Well here I am now. Moved over from DBD

[ImprovedRomeo]

g450, I can so understand that feeling. And special occasions are the hardest, especially the first time around since the only frame of reference is the previous year or some other special year where you were a family, had a wife, living the dream and now it's all gone. The best thing you can do for next year is to make this time special by doing something special for you. That way next year you can look back and say 'if I could do that then I can do something even better now'

Yes you're right in thinking that calling her won't accomplish anything. It'll be a huge back slide...you don't want to go there. It's like with my STBXW I told her, among other things, when she came to rifle through the household stuff 'we sold most of the redundant stuff remember? because I thought we were getting together for good'...she just went quiet for a few secs but I bet she thinks I'm such a chump still hurting that she's left me. I can't take those actions/words back...don't do it. Be strong, you'll be OK!

Do you have activities you can do to keep busy? working out/social get togethers/hobbies? It really helps to keep your mind occupied with things that are of interest.

[whatisis]

g450, there's no time line on these things. I know someone who still cries, seven years after her separation, whenever she hears her slimeball of an ex has found himself a new main squeeze. One year is not a long time, I've been doing this for almost three years now and I still have times when I look at our wedding pictures and have a few tears. It's a huge hole in your life that you thought would never be there. It's a trauma. Often our society presents divorce as just one of those everyday things you go through but it's a trauma, not just a disappointment. I hope you find a way to do something for you on this anniversary and remember it's also OK to have a cry and feel a bit down on that day. It really is OK!

[g450]

Thanks guys,

You are right of course. Just easier said than done.

When I met her I was in my mid 20s and she was in her early 30s.
I was strong back then and was used to being on my own and even without my own home (was in the Navy).

But now being almost 50 I find myself very insecure and unsure of my future.

Dating thing is not really working out for me right now either and this has contributed to my depression. Seems that a lot of women my age are almost always divorced (sometimes multiple times) and have even bigger issues than my XW has.

It's scarry to think that my next relationship could be even worse than my separation and divorce.

I got sort of an omen a few days ago. We had a favorit restaraunt that we went to every week that closed down ten years ago. Well they just opened up again with the same owners and we knew them well. I will dine there this weekend. Im not one to believe in fate or signs but this did kind of seem like a sign to me.

Thanks for the kind words. I just wish I could get her out of my head and my heart but I can't.

[kat727]

You will get there when you are ready. I often wonder if it was better to draw all the stuff out like I did(a bit over 2 years) or to just get it done with? I know I tried everything that I could and kept hope until the last hearing date. When I heard him say under oath that he was done, that was it.

I don't know that a lot of divorced people really work on their own issues before jumping back into the dating pool or not. My theory is that they don't(thus the even higher 2nd marriage divorce rate)!

Know thyself, love yourself and get on with this thing called life!

kat

[whatisis]

I just wish I could get her out of my head and my heart but I can't.

No, you choose not to! I have no qualms about that because there comes a point where one day you will choose to get her out of your heart and head. Now, if presently you're finding things quite overwhelming it might be wise to go to your doctor and ask about AD's, others on this BB have said they really helped. It's an option to consider anyway.

[g450]

Just journeling:

Well my could-have-been 23rd Wedding Anniversary came and went. I survived by spending some time with a friend and with a little help from my other friend Whiskey & coke later that night LOL. Went out to the lake and got stuck in a rainstorm. Soaked to the bone but still had a good time.

Ironically I was out of town with her and I happen to see my XW on the freeway coming from Waco or Temple, TX. This was on a sunday and I could not help but once again speculate and obses over what she was doing up there and with whom on the day of our Aniversary. Ironically I guess she was probably doing the same thing I was, trying to forget. But I reminded myself that it was her that threw it all away with her affair and her divorce.

Then just out of the blue my friend joked with me that we should get married and buy a house by the lake since we could afford it with both our incomes. I'm 95% Sure she was joking but I actually sat there and contemplated what that might be like and it kind of felt good that this was even an option in her mind or that something like that could actually happen in my future with somebody new. I am still puzzled as to why she said it as she is not really interested in me romantically and has commitment issues. I answered "OK" just to guage her reaction...silence.

As of now I am still living alone in my three bedroom home and try make it a point to get out every weekend. My Son still lives in his house with his (renting) mother and it seems that phone calls and texting from him has diminished considerably. It may just be his work schedule but I pray she is not poisoning him against me with her BS.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching and I have discovered something brand new about myself. I always knew that I was codependant on my XW. But I just realized that with every new relationship I have with women that I date or have fun with I have automatically detached a small part of my heart from them where I would care less if they were to leave me for another. When I realized this it kind of bothered me a bit. I have this new self defense mechanism in me it seems.

Is this normal? Is this healthy? I guess you can say that I can no longer give a woman 100% of my heart. More like 95%. That little part of me that caused me jealousy and insecurity is not really there for anyone anymore except my XW and even that is wanning.

I guess that I have been hurt so much by my XW that I put a little wall up around that small section of my heart so that I will never feel that pain again. I never want to feel like any women owns my heart. Does anybody understand what I am trying to explain? It's hard to put into words. And Im really not sure if it is healthy or not. I can't afford therapy so I am self diagnosing this self revelation.

I also went on a date with a much older woman recently and she did me the favor of being brutally honest. She said "you are not over your X yet and most women are not attracted to whinny men". Wow! She is right of course but she also did her own fair share of gripping about her XW LOL.

That was a wake up call. We finished our overly expensive Starbucks drinks and parted ways peacefully. Did I mention that I dont like dating? One thing I want to remind all of you here is that once you start dating, remember this golden rule: DO NOT talk about your X to your date unless she / he asks.

I do tend to want to know the circumstances behind a divorce as every single women my age it seems has been divorced at least once. And the ones that are in their 40s and have never been married kind of scare me a bit if you know what I mean.

[g450]

Small update:

I went to my XW's home town to visit my ex-inlaws.

I wanted to let them know that I still think of them as family. And I also wanted them to know the facts about what happened as my XW has been lying to them or not saying anything at all.

Not sure if that was a good idea now as my XW found out about my trip there and went ballistic on me last night.

She basically told me to stay away from her family and if I did not, she would dissown them. Wow! She is really that hateful that she would break all contact with her own Mother simply because there is still communication and love between her and me? WTH?!?

Now I have to decide on what to do. I do not want to come between my ex-MIL and her obviousely mentally disturbed daughter. But on the other hand I refuse to be bullied and I refuse to believe she would hate me so much as to destroy her relationship with her own family.

This is absolutely beyond my comprehension. What is she thinking? What is she afraid of? Could this woman that I loved really be this hateful and nasty to do such a thing?

Does she not realize that we have a Son together and that this ties our families together forever? What is she going to do when our Son gets Married and gives us grandchildren? Will she dissown her own Son because she does not want me there at the wedding or at family get-togethers? Seriously?!?

I just do not know how to handle this. Any opinions on the matter would be greatly appreciated.

[whatisis]

Is there a way maybe you could email your ex and explain that you wish to keep in touch with her mother but will not be discussing her or the divorce in future, I think that may have been your mistake. I can understand her going ballistic if you went over ther to give your side of the story. That's different than just keeping in touch. So, if you want to keep in touch with your in-laws try and set up some boundaries with ex that will keep her happy and keep the R you want alive with in-laws.

[soleil]

But I just realized that with every new relationship I have with women that I date or have fun with I have automatically detached a small part of my heart from them where I would care less if they were to leave me for another. When I realized this it kind of bothered me a bit. I have this new self defense mechanism in me it seems.

Is this normal? Is this healthy? I guess that I have been hurt so much by my XW that I put a little wall up around that small section of my heart so that I will never feel that pain again. I never want to feel like any women owns my heart. Does anybody understand what I am trying to explain?.

This makes total sense. When we get our heart broken by someone, it's natural to feel like you don't ever want to put yourself out there again. At all. And I agree you are not over your XW, which is why the lady told you that. It takes time. You were married and had a relationship with her for a long time. It'd be odd to just "get over it."

And the ones that are in their 40s and have never been married kind of scare me a bit if you know what I mean.

Hmm... I guess I'd never thought about that before. Does anyone else on the board feel that way? Why is it scary to you? I'm curious. Not that it's bad or good IMO, I am just wondering if others feel that way, too or not.

As for your XW, I agree with the above poster... maybe youcan talk to her about what you guys will/will not discuss with everyone. That is too bad she had that reaction toward you. It seems she's quite resentful. Not your problem, though (her resentment). If the fam asks you something about it, maybe you can say XW had told you she prefers you not be in constant communication with them.

Cheer up. I know it's hard but you'll get there. It may not feel like it but you are already moving on.

[g450]

Well my ex-inlaws had many questions and my XW gave them exactly zero info as to why she divorced me. And she also lied about a few major details. They also had no clue about her EA. Yes I may have overstepped my bounds but I felt I had to do it. In the future I will not discuss this as I said my piece. It is done. They have told me that I will always be welcome there.

Strange thing about my in-laws is that they told me that my XW went down there for a weekend at least twice and did not even bother to see her Mother. This may have something to do with her anger as she may have some guy down there that she is messing around with. I do not even want to know at this point.

Regarding 40+ year old women, I have dated a few and some of them really do scare the crap out of me with their issues and past history. Luckily I have learned not to read too much into this as there have been some good dates and I am seeing one now that is genuinly affectionate and honest with me. I have high hopes for her. But I will not let my guard down as she has been married three times before. That is just how I feel.

Thanks for the input folks.