Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[TimeHeals]

She silently disagrees with me.

Neat trick. Like to hear a recording of that. LOL.

Feels like I'm trying to manipulate with her.

Then just "let her go" (basically stop disagreeing with her and how she feels, etc).

I have to learn to STFU.

Yes, sometimes silence is golden... gives others a chance to speak eventually.

And not talk. And invite her to talk.

That's a contradiction. How are you going to "invite" her without talking? Just let her be... whatever she wants.

[FaithnAK]

I feel such utter embarrasment that the one person in the world that I love the most, and want to spend the rest of my life with, has been made to feel like this by me, and me alone. That's painful.

Maybe you should look at it as a huge box with a bow on it just fell out of the sky and landed in your lap??

Seriously, don't be embarrassed, forget the talking and manipulation and realize she finally communicated to you. The medium doesn't matter. Now just work on yourself and give her a chance to see a different you.

Validate her feelings and work on you. If you love her, then just do it without dwelling on the "sting", focus on you never making her feel that way again.

[john28]

I'm still trying to decide how to deal with this internally. It is difficult to process internally, mostly because I feel the pain she's having coupled with my own and it's alot of weight.

Externally however, I know how to deal with this. Knowing is half the battle (Gi JOE!).

The MC called her tonight, and talked to her about 10 minutes and asked her and to come in individually next Wednesday with me (split session). She said that she was OK with that, because she said she would try this and that was what she was doing. (ugh, different words, different moment, roller coaster of words).

The MC called me back about 20 minutes later and asked me how I was doing. I told her that I was doing as expected after reading that email. She told me that I should really read that, listen to the content of that email, take it to heart and think about it (basically what all you said). She also said that there is a way through all of this, and regardless of what happens, we need to improve our relationship. She seemed optimistic somehow. I told her about DB, and how I had read DR, and that I had only applied my knowledge really in the last 4 days and that I pushed W to give an answer to MC, and that was a mistake with only a few good days in a row. She advised me to continue doing the right things, and to take time for myself this week.

After the call, W wanted to know what we talked about, so I told her the truth. I apologized to her for pushing her to give an answer to the MC, and that was a mistake (validating me trying to control her). She responded with something quite enlightening:

"You say this every so many days... Oh honey, I've been trying really hard the past X number of days, don't you see?.... John, I'm getting tired of how you 'realize' something new every so many days."

I responded with, "I see. It is probably me seeking validation from you for 'being good' for X number of days."

She responded with, "You should be changing and becoming the man you want to be for yourself, not me."

Flipping sh*t, she must be in my head. She's nailed me. I know all of this - why am I being so stupid to seek validation?

So tonight I went right back to DB. I told her I was going to make cookies, and I'd like it if she joined me. She seemed thrilled since I rarely do things in the kitchen. We made cookies together, shared some nice flirty moments with physical contact, and then played a game while the cookies baked. When they were done she got a text from a male friend (a guy I know that's a non-threat) asking if she wanted to get a beer (at 10pm). She showed it to me right away. She asked if I would have a problem with her going, and if I was going to "freak out" after today's events. I told her she can make her own decisions (validation), and I would be fine. I made a mistake and told her that I was a little uncomfortable with it, but I would be fine.

I helped her pick out something to wear (being supportive) and then it must have been 4 times before she left that she gave me some of the best, longest kisses that we've had in months. They were very nice, I must admit. Probably to reassure me. She told me again not to worry, told me where she was going, who would be there, and what time she'd be home - sh*t, she even told me she was going to order an Oatmeal Stout! It is probably because we had a discussion on transparency today, and she agreed to talk about it tomorrow and set boundaries and rules for transparency.

It's a freakin roller coaster over here today. I'm going to be happy that this ride ends for today. I'm sure it'll be back again though.

[TimeHeals]

I feel the pain she's having

Umm, no you don't. No psychic abilities allowed.

take time for myself this week.

Good advice.

She responded with, "You should be changing and becoming the man you want to be for yourself, not me."

BINGO

When they were done she got a text from a male friend (a guy I know that's a non-threat) asking if she wanted to get a beer (at 10pm). She showed it to me right away. She asked if I would have a problem with her going, and if I was going to "freak out" after today's events. I told her she can make her own decisions (validation), and I would be fine. I made a mistake and told her that I was a little uncomfortable with it, but I would be fine.

What makes you so sure he's no threat? Just asking because everybody who has dealt with an EA/PA has said that at one point.

[john28]

I know he's not a threat because, well, I know. I just know. He's got a woman of his own, they're from the same hometown, I know the guy, etc. Not a threat.

[Steve McQueen]

I don't want to try nor do I want to want to.

We made cookies together,

When they were done she got a text from a male friend (a guy I know that's a non-threat) asking if she wanted to get a beer (at 10pm).

I helped her pick out something to wear (being supportive)

BAKING THE ULTIMATE COOKIE WITH BETTY CROCKER.

KEEP BAKING IT BETTY!

Words, of advice: Your wife should get herself a full-time job.
It will help with "value" issues.

[Steve McQueen]

So what did you hear?

That her perception (her reality) is that I'm manipulative, controlling, and do not listen. That I'm the same SOB that I was when she told me two months ago that she wanted to leave.

I'm absolutely broken right now knowing this.

Zeroed right in on you, I notice.

What about her? Did this inspire any compassion toward her?
Greek

Thank you for pointing this out to me. I did zero in on the ME factor in my response.

Did this innnspire any compassion? Hell yes. I feel absolutely terrible that she feels this way, more so than I feel hurt by this letter. I see that she feels hurt, lonely, alone and just plain unloved by this email. She is yearning for a man that will listen to her, not contol her, and be there for her.

I just have to be that man.

you still find your self/ego/person in her words.

Compassion is a rather vague word in the English language. After long talks with my wife on this word, I have come to internalize it as a kindness and wishing (more vague words) for the welfare of all living beings and that they may be free from physical and spiritual suffering. There is not a need to relieve or experience another's suffering (duk-ha, if we wish to translate it) but an understanding of their consciousness and that their realities exist for them.

You can be compassionate to a worm, yet be able to do nothing for their experience, other than appreciate (to be yet more vague) that their souls existence has not achieve that of oneself.

If I was to teach you anything about the meaning of that tought, and its relation to your experiences, I would say that to feel compassionate towards another would to be to set them free emotionally and spiritually. And that their experiences and spiritual path are their own to experience. As are yours your own. There is a tought that to love another you must love ones self. To extend this here, to fully understand one's suffering you first need to be compassionate towards yourself. KNOW YOURSELF.

Is that not what your wife wishes to do?

I know I need to value myself rather than seek it from other people.

If I may, "For a moment consider, human beings living in a underground cave since childhood. Their legs and necks chained so that they cannot move. Prisoners. The mouth of their prison opens toward the light and behind them a fire. So, all that they could see would be shadows.

Their reality would be literally nothing but the shadows of what is going on behind their backs.

Now, suppose we were to release these "prisoners" and lead them out of the mouth of the cave. At first, would not, the sun be harsh to their eyes? Painful and irritating. And confusing, as they would not fully understand their new reality and, simultaneously, not be able to see the "realities" of the shadows of their former captivity.

Yet, their eyes will grow accustom to the light. At first, focusing on shadows, then reflections, then objects themselves. Till eventually they would be able to look into the light. The sun.

At that point, they no longer would be able to see in their old habitat but now would be able to contemplate the meaning
of this new existence, which offers more than that of living in darkness.

Certainly. I think that it would better to suffer and experience that which is foreign than to entertain false notions and live in a miserable manner."

[john28]

Words, of advice: Your wife should get herself a full-time job.
It will help with "value" issues.

I agree. She's going to school this semester 3 nights a week. Before when she was going to school this last spring, we had "the best M we've ever had" according to her. Then, golf season started, I became obsessed, and it all went downhill from there.

[Coach]

So tonight I went right back to DB. I told her I was going to make cookies, and I'd like it if she joined me. She seemed thrilled since I rarely do things in the kitchen. We made cookies together, shared some nice flirty moments with physical contact, and then played a game while the cookies baked. When they were done she got a text from a male friend (a guy I know that's a non-threat) asking if she wanted to get a beer (at 10pm). She showed it to me right away. She asked if I would have a problem with her going, and if I was going to "freak out" after today's events. I told her she can make her own decisions (validation), and I would be fine. I made a mistake and told her that I was a little uncomfortable with it, but I would be fine.

I helped her pick out something to wear (being supportive) and then it must have been 4 times before she left that she gave me some of the best, longest kisses that we've had in months. They were very nice, I must admit. Probably to reassure me. She told me again not to worry, told me where she was going, who would be there, and what time she'd be home - sh*t, she even told me she was going to order an Oatmeal Stout! It is probably because we had a discussion on transparency today, and she agreed to talk about it tomorrow and set boundaries and rules for transparency.

It's a freakin roller coaster over here today. I'm going to be happy that this ride ends for today. I'm sure it'll be back again though.

BLECCH!

[john28]

So tonight I went right back to DB. I told her I was going to make cookies, and I'd like it if she joined me. She seemed thrilled since I rarely do things in the kitchen. We made cookies together, shared some nice flirty moments with physical contact, and then played a game while the cookies baked. When they were done she got a text from a male friend (a guy I know that's a non-threat) asking if she wanted to get a beer (at 10pm). She showed it to me right away. She asked if I would have a problem with her going, and if I was going to "freak out" after today's events. I told her she can make her own decisions (validation), and I would be fine. I made a mistake and told her that I was a little uncomfortable with it, but I would be fine.

I helped her pick out something to wear (being supportive) and then it must have been 4 times before she left that she gave me some of the best, longest kisses that we've had in months. They were very nice, I must admit. Probably to reassure me. She told me again not to worry, told me where she was going, who would be there, and what time she'd be home - sh*t, she even told me she was going to order an Oatmeal Stout! It is probably because we had a discussion on transparency today, and she agreed to talk about it tomorrow and set boundaries and rules for transparency.

It's a freakin roller coaster over here today. I'm going to be happy that this ride ends for today. I'm sure it'll be back again though.

BLECCH!

I'm just not sure how to "be there for her" and "spend time with her" without being it's one of the things she spelled out very clearly in the letter to the MC.