You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[ClingingToHope]

Hey, I'm trying to burn STBXW from my memory ...

Not really, but I've become a media whore.

Check out this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJGrF0B_D5E

[kat727]

I thought you said you didn't make it? I am so confused. At least you had something to drink but I don't think water kills the burn.

kat

[whatisis]

Btw, love your t-shirt and don't let anyone tell you it reads desperate!

[ClingingToHope]

Thanks. Need advice.

Phone just rang. D11 programmed it so each caller has a unique ring. By the ring recording I knew it was a call from STBXW.

She's in S.D. and I don't have the kids ... so I didn't pick up.

As much as I say I don't like her and how the R didn't work, my heart started beating through my chest. Why would she be calling?

When the phone beeped for a voice mail I listened.

Turns out to be a mistake. I heard a garbled voice, a man's voice. Then I heard another voice. Another man's voice. Then I heard STBXW's voice.

She must have butt-dialed because I'm probably at the top of her phone list -- my name starts with A.

I wanted to send her a message saying "hey, you mistakenly called me and I heard you and your boyfriend and I'd appreciate it if I didn't get phone calls like that."

But then I thought what would that help.

And now I'm just really, really down. Damn, my house is made out of twigs. She huffs and puffs and blows my house down.

[Gardener]

CTH,

And now I'm just really, really down. Damn, my house is made out of twigs. She huffs and puffs and blows my house down.

Sorry for the downer. It's good, though that you didn't call.
And perhaps the next time it rings your heart will beat through your chest a little less. And less each time.
Hang in there.

Hey, that's you in that video?

Peace,

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. Me in the video. It was way worse than I imagined it would be.

Gardener, how long did scenarios keep running through your head that, this might happen and then this might happen then this might happen and she'll realize ... ????

Was it all the way up to the end?

Last night swimming with the girls I realized how little I really like STBXW. I just was sooo physically attracted to her and the image of us -- the happy family.

Then today, the phone rings and it can't be about the kids, and boom, downsville.

Although, I must say I'm doing OK 30 minutes later.

[Gardener]

CTH,

Gardener, how long did scenarios keep running through your head that, this might happen and then this might happen then this might happen and she'll realize ... ????

Was it all the way up to the end?

Yes. And for a while after.
And, occasionally, still.

Peace,

[soleil]

Last night swimming with the girls I realized how little I really like STBXW. I just was sooo physically attracted to her and the image of us

CTH, your post SOOO reminded me of something I read the other day that I wanted to share with you (from an advice column):

Carolyn Hax: Like it or not, 'liking' has key role in loving

By Carolyn Hax
Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Dear Carolyn:

Clearly you are big into using "like" instead of "love." You make this substitution all the time. If you ever feel like expounding on it, I'd be curious.

Anonymous

Sure. Have you ever seen "Like never dies" on a movie poster? Heard a song called "Like is all you need"? Known anyone to hang on those three little words "I like you"?

I think it's safe to say that love is never in danger of being dismissed, discounted or taken for granted.

But like is routinely so. It's the consolation prize, the faint praise to be damned with.

Yet while like can endure without love ever having anything to do with it, love takes a beating when like isn't there to support it. Consider what happens when you don't like the way your beloved treats you or others around you -- or when you don't like what Beloved watches on TV or does for a living or uses to fill spare time; or what topics Beloved chooses to discuss, or how; or whom Beloved chooses to befriend or admire; or how much Beloved contributes to the household chores or coffers; or where Beloved pegs certain priorities.

It's very difficult to sustain love under the pressure of daily exposure to behaviors or traits you don't like -- whether this loved one is family, friend or mate. Even if it doesn't die outright, love can quickly become abstract.

Abstractions do have their place. Love in the abstract is what gets us up in the night when a child cries out, when we're desperate for sleep. It's what flies us cross-country to witness our close friend's wedding, knowing full well that said friend will have about 3.7 quality minutes to spend with us amid various hosting obligations. It's what moves us to account for someone else's well-being even when that person isn't present, and even when attending to their needs might force us to compromise our own.

But when it comes to sharing your day-to-day life without wanting to run screaming, a person's expressions, body language, conversation topics, diversions, quirks, tics and attitude with you need to be pleasing on a purely functional level.

And so when it comes to people writing in about practical problems with people they love, that's the first thing I urge them to consider: Do you like this person, fundamentally? Because that's the bed where the abstraction of love can reliably come to lay its head.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/07/20/AR2010072004929.html

[ImprovedRomeo]

CTH, that really sucks and I'm sorry. The thoughts of OM/OW are the worst. See when I'm having those sorts of thoughts I try to remind myself that at some point, hopefully soon, we'll feel the same way we do about our ex gf/s- i.e them being with OM now is not bothersome anymore. I guess it'll take time to get there but we will get there.

Two, it's her decision to choose to be with some loser for her own selfish reasons than be with the father of her kids. That speaks volumes about her character and self-indulgence nature. You're better off without her...even if it's hard to see that right now.

[ClingingToHope]

Soleil, that makes sense on so many levels. I remember back I believe in 2007 when STBXW was being exceptionally frosty she told me at night I was condescending to her and her family and I was only nice to people when I needed something from them.

Forget love. She didn't even like me. I kept soldiering on, looking for fixes that weren't there.

There's so many things now I see she didn't like about me. She didn't like my job -- newspaper reporter. She didn't like how I always wanted to go places and do things with the girls rather than sit around at home. I can go on and on.

On my end, I didn't like how she only wanted to talk about her job and her family. I didn't like how she never wanted to go out and do anything. I didn't like how her job came first over the family and me. I didn't like that she never asked how my day was or come to any of my work or recreational events.

IR, I was having a really good week and then that phone rang and I was shocked at my physical reaction to it. I calmed down pretty quickly after and that's good.

Her trip ends today and then it's back here to reality. I find myself not wanting to talk to her ever. I'm considering contacting the girls' teachers and asking for separate teacher conferences this year. I was uncomfortable last year and I want to be able to ask questions freely without worrying how they'll be interpreted.

I really, really, really want to separate myself from her as much as possible and once I can stomach being around her then draw myself back in. That may be a very long time from now. But I need to not make it obvious for the girls' sake.

I'm soooo glad school is almost back in session. There'll be no need to see her on kid handoffs.