Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[john28]

I'm still trying to decide how to deal with this internally. It is difficult to process internally, mostly because I feel the pain she's having coupled with my own and it's alot of weight.

Externally however, I know how to deal with this. Knowing is half the battle (Gi JOE!).

The MC called her tonight, and talked to her about 10 minutes and asked her and to come in individually next Wednesday with me (split session). She said that she was OK with that, because she said she would try this and that was what she was doing. (ugh, different words, different moment, roller coaster of words).

The MC called me back about 20 minutes later and asked me how I was doing. I told her that I was doing as expected after reading that email. She told me that I should really read that, listen to the content of that email, take it to heart and think about it (basically what all you said). She also said that there is a way through all of this, and regardless of what happens, we need to improve our relationship. She seemed optimistic somehow. I told her about DB, and how I had read DR, and that I had only applied my knowledge really in the last 4 days and that I pushed W to give an answer to MC, and that was a mistake with only a few good days in a row. She advised me to continue doing the right things, and to take time for myself this week.

After the call, W wanted to know what we talked about, so I told her the truth. I apologized to her for pushing her to give an answer to the MC, and that was a mistake (validating me trying to control her). She responded with something quite enlightening:

"You say this every so many days... Oh honey, I've been trying really hard the past X number of days, don't you see?.... John, I'm getting tired of how you 'realize' something new every so many days."

I responded with, "I see. It is probably me seeking validation from you for 'being good' for X number of days."

She responded with, "You should be changing and becoming the man you want to be for yourself, not me."

Flipping sh*t, she must be in my head. She's nailed me. I know all of this - why am I being so stupid to seek validation?

So tonight I went right back to DB. I told her I was going to make cookies, and I'd like it if she joined me. She seemed thrilled since I rarely do things in the kitchen. We made cookies together, shared some nice flirty moments with physical contact, and then played a game while the cookies baked. When they were done she got a text from a male friend (a guy I know that's a non-threat) asking if she wanted to get a beer (at 10pm). She showed it to me right away. She asked if I would have a problem with her going, and if I was going to "freak out" after today's events. I told her she can make her own decisions (validation), and I would be fine. I made a mistake and told her that I was a little uncomfortable with it, but I would be fine.

I helped her pick out something to wear (being supportive) and then it must have been 4 times before she left that she gave me some of the best, longest kisses that we've had in months. They were very nice, I must admit. Probably to reassure me. She told me again not to worry, told me where she was going, who would be there, and what time she'd be home - sh*t, she even told me she was going to order an Oatmeal Stout! It is probably because we had a discussion on transparency today, and she agreed to talk about it tomorrow and set boundaries and rules for transparency.

It's a freakin roller coaster over here today. I'm going to be happy that this ride ends for today. I'm sure it'll be back again though.