I have been lurking here for several months. My situation is similar in some ways to yours, Didthehurt, so I come out of the shadows now to see if we can mutually help each other.
Short version of my tale is that I neglected my wife by addicting myself to computer stuff and had a couple of concurrent 3-month Internet EA's on her in 2008 that she found out about after I had already stopped them. However, I HORRIBLY compounded things by not taking full responsibility for my actions at that time (or even blaming her), by not expressing remorse for how I had hurt her through the affairs, through my neglect of her and through my lying; and worse by not breaking free of my other computer gaming addictions. My wife finally reached her breaking point in April of 2010 saying we needed to divorce.
The aspects of DB/DR that I've been applying hard-core and which seem to be buying time at least and moving her to ambivalence instead of sure-fire divorce are:
1) I did not move out, but helped her get a place nearby that I helped her furnish and move her stuff into
1) 180's (own therapy, tons of life changes physical and emotional), but don't proclaim them to her. Do it for yourself and let her see them when she happens to see them.
2) Not pushing/clingy/needy/begging, no initiation of R talk
3) If/when SHE initiates R talk, VALIDATING her anger, resentment and hurt as it comes out always followed by owning what I did to her and saying how sorry I was for the HURT I caused her.
4) Do NOT argue against her or get drawn into fights with her (AVOID LOVE BUSTERS)
5) Give space, let her come to you in terms of phone calls, text, emails, BUT when she calls very positive mental attitude
Aspects that I have been applying from books on healing from infidelity (also see Harley's Marriage Builders site)
6) By my therapist's advice, I'm essentially doing a Step 8/9 with her (from 12-step program, look it up if you are unfamiliar with it) in the next couple of weeks. Essentially you are taking full responsibility for how you've wronged her and the hurt you caused her up front and not asking for anything in return. Going through the process is helpful for self-change, to gain empathy for the hurt you've caused them, and to try to communicate your remorse to them. It's important to look at HOW the apologies be made -- you need to take FULL responsibility and ACKNOWLEDGE that you deeply hurt them and are sorry for doing so
7) Promise/offer any transparency
8) FILL her love tank when she gives you the opportunity to (listen to what she says and what she asks for in terms of emotional needs -- she may ask for nothing initially other than space but WHEN she asks for ANYTHING, be ready to hear it).
It is a tricky situation because I suspect in both of our cases it is a mix of the infidelity and the WAS syndrome, and they need to heal from the infidelity and sometimes it seems the LRT does not allow that.
From her initial declaration that she was going to file and couldn't stand being in the same room as me, my current situation is that we are separated for just over 2 months, we are each in individual counseling, she no longer says she is certain of divorce, and she is uncertain about whether she wants to get back together with me. She is less angry and anxious in a general way than she was at me at the beginning, but it still comes out about 1x/week. She calls at least daily, and we see each other in context of kids usually 2x/week. BUT, she still refuses to do marriage counseling....
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
me 36 W 33 s-6 s-4 together since 1991 married Dec 2000 9years first affair before we where married. Second affair 1/2007 Gone Nov,2007 Back June 2008. ILYBNILY---i cannot believe you did this 7/22/2010
Don't know if you are reading stuff in addition to DR/DB, but I am also reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass (in addition to Marriage Builders site), among other stuff. Keep posting on ur sich.
Is ur wife willing to do MC with you? I am considering starting to go individually with a pro-marriage, solution oriented therapist (in addition to my individual counselor) since she is currently unwilling to go. Be interested to hear your thoughts and thoughts of others re: this.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
My wife said she didn't want to go. I tried getting her to the retrouvialle weekend but she said I was being to pushy. I have asked her to go and try other things, but she says she has done enough. She went with me orginally 3 yrs ago for about 8 sessions during summer. Then she stopped flash forward to this April and she said she started to see a therapist. Red flag she wouldn't give me the name. She got put on zoloft. Bomb dropped in last weekend of july. She has tried everything something should have helped. She feels pain everyday everything reminds her of the affair.
me 36 W 33 s-6 s-4 together since 1991 married Dec 2000 9years first affair before we where married. Second affair 1/2007 Gone Nov,2007 Back June 2008. ILYBNILY---i cannot believe you did this 7/22/2010
Well, at the risk of sounding trite... you created this mess, so you have to deal with the consequences.
She's lost interest in YOU and your marriage, and who can blame her really? What you did is one of the most cruel, disrespectful things anybody can do to their spouse.
The ball is in her court, and she doesn't have to forgive you right now (she does eventually for her own peace, but it may be too late for your marriage).
You just have to accept her feelings because... they are her feelings, and trying to talk her out of them isn't going to work. You can't talk yourself out of something you acted yourself into.
All you can do is try to live your life with as much integrity as possible going forward. Make changes to YOU for YOU, and what will happen will happen.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 08/14/1003:03 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I believe you mentioned that you've done IC. This is a good start. Other than that what are the other things you've done to try to restore trust in the M? If you list some of the things you've done, maybe we can help point out some other things that you can work on. I really like Bustorama's list above, especially #6,7,8.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
cut off affair over 3yrs ago. gotten into Counseling going on 3yrs now. got her access to my cell phones records. quit going out with my single "guy" friends. Give her updates of everywhere i'm at and what i'm doing. travel for work sometimes spend over 6hours on the roads so that i can be home. stopped playing softball (until recently started up again), quit cycling. Working out right before i would get home instead of getting home and "playing" on the computer. help out alot more around the house and with the kids.
me 36 W 33 s-6 s-4 together since 1991 married Dec 2000 9years first affair before we where married. Second affair 1/2007 Gone Nov,2007 Back June 2008. ILYBNILY---i cannot believe you did this 7/22/2010
she did not acknowledge most of it. She had kept her hurt and anger from me most of the last 2yrs. So i do not even know what fills her love tank. I just feel like i;m gonna be throwing in the towel soon.
me 36 W 33 s-6 s-4 together since 1991 married Dec 2000 9years first affair before we where married. Second affair 1/2007 Gone Nov,2007 Back June 2008. ILYBNILY---i cannot believe you did this 7/22/2010
So today I'm driving 3hrs to pick up my oldest son for a small vacation. W txts me asking if I'm gonna stay at the house. I said yea and that she needs to be there also. Youngest is gonna start school tomorrow. She says that she is not sure that she wants to stay there. I said our houuse is a safe place. It was built by people who love each other. I was gonna say that if she didn't want to be in M that she should leave, because i'm here and willing to do whatever it takes to turn the ship around. Anything else I should say?
me 36 W 33 s-6 s-4 together since 1991 married Dec 2000 9years first affair before we where married. Second affair 1/2007 Gone Nov,2007 Back June 2008. ILYBNILY---i cannot believe you did this 7/22/2010
