A little update and some 'thinking out loud" Looking to accidentally come up with the answer, I guess.
So, after a day of loud music to keep me going as I cleaned the house and packed up most of her stuff (Good Lord, the clothes. I filled 4 boxes 4'x1'w x 1'. Had to run to the office to get more. 1 complete box of jeans; 2 of just tops and shirts. Unbelievable. Bet I came across 30 items that still had the tags on 'em)
I also pulled all her stuff from the bathrooms and started pulling the pictures I wanted (of me or my family). I have all the D2 stuff digitally. Wedding pics? Not interested.
So I'm sitting outside with a nice roaring fire. And I'm having troublr figuring out "where I am in all this"
-The affair continues -The "friendly, sometimes personal" texts continue. (none today) -I don't see that anything is working. -I'm drifting along on GAL'ing but not sure what else to do. (working out, eating better, talking to friendsa and family more) -I can't really say I'm 180'ing anything cause with the A and her not being here, the things I "forgot" in the M are pointless now (physical touch; good converstion, etc) -I am listening to NMMNG again and read Hold on...N.U.T's last night. Good info but left me aimless. I don't know where to start on my Non-negotiable Terms.
Being alone the last two days- that I thought would help- is turning out to be the worst thing. I'm left alone with my brain that simply rolls back and forth on how to feel and what to do next. What do I know?
-The affair makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of them disturbs me. Makes me angry.
-I am disappointed in myself for letting the marriage deteriorate to this point. It didn't have to turn out this way.
-My biggest failing was putting up with crap attitudes and behaviour for far too long as well as "giving away" my friends, family and hobbies (thereby my self-respect and character in the process).
-I still want my marriage back but I really can't say for 10 minutes in a row that I want my W back (see A above). Of course, I don't want the old M back but I still firmly believe she and I could fix this and make it better than ever.
-though I talk a good game, could I REALLY get past the affair with the "goober"? How do you "block" that memory from coming back forever?
-Is the best thing to just LEAD and get this divorce underway by pushing the Separation Agreement? It has to be done or the cake eating and disrespect of the ongoing affair makes me appear to me; her and even the OM as pathetic.
-On the other hand, I've seen it written over and over to never PUSH for the divorce. I need to understand the mindset here.
a)Am I doing it to shock her back? I understood that doing something to get them bck never works. b)To gain some respect regarding open marriage boundary? c)The only other reason is that I actually want a divorce from her and I can't say that for sure.
I know I'm thinking and analyzing too much but I'm desperately trying to KNOW what the next action needs to be.
Do I still love her? Yes. Do I want her back? I can't say Do I really just want a do-over? Maybe Do I respect her? No. The betrayal is overwhelmimg. Every day she continues the A and still tries to be friendly just P's me off worse and worse. And I know I can't live like this.
SO, given that I just answered the question of what to do nect (Separation Agreement), I still don't know the right attitude or mindset to carry into it with?
Sorry, but I'm adrift as to my motivation.
How can I LEAD the Sep agreement process and still want her back? How can I want her back given what she has done to "the family"? How can I divorce someone I still care for this much? How do I lead Separation without it coming off as an "affair busting and/or get her back" ploy?
