Still trying to find my way

[newmama]

Mystik, Timeheals is right...once you start moving your body and eating 3 meals again, it does amazing things for your mental state. Try it for a week and see for yourself!

"A body in motion tends to stay in motion"

"A body at rest tends to stay at rest"

[Abbey]

Back to the one minute, 5 minute rule. Try doing something that takes you 1 minute and 5 minutes each day. Every day.

Mine, FWIW was at first, going to get the mail. It took me about 2 minutes every day. And trust me,... there were days it took everything I had in me to get out the door to do it.

I *know* what depression does to you, and how it grips you and isn't interested in letting you go.

Envision yourself busting free. Punching yourself through the wall. This goes back to "The Secret". While simplistic in it's professed success, it still has merit. See yourself breaking free, immerse yourself in that vision.

There is SO much on your plate right now, and the depression is crippling. The only way to fix it, is to keep make new routines.

Oh... and the dreams thing. Many folks go through all kinds of wacko and vivid dreams on anti-d's. Mine made me mad. Understand that they are simply dreams. It's one of the things you're going to have to look at reprogram in yourself HOW you let them rip your insides out. They're dreams, brought on by your meds. Don't let them define your life and your progress.

*hugs*

[Mystik]

Saw my psychatric NP last night, she added another medication to my drug panel. The ADs I'm on only work on serotonin levels and receptors, so she's adding Wellbutrin which works on dopamine levels. I'm to try that for a month and see if that is able to break the fierce hold depression has on me. So now I'm on three meds for depression, four if you count the one to help me sleep at night.

Saw my psychiatrist right after, that went fine I guess. I see her next week and she wants me to get out and do something out of the house this weekend like take a walk or something. She said I have anhedonia, where nothing brings me pleasure. I'm bored at home, I'm bored when I'm not home. I just want to sit home on the computer, which even that can bore me.

I am feeling restless, like I want to move or work on a home improvement project. This apartment isn't home, it never has been. And I'm bored with it, along with everything else in my life. I've done all that I can here as far as decorating or improving things. Logically I know that waiting it out, working on saving money and working on improving my credit over the next year will be in my best interest. I just want a place that's mine, though. With a yard I can plant flowers in, a yard where DS can play without piles of dog crap everywhere. A place where I don't have to ask permission to paint the walls or put down a new floor if I want, where I can have a table and chair set outside to sit in during the evenings watching DS play in the yard. I miss the house I had with H. I miss working on the home improvement projects that house so desperately needed. I wish so much that I had been able to somehow afford to keep the house myself instead of being forced into selling. That house is home to me.

My mom knows a person who is trying to sell her house, it was bought when she was with her now ex-husband. She's ready to sell, wants that part of her life over with because she's with a new guy, she's locked into a contract with a realtor until January when she'll reassess things if the house hasn't sold. I told my mom to let her know I'd be interested in either renting or renting to own if it's still available come January. I can see me and DS living in that house, but with my crappy credit and lack of savings there's no way I could outright try to buy it. I could barely afford it at half the asking price, no way could I manage full asking price.

[Mystik]

TimeHeals ~ I do need to dust off that gym membership, don't I?

NewMama ~ Been a long time since I've eaten three meals a day. So does that mean to actually do that would be a 180 for me? lol

Abbey ~ The dreams just feel so real they tear me up inside. I'll have to try that visioning exercise.

[Mystik]

H called me at lunch today, took me by surprise to hear his voice. And that he called instead of e-mailing was odd, too. Now I'm all out of sorts and upset and hurting. I was hurting before, but now it's more pronounced.

He said he has a cold that's just getting worse, can he skip tonight and take DS over the weekend instead? Whatever was convenient for me. I commented that it seems we have yet to go a week where he goes the full Thursday to Wednesday without seeing DS and he said it's a long time, that he was trying to make it fair to me but it is a long time without seeing DS and something we can think about.

Fair to me? He's trying to make it fair to me. Tell me, what about this entire situation has been fair to me? None if it. And I'm crying almost every day because of that.

I most likely will let him take DS on Monday, but not on Saturday or Sunday. I have plans with DS on Saturday and a birthday party on Sunday. It will be Tuesday to Monday, so comparable to the Thursday to Wednesday stretch.

[Mystik]

H called at twenty to eleven this morning wanting to take DS for the day. I told him he couldn't right then, that I was expecting my friend and her little boy at any moment. I guess we left it at DS was going to call H when they left. Well, they left a few hours ago and I have not reminded DS to call H. I don't have any real plans with DS that would prevent him from seeing his father today. But it's my weekend with DS, my time to spend one on one with him. But knowing myself I'll cave and let H take DS this afternoon.

[Mystik]

H called again, asking about taking DS. I was in the bathroom so he told DS to have me call him when I was done. I didn't because I was trying to figure out how to get out of him taking DS today. Then I got a text from H asking if I was mad upset about anything in particular, other than the obvious, was I trying to avoid talking to him. I said back that it bothered me I had to rearrange my day because he didn't feel good Thursday, that I had planned a day of relaxing with DS and now felt obligated to let him see DS. He texted back to ask why I didn't tell him on Thursday and I said because on Thursday he offered to take him Monday. H responded that he also asked about Sunday which I said wasn't a good day and if it made that big of a difference he would take him Monday, but he knows DS wanted to see him today so he thought it would be nice. I replied that it's my weekend with DS but if I don't let him see H then I come across as being a b*tch. H said then Monday it is and to give DS a hug. He also texted that he's not trying to be a jerk about things, that he misses DS and isn't contagious. He knows that it's my weekend but he can't help it, he wants to see DS. And that it's DS's fault for being so awesome, could I have DS call him. I replied that we do have an awesome kid and had DS call but H didn't answer.

DS was fine with not seeing his father today, I told him that he and I could have a fun day. He said he wanted to spend time with me but didn't want to make his daddy sad and I told him that Daddy was ok with it.

Head out to bring my mom home and H called. Passed the phone to DS and from his side of things apparently H was telling him that Whore's brat is moving into DS's room at H's place and the brat's room is becoming the new baby's rooom. DS didn't sound too pleased about it. Drop my mom off and H needs to talk to me, wants to take DS for the entire day Wednesday to bring him to the fair. I choke up but agree, thinking that taking DS to the fair is something that H and I should be doing as a family.

H asked if I was ok and I told him that no, I'm not ok but I don't have a choice. He said he was hoping I was doing better so we could talk about the divorce and had I thought about it any, reconsidered my stance on not signing it. He said he would pay for the whole thing if I would just sign. I said no, that I hadn't changed my mind, that I don't want one. I asked if he'd even talked to We the People yet to know if he could file, he replied he has the paperwork but hasn't filled it out yet. I said that he can't be the plaintiff and file against himself and he said he knew that, that I would have to be the plaintiff. And I said that I'm not, I don't want this. He said it would have to be some kind of abandonment in order to get a divorce without having a legal separation and as long as I sign it he'd be ok with physical or the other one, where he didn't meet the marital obligations, you know, perform his husbandly duties. Now, I was getting progressively more upset the more he talked so I said that he was too busy doing that with someone else and hung up, then started fully crying. He called back, I ignored it. DS asked if I was talking to his daddy still and I said no, so he asked could he talk to his daddy. I said sure and passed him the phone. DS called H back and kept asking me questions then relaying the answer to his father. He asked if I could talk, I said no, then asked if I was still crying, I said yes. I guess H gave up because he talked to DS for a few more minutes then they ended the conversation and he hasn't called back since.

[TimeHeals]

Get a dog gone attorney and stop talking about this legal crap. What I am reading sounds like pure BS. Good Gawd, how long are you two going to drag this drama out?

[courageous wife]

mystik

IF you don't want the D...then let him do all the work! HE can call and ask We The People. Don't talk to him about it...when he calls, talk about S and that is it...if he wants to talk about the D...cheerfully say you are busy...try and put it off nicely..no crying!

[Mystik]

CW, that's my plan. I definitely do not want a D, so I'm not going to be the one to file. I need to work on projecting a cheerful persona. Just having to talk to him gets me emotional, and it's only after the fact that I think I should have told him it wasn't a good time to discuss that. I don't think well on my feet.