Surviving the Big D STINKS!

[newmama]

Ok I am guessing that you couldn't wait 2 minutes! Build your stamina, my dear...xxxoooo!

[Mrs. A]

NM, you are SO right. And Mr. A is SUCH a player. I just tried to call him back and he let it go to voicemail.

On his message - which he FINALLY left on the third try to get me - he said this (paraphrased): Hey, I'm not calling you for any nefarious purpose tonight. I just wanted to see if we could go golfing sometime. Oh, and I wanted to tell you that I got a job today. It's a pretty big deal. Ok, well I hope you call me back. Bye!

Now that I write it down, it is so manipulative.

[newmama]

So what did you say on the voicemail? And don't go golfing....he can do that if he wants to be married to you.

Look, I am not anti- R after divorcing; it's just that how can the WAS experience the loss of us and appreciate what we had with them (even with all of our flaws) if they never lose us?

If stbxh came to me in this next year and said he wanted to R, I would say "sorry, I think you aren't strong enough to do the counseling that you need in order for us to be able to recover from the hell you put me through."

Did I say no? Did I say yes? No. I told him what he had to do. (in my imagination, lol!)

[Gardener]

nm,

Does he get text messaging? You could avoid talking to him on the phone by just sending a text "Congratulations!" and leave it be....I know it is hard but remember: all WASs seem to think that we will still be their best friends post D! crazy talk!

I'm with 100% you an both counts.

It is ok for you to let him know that you are happy for him. But please think along the lines of "you divorced me; you can't have me as your best friend anymore if you want to be divorced."

My X asked me to meet her 6 weeks post-divorce. Why? She wanted to be friends. Though, short, I won't go into what I calmly, factually, said, but I ended, simply with, "X, friends don't do the things you've done." And I left.

Peace,

[ClingingToHope]

Gardener was actually pretty harsh -- but I understand where he's coming from.

As I read it, you are still not divorced, the filing was just a couple of months ago and didn't the two of you just dooo the deed a few nights ago.

So there's a lot going on here.

The one thing that sounded strange in the message was the middle part, let's go golfing sometime. Had he not included that then perhaps it would have been a legitimate moment of him reaching out.

By throwing that in -- well, I'm not sure what he was doing.

In my case, with STBXW, I was condescending. I rarely took her advice on anything other than clothing or insurance. She didn't go to college and has a complex about those who did and when I didn't value her opinion, I'm sure it made her feel 2 inches tall.

I see that now and I tried to make amends for months. I apologized in a letter. But still she filed and has never shown ANY wavering so I've given up. So there's no hope for me ... for you? Maybe.

[Mrs. A]

Hi my friends,

I am so sorry for the fire drill last night! I freaked when Mr. A called three times in a row.

I ended up calling him back, as I posted here, and he didn't answer. (I didn't leave a message.) But he called me back a few minutes later and we talked for like 20 minutes.

It was nice and I felt good about it afterwards.

Gardener and NM, you are RIGHT - Mr. A will NEVER understand the terrible effects of his actions if I just pick right up with him. And more importantly than that even is that I will be going back to a state that I was at before all of this happened! No, I've done too much work to regress like that.

TH, thank you for posting. I need to catch up on your thread. Mr. A and I are divorced now, though we were intimate a few days ago. It's feels soooooo complicated, but it's all really kind of silly!

I'm posting this now and then I'm going to journal about 2 things that have been on my mind lately. FYI, I do that because my dumb computer keeps messing up my posts!!!!

[Mrs. A]

First, about the story I posted last night before I was interrupted.

My XMIL and I have never had an easy time of it. We've both tried and it's just been really hard for us to connect. Things seemed to improve slightly after Mr. A and I got married, but it's just been a rough road for the two of us.

Mr. A walked out on me in April 2009. Until September 2009, he was claiming that he was just "sorting things out" and needed more time. I naively took that to mean that he was coming home at some point, and I REALLY wanted that.

Then he blocked me from calling his phone. It had been two weeks since I'd tried to call him (and gotten through), so I was very surprised when I couldn't even reach his voicemail. I had been heavily pursuing from mid-August to mid-September and then I decided to stop. But I was still checking up on him through the internet (facebook, etc.).

So I was technically NC with Mr. A when I found out, early in October, that his step-grandfather died. This was truly a really sad occurrence for me because I really liked Grandpa. Mr. A had never gotten close to his step-family, but I did!

I tried to call Mr. A and that was when I found out I was blocked from calling him. I went to the funeral home anyway to express my condolences. I also had a long talk with my XMIL in the parking lot that night.

Looking back, I am not proud of how I conducted myself that night. In fact, I'm quite ashamed.

A very close relative of mine died in February 2009, which, incidentally, was a major strain on our relationship. But I rationalized attending Grandpa's viewing by telling myself how grateful I was for everyone who attended my aunt's viewing. So if I could go, I should go - because it's never a bad idea to express your condolences.

I have since realized that it IS bad to express your condolences if that takes second stage to whining about your relationship!

[Mrs. A]

Anyway, I looked like hell at the funeral home, made an ass out of myself, and was pretty much inconsolable - so XMIL took me outside to have a talk. Until a few days ago, I'd pretty much been mad (livid) at her since then.

Here's what I heard then:

XMIL: Mr. A was living with us until a few weeks ago. Now I don't know where he's gone. He won't tell me, but you should move on. I think he's trying to meet someone, so you should too. You have to let this go. You guys will both meet someone new, and you'll both be better off.

Me: I really want to get back with him. Please encourage him to save our marriage!

XMIL: Well I guess it's a good thing that he hasn't sought legal counsel.

Me: Promise me that you won't help him divorce me!

XMIL: I promise.

[Mrs. A]

A week later I got an email from Mr. A telling me that he wasn't coming home. I was sure this was XMIL's doing. My suspicions were reinforced by the fact that she DID pay all the fees (lawyer, filing costs) for him to divorce me. In fact, I was totally confounded in March when he told me not to drive up the legal fees because that would only hurt his mother, not him. I was like, who gives a F***? That's exactly what I want to do!!!!!

[Mrs. A]

Now that new information has come to light about Mr. A's torrid affair, I understand that he was living with that stupid bitch when I had that heartfelt conversation with my XMIL. So her NOT disclosing his whereabouts and just insisting that I let things go with him was actually her way of trying to protect me, in a convoluted way!

But learning all this, after 12 long years, I FINALLY have respect for my XMIL. Hard earned, indeed.

I can't believe I was SO wrong!

What's good, what's bad - who knows?

Ok, enough philosophizing!

How's everyone else???