- No meeting with the opposite sex unless the other person has met them. (I tried the NC with opposite sex, but she didn't like that considering she has a good gay friend, and one guy friend. We can talk about that more in MC this week.)
OK, so what's going to happen when she announces to you a third guy friend, who you DON'T know (or don't know well), who's a flaming heterosexual, and about whom you've got this gnawing knot in your stomach, saying "Warning, Will Robinson!" ???
Quote:
- Full internet transparency (FB, email, phone, etc) after our MC this Wednesday. I agreed to this because I knew this is a HUGE issue for her (controlling, manipulative, father figure), but I'm the one who suggested that if she would agree to this, I would give her a time window to become accustomed to it before relinquishingn control. She said OK and that she would do so after she talked with MC about it so she could feel more comfortable about it.
WTF??? "I agree to stop playing with matches, but I get to keep the kerosene and matches until this Wednesday, when we can talk to the MC about it." lol
I hope your position at the MC appt will be FIRM with this, John. This isn't about "control," this is about a perfectly reasonable (considering her multiple past infidelities) boundary that YOU need in order to be willing to remain in the marriage with her.
From my personal archives:
The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example:
"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."
