You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[whatisis]

CTH, I had a similar situation to deal with in the last few years of my marriage. When they don't want you they look for all sorts of reasons to support their decision. There is nothing they like about you! That is hard not to absorb when you're dealing with it day in and day out. Nothing is too mundane or small for them to comment on. Just remember, this is not who you are. Just as they re-write history they also start recognizing and making up your faults. I find that hard to combat sometimes because I was beaten into the ground so many times but had to just keep popping back up and carrying on. I know I once said to her after she criticized the way I slept in our bed (yes, she did!) "is there anything you actually do like about me?" It's important to realize that their reality is not and should not be your reality!

[mishka422]

Well said Wii!!!!

Alex! I thought you didn't make it through the wing challenge! You ate all 10 in 10 minutes and kept them down? You were sweating bullets there my man. Bravo for you! I only managed to get down 3 nuclear wings at Beef O'Brady's before giving up. The soak them in some ridiculous crazy hot sauce and then they roll them in jalapeno seeds. NUTS!

[ClingingToHope]

Mishka, I made it, but I didn't feel victorious. Never again. We're bouncing around ideas on what to do next.

[ClingingToHope]

Good day and night and then -- I'm ready for the 2x4s.

Got a ton done at work. Boss is happy. The hot wings video is a hit.

Put my $700 down for the new house -- rental. That's going to be big.

Made it to church for celebrate recovery. Sat with a friend whose husband has become an alcoholic and buried her in $50k in unknown credit card debt. She is holding up well.

After, met a friend and his GF up north. I am jealous. She's very sweet and they started dating even before his D became final. God has different plans for us all.

Then I was headed to see hospital_37 ... and I just didn't feel like it. That's good. Instead of heading home though I headed to my old home. STBXW is still in S.D. so I knew noone was there.

I looked around. Lots has changed. I've been chloroformed from the house. I went to the storage room where STBXW keeps all of the photos. She used to be a scrapbooker, dutifully booking every year of our life together. She's about four years behind now -- hmmmmmm. That's when the M kind of died.

So ... I took a stack of photos out of her folders. They mean more to me now than they do to her, I'm guessing.

Now I'm going to get some sleep. Big day tomorrow. Golf, church, scavenger hunt, tiki party. I may see church_31 and church_35.

If not, oh well. I've survived "the week my wife (STBXW) went partying in S.D."

[ClingingToHope]

Went golfing today. It was really hot, but it killed a few hours.

Before the round I got some texts from STBXW about what we are going to do about afterschool. I'm trying to stay out of a funk.

During the round I thought to myself about trying something new. Stop talking about the D or the D process or STBXW.

If someone asks me what's going on I'm going to say, "the D process isn't over."

If they ask about anything else I'm going to try to talk about the PROGRESS I've made. Moving into the new house is big. Cutting down on my debt is big. Having the girls half of next summer is big.

I talk about this stuff entirely too much.

In an hour I have a scavenger hunt that should be fun. If it isn't, well, I'll bail. There's a birthday party later tonight I can go to.

I have to focus on me.

[whatisis]

I looked around. Lots has changed. I've been chloroformed from the house. I went to the storage room where STBXW keeps all of the photos. She used to be a scrapbooker, dutifully booking every year of our life together. She's about four years behind now -- hmmmmmm. That's when the M kind of died.

So ... I took a stack of photos out of her folders. They mean more to me now than they do to her, I'm guessing.

CTH, is it really a good idea to be liberating photos from your STBX's house while she's away? Is this a 2 X 4? Hey, at least you didn't run over any signs this time!

[ClingingToHope]

No Wii, it isn't a good idea. It's my third major backslide in the 15 months I've been out of the house. Yes. The signs are OK.

Some things I've done pretty good at. Except for the day I got her filing, I have not called her in anger or weakness. We've not argued. A couple of times she tried to draw me into an argument and I didn't take the bait.

[ClingingToHope]

Fairly good night of GALing, albeit with one small disappointment.

Asked a coworker to do a scavenger hunt with me with my church group. I play basketball and softball with him and he has a ton of friends, but he doesn't go out much. He doesn't drink and everyone else does so it's just not his thing.

Since this was a non-drinking thing I thought he'd have fun.

The scavenger hunt drew almost 20 people. Church_31 came -- with her boyfriend. That was the disappointment, but I think I hid it well. My friend and I talked after and I told him I'm interested in her and he said he didn't sense I was down when she came with the boyfriend.

Church_31 and the BF actually teamed up with us and we went out having to find a rock climbing wall, posing with an outdoor sculpture, hug a Farm-and-Fleet employee, that sort of silly stuff. My big moment was getting my picture taken with two french fries in my nose.

We thought we did well. We finished last. Oh well. We ate with the group and then left about 10 because I knew of a birthday party where one of the TV reporters in town was turning 30.

That was OK. Her uncle had the party and even brought in his jazz band to play. My friend found an old high school friend, so he had an OK time.

There was a really pretty blond there and she didn't say a word to anyone. I was going to say hi and try to draw her out, but she left before I got the chance.

About midnight we'd run out of the things to do and took off. I checked if a couple of other friends were out. They weren't so I came home.

My friend, who is very good looking and single and still living with his parents and now has $30k in the bank, said an interesting thing to me. He said I do way more than anyone he knows, in terms of just getting out and meeting people.

I am a good GALer. I just wish I had his ability to just be -- not have to feel like I have to be out there every day.

All in all, a good night.

[newmama]

C2H--just catching up. Your wings video was excellent! Good job- you seem like a natural for your line of work (I mean as a reporter, but I guess you were able to eat spicy stuff, too! lol).

Your t-shirt was funny- I'm a fan of self deprecating humor! But you will be able to date quality women when you are ready. No need for that shirt!

The scavenger hunt sounded like a blast...well done playing it cool with Church_31.

"Just being" is definitely a challenge for many people. Did you have a hard time "just being" when you were married and things were going well?

Also, I wanted to comment that I think we, the LBSs, rewrite marriage history as well. I mean I know I started off only remembering the good stuff. But, strange enough, once I started interacting with the men this summer, I began to remember negative stuff. Why did it take dating? BUt I saw why having an OP makes the spouse rewrite the marriage, too.

[ClingingToHope]

Thanks NM. I've only worn the Tshirt for the two "I'll Eat That" videos. It's kind of an inside joke for my coworkers.

I was telling my friend last night that I feel like I'm in HS or college again. Back then you HAD to go out every weekend. There HAD to be something going on.

I was kind of a social director back then -- lots of different groups of friends so if one group wasn't doing something I'd check with another.

Once I got married there wasn't a NEED to do that anymore. I had STBXW. We socialized a lot when we were younger. Then a couple of our couple friends moved away. Then we had kids. Then STBXW didn't want to see this person or that person so we'd avoid them.

Pretty soon the only time we socialized was work functions and our date nights were just us -- and we'd sit there mostly in silence.

But just "being" was fine because we had the family.

So when I moved out it was really scary having to get back out there again. I'd really cut back my close friends to a very small group.

In a way, the financial stuff kind of decides things for me anyway. Next weekend I have my girls. The weekend after I'm working Friday night at a HS football game and then Saturday and Sunday in Chicago at a running race.

The weekend after I have my girls. The weekend after that I have another football game/running race combo and then I have my girls again. So the next kid-free, work-free weekend I have is in six weeks.

I'm like you on the marriage history as well. When we split up I'd think about the good trips we had together, the good birthdays we spent, the good times we worked together.

As time has gone on I remember how few and far between those really were. Monday I was swimming with the girls at the family campground and I remembered that nearly ALL of my positive memories of the campground are with the girls and only a couple are with STBXW. And those go way back to when we were dating or our honeymoon. Otherwise it was always awkward there -- stilted conversation, trying really to find time away from each other.

Wednesday the girls and I were swimming at an outdoor water park and I remembered STBXW rarely ever came with us -- there was one summer she was a size 2 that she did come because she looked great -- and when she did she usually spent the entire time asking when we were going to leave.

I really, really, really miss spending every day with the girls. The STBXW I miss is from the first three years of the M.