I even went through the grieving process for the person my W used to be. I have now realized that (aunless/until she changes, the woman I loved is dead and I have to carry on. Now, when I see her, it is more like the "wayward female cousin feeling" like Sandi2 (I think) told me about a few pages ago.

Stick to your personal values on this. You value your kids first; if this requires some uncomfortableness to house you W, so be it. Priorities.
You could consider changing the custody. "Until you find your own quarters, I will keep the kids her" Just a thought if she doesn't abide by the boundary.

Yeah, like Puppy keeps saying, you have to do these things for yourself. I know that if she moves back in, it'll be a bit uncomfortable for all of us, but we ALL do things we don't want to occasionally (or we wouldn't be here! HA!) Actually, the kids stay with me exclusivly. D18 has spent 1 night over at the other house and said she's not going back. S13 said he's not staying anywhere besides here with me. But, as I said, I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror and years down the road, be able to stand the scrutiny of the kids about how I handled all of this and I WILL stay strong and keep my morals/values intact.

Great response to the "telling you how you feel". As far as the "being cold", I can't recall all the details of your sitch so could you refresh me on that? Did you pursue her feelings on this issue any further? e.g. "In what way did you feel I was cold?"

PS If you were cold, she wouldn't be in your house......

She made me realize that rather than just not tell her about the impending job changes, financial crisies that I got in the habbit of not talking/interacting with her much at all the past couple of years out of habbit. (Yes, I own up to that). I know now that trying to keep things from your SO, even to prevent worry/hurt/etc, is wrong. You are supposed to share the burdens in life with your partner. On the other hand, I couldn't talk to her about it because when I tried to occasionally early on, she would just shut down and start crying or yelling. So I found it easier to shut down emotionally on that aspect and it bled over into our other interactions.