WAH and LBW separated and dark

[DumpedforMIL]

You still have the outstanding challenge of the statement.

i think some guidance here. what kind of statement am i trying to come up with? is it like what to say during a conversation with h? or is this a monologue type statement?

Me being quiet was also kinda part of the challenge.

it's a good thing you let me know because i thought you abandoned me here half way. i'm like ... is this where it ends? she saved herself so your job is done?

All it takes is for one of those people to "do something nice back".. and it sets in motion a change. As you have seen it builds your self worth back up. It also enhances your "compassion".

i see what you are getting at. my self-worth is up a bit. not fully yet. i still fall back to my 'oh woe is me' phase.

It is hard to get someone to believe they are worth "something" when all this crap is floating around.

it is when all you see is a marriage on the rocks, selling a home you loved and put work into, fighting over stupid things like lamps and end tables, and then there are the lawyers. ugh ..

The only reason you are still posting is that you have a tiny bit of hope.. that keeps pushing to "find the answer". The answer lies within you. It is as simple as that. Who do you want to be?

some days i have no hope at all. i go from 0 to 5% hope.
i'm still trying to find the answer. rather than try to make an educated guess, i'm choosing to just trust you that the true answer will come in time.

who do i want to be? i want to be a person who isn't afraid to speak up. but when i speak up, i want it to be clear and concise. i tend to dig or have snarky remarks attached to my statements. this has to stop.

the vets have asked me a few times who i am and there are two things that stand out and have never changed about me.
1. i always have people's best interest in mind. i try to help bring out the best in others - it could be with tough love, cheerleading, encouragement, or leading by example. it is something that resonates in my bones. it's my version of "enabling the childhood dreams of others". and it is fun to do and watch.
2. sharing will always be a part of me. even as a child, it would not seem right to be enjoying a bag of mcdonalds fries by myself. i would be giving 3/4 of my fries to everyone. happiness in a bag can be shared and make 10 other kids happy. how cool is that? as an adult, fries are replaced with other things like homemade cupcakes, knowledge, and stories.

You have to stop acting a fool. You have to think clearly. You have to respond smartly. You can't do that if you do not value YOU. It is that old adage.. "How can someone love you.. if you don't love yourself."

in my mind, i can love myself as much as i can but i don't think anybody wants to love me. my h no longer loved me.
yes it is mind reading, but this is what is etched in my brain.

It takes "someone" that can "duck, dodge and pull" to just get out alive. It takes "someone" smart.. and prepared.. to "win".. and evoke a change.

One person set this in motion.. why can't one person change the direction?

because there is so much momentum towards d, heavy resistance against reconcilation, and a desperate need to "win" at all costs that it seems like i'm trying to harness the energy of a hurricane with a butterfly net.

i'm not arguing your point, but i'll let you know my thought process.

because i have the tendency to be think things through process-wise, i'll know the pros and cons, what could go wrong, what our back up plan would be if things do go well, etc. i will think with my brain instead of my heart. i could phrase it smartly .. all with good intentions.

but how do i do this without making him feel emasculated? without making it look like i "won"? because as soon as he goes speechless, then it will appear as if i "won". and then it doesn't matter what i said. all that gets registered is she "won" again and i "lost". not a very manly feeling. this is something i have to be very careful about because although my intentions are good, this ends up being a negative side effect.

i'm going to break my mind reading rule and just say that i feel that he is trying to win at all costs. the only thing that matters is that he wins. if it's friendship that i want, he will make sure i don't get it. if it reconciliation that i want, he will make sure i don't get it. whatever i want, he will make sure i don't get. my rings, my handbag, my sunglasses .. it's all petty and the goal is just for him to win by making sure i don't get what i want.

i guess i'm just doubtful because playing it smart and "winning" throughout my marriage pushed him away. i don't want to be a doormat and let him have his way but i want to 'win' without having to push him away.

"i am guilty of not communicating my intentions or what i am trying to achieve."

So.. with your long post.. what do you need to be more clear about?

when i plan something, i don't tell him the entire details of my thought process. i just say, we need to do this. just do it. don't worry, the end goal is still going to be good. it's like leaving him out of my plans. it's really a trust issue. do i trust him enough that he won't sabotage my plans? and often i don't .. which is why i don't fully communicate my intentions. i think i slowly started to feel a wall between the two of us. and i had to start looking out for me. i could not control him but i had to protect myself in case anything happened. it was that feeling of knowing he didn't have your back. and that feelings grew stronger and stronger. it was so strong at christmas, that it was me vs. them. it wasn't 'us' anymore. i tried my best to keep their best interests in mind. but soon it started to feel like they were taking advantage of my generosity. and i cut that off immediately which came across as me being cold and unwelcoming.

loyalty is a two way street. as soon as i feel like you are taking advantage of my generosity, i will stop until i see some reciprocation. and if i don't, i will continue to shut down. it was probably not the best way to set boundaries but i set boundaries with actions .. not necessarily with words.

"i still love my h very much and i realize that my plans to "win" got in the way."

Start your statement with this.

Expand on it slightly.

i was so focused on doing what *i* felt was right for us that i never even asked 'us' whether it was the right thing for us. i just assumed that it was right. in turn, i left my h behind .. i neglected him.

"maybe he did appreciate it but the 'need to win' turned me into someone else. and not the person he fell in love with."

^^^^ Hint on what to expand on. It needs rephrasing.

i am guilty of not inviting him into my plans for us. it was visible in everything i did. for example, i felt it was important for us to have a clean kitchen so i would spend hours cleaning the kitchen. my intention was to keep the kitchen clean so that i would not have to spend time later to clean it. however, i didn't realize that i was sacrificing quality time together. he would drop hints that he wanted some intimate time together. and i would be focused on washing the dishes that i would push him away.
i missed the signs. and i am sorry. how do i make it right?

It is not what you say.. so much. It is HOW you say it. The "opponent" knows you. Maybe even better than you know yourself.

Cupcakes come to mind.

it's unfortunate that this medium doesn't "tell" you how i am saying things. you can only read what i write. but not how i say it. i agree - the "how i say it" is key.

i don't understand the cupcake reference though.

"i have to admit, sometimes i think i'm doing better than he is."

The thing is.. to a point.. this is a fantastic thought. You are doing better than him. You have learned something. You are hopefully making yourself a better person. He chose this.. but you are moving forward? Seems kinda cool to me.

you are forgetting the second part though. i also tell myself that i can't think this way. it is possible that he's having the time of his life. maybe he has a new woman in his life. and it's all wonderful. i know this isn't a competition. but it's also how i motivate myself to continue doing what works for me and keeping me happy. we're not out of the "fake it until you make it" stage yet. at least, that's not how i see myself. i have to push myself harder. be the best person you can be. be stronger physically, mentally, emotionally. you cannot waver. i need to discover my limits.

Sitting across a table.. with L.. is going to be a testing time. For both of you. Showing up in front of a judge for him to declare you D... is gonna pull the heart strings for both of you. Don't underestimate that.

yes, i understand this.
i know you are preparing me for this. that alone states there was no hope to save my m to begin with. the last thread has been snapped. hope meter reached 0.

i fear the day that i will be signing the divorce papers. i won't know how to react. i could be numb from everything by then that i will have no emotion.

"well, at this point .. we're not bff."

You can't claim bff.. and then not mean it.

when i said that i meant that we are no longer friends at this point. and again, not my choice. just like the d. not my choice.

You hurt him.. he lashed out. Then the "cycle" started.

he also hurt me too. let's not forget that i was also hurt.

"i don't want my old marriage. saving my marriage implies that i want my old marriage back. and i don't."

^^^^^ Hint on adding to statement.

you're right. our old marriage wasn't working for us. i hope that at the end of this, we still consider each other friends.

Now...

Do Work.

my post is all over the place today.
i'm working on my statement.
but i have zero hope now.
it's not even because i discovered something or anything. i stopped snooping because it wasn't good for me mentally.

the way i see things is .. we have zero communication.
he stopped going to squash, despite gaining 30 lbs in early july.

most days, i don't even want to think of a statement because i don't want to face him. what if he is doing great? what if there is a new woman in his life and the reason why he stopped going to squash is because he found a new cardio exercise that he preferred .. the horizontal mambo.

i'd be hurt but that just puts the final nail in the marital coffin and i would look like fool talking about reconciliation and doing the work.

yes, i know .. we are working on me first. it is the only way to get the ball rolling. i am still working on me. still going along with this. zero hope. but maybe there is something you know that i don't. and i'm curious to find out what i am going to learn next.

i will enter my thoughts in a journaling post.

have a great vacation. and thanks for keeping in touch. i get all unstable around the weirdest times.