Newbie, separated and looking for support (long),

[Sky's Wife]

Hi all,

I am new to the board, but the DB concept is not totally new to me. I learned about it the first time 10 years ago, when I found myself fighthing with a similar situation as today, but even worse, as then there were a confirmed depression and an OW in the picture. Seems there is no OW this time, but many of his feelings description he told me then, I heard again now. English is not my mother tongue, but I hope I write clear and readable.


So here is my present sitch: we are both 47, college sweethearts, together 27 years, married 23, with one DD, 22. On 07/27/10 my H told me he wants a divorce. A day earlier I went to my hometown to visit my uncle's family with my DD, and when I came back next day he was not at home. I texted him to ask where he is and he replied he is at the dropzone (he flies gliders and skydives, a hobby), will go to his mother's later and come home tomorrow. Then we have to talk seriously, he said. I called him and insisted that we talk immediately and he finally agreed to meet me in my office in half an hour.

Then he told me he wants a divorce and "please lets finish this amicably and ASAP". Said he can't be with me any more, can't stay in our house any more, feels suffocated and have an urge to run away. Its ok when he is alone or with DD, but if we're alone than he feels he wants out. He also told me he starts to feel depressed again, dark thoughts about suicide started to creep his mind again, and he found himself thinking about what would happen if i.e. my airplane crash and he finds himself alone with DD….". He said I don't love you as a woman any more, but I love you as a friend, as mother of my child, I respect you and highly admire you for your strenght and courage to leave a secure public job to run your own company." When I aske when did you recognise that you don't love me any more, he said don't know, maybe six months ago, but at first I didn't want to admit it to myself. He said there is nobody else in the picture, he is just miserable and can't be with me any more.

What could I do? I told him I will agree on divorce if this is what he really wants, but I asked him to first look for some professional help for himself (having depression issues in mind), to recognise/identify his problems and address them, to define his goals and priorities in life and be clear what he really wants for himself , and then, if he still wanted a divorce, I will sign. He agreed, imeediately, and said yes, I will, I owe you that, at least that. We agreed he will not proceed with filing or any other action to divorce for now, till he comes to conslusions and then we will talk "with cold heads".

So where we are today? He didn't come home after this conversation, stayed at his mom, and didn't move out his stuff either – just took his laptop and one bag of summer clothes, some underware, few pieces for cold weather and some sport clothes + sneakers. Majority of his possessions, all his hobby stuff, and at least half of his wardrobe is still here at home. The word divorce has not been mentioned since then between us, but we didn't speak a lot in last 19 days since he moved out – only the next day when I came to his place, the day after when he came to pick his clothes and then nothing from 08/02/10 till yesterday.

I am in limbo now. On one hand he seems sure in his decision and as if he is detaching from us and proceeding to set up his single life – i.e. bought a cable and Internet for mom's apartment, refunded me his share of cell phone bill (his cell is in my company's VPN), offered to participate in our house utility costs (and paid bills he usually paid before). On the other hand, whenever he sees me or talk to me he cries and sound very sad, tells me he is not well but he tries to be, and just lives day by day. Tells me he cares deeply about me and DD and can't be at peace if we miss anything, he offers to do things for us, anything we need.
Yesterday when we spoke he told me about his medical lab test results (had some infection and went to check it up), asked me about my ultrasound results and generally we chatted a bit about whats happening in our lives. The conversation was not focused on us but on health, whats up at home etc. He cried a bit and sounded very sad, and I slipped too and said I don't miss anything, just miss you here.

I just don't know what to do, I love him dearly, and would turn the world upside down for us. I don't want to lose him and our family, I don't believe he doesn't love me any more, because I've seen so many expressions of love from him just recently, just days before he left.

I try to keep myself going on, but honestly, I am at such a low point now that I barely function. Is there a hope? He already moved out once, 10 years ago, and returned back after 6 months. Is there a hope this time?

Thank you all for reading and bearing with me, I so much need a support now.


Sky's Wife