i caused the pain

[bustorama]

I have been lurking here for several months. My situation is similar in some ways to yours, Didthehurt, so I come out of the shadows now to see if we can mutually help each other.

Short version of my tale is that I neglected my wife by addicting myself to computer stuff and had a couple of concurrent 3-month Internet EA's on her in 2008 that she found out about after I had already stopped them. However, I HORRIBLY compounded things by not taking full responsibility for my actions at that time (or even blaming her), by not expressing remorse for how I had hurt her through the affairs, through my neglect of her and through my lying; and worse by not breaking free of my other computer gaming addictions. My wife finally reached her breaking point in April of 2010 saying we needed to divorce.

The aspects of DB/DR that I've been applying hard-core and which seem to be buying time at least and moving her to ambivalence instead of sure-fire divorce are:

1) I did not move out, but helped her get a place nearby that I helped her furnish and move her stuff into

1) 180's (own therapy, tons of life changes physical and emotional), but don't proclaim them to her. Do it for yourself and let her see them when she happens to see them.

2) Not pushing/clingy/needy/begging, no initiation of R talk

3) If/when SHE initiates R talk, VALIDATING her anger, resentment and hurt as it comes out always followed by owning what I did to her and saying how sorry I was for the HURT I caused her.

4) Do NOT argue against her or get drawn into fights with her (AVOID LOVE BUSTERS)

5) Give space, let her come to you in terms of phone calls, text, emails, BUT when she calls very positive mental attitude

Aspects that I have been applying from books on healing from infidelity (also see Harley's Marriage Builders site)

6) By my therapist's advice, I'm essentially doing a Step 8/9 with her (from 12-step program, look it up if you are unfamiliar with it) in the next couple of weeks. Essentially you are taking full responsibility for how you've wronged her and the hurt you caused her up front and not asking for anything in return. Going through the process is helpful for self-change, to gain empathy for the hurt you've caused them, and to try to communicate your remorse to them. It's important to look at HOW the apologies be made -- you need to take FULL responsibility and ACKNOWLEDGE that you deeply hurt them and are sorry for doing so

7) Promise/offer any transparency

8) FILL her love tank when she gives you the opportunity to (listen to what she says and what she asks for in terms of emotional needs -- she may ask for nothing initially other than space but WHEN she asks for ANYTHING, be ready to hear it).

It is a tricky situation because I suspect in both of our cases it is a mix of the infidelity and the WAS syndrome, and they need to heal from the infidelity and sometimes it seems the LRT does not allow that.

From her initial declaration that she was going to file and couldn't stand being in the same room as me, my current situation is that we are separated for just over 2 months, we are each in individual counseling, she no longer says she is certain of divorce, and she is uncertain about whether she wants to get back together with me. She is less angry and anxious in a general way than she was at me at the beginning, but it still comes out about 1x/week. She calls at least daily, and we see each other in context of kids usually 2x/week. BUT, she still refuses to do marriage counseling....