UPDATE: H passed his CRNA boards last week. He wanted to take me to lunch on my bday on friday, and i politely said no. I didnt think it was necessary. He showed up that day and brought lunch to my house from our once favorite restaurant. Could be the 'nice guy' my husband used to be... not necessarily a husband thing to do. He have me a gift and card from the baby (and dog of course) and stayed with me at the house most of the day and night. He was a bit shocked to see that my sisters and mom were coming over and made me a dinner and had a birthday cake for me... did he think that because he left, i was now a dud and wouldnt celebrate? Anyway, since he is not studying 24/7, he has been around more to help with the house, and mostly the baby. We are planning for a christening for October, not sure exactly how this is going to work out. Announcements went out this weekend with both of our names on it. Im sure every one who recieves them will shake their heads and think we are insane. Yeah... that much I know!
So yesterday he came over and sheepishly asked if I would like to be added on to his medical insurance plan and benefits package along with the baby, as he starts his new job next week. Well, one of two things... 1. he is clearly unsure as to what will happen with us 2. he is just owning up to me being his 'baby mama' and trying to make up for what he did to me! and wants to be nice... 'the good guy' .
I should start living the secret. We can attract anything we want, but we can control peoples feelings! so we can wish for love and a husband who loves us to the moon and back and a gorgeous family and it could be with our Hs or new Hs. Wish it was my H! Dont want a new one!
For some reason I have the strangest feeling that H will somehow bring up him moving back home, and i need to be honest and tactful! He mentioned weeks ago after his boards he was moving back home... honestly I do not think it is a good idea unless he plans to work on the marriage. But i would not say it that way. I think I would just say i am adjusting to life as a single mother and me and the baby are doing just fine as we are (and we are). i would need him to struggle to find the words to say to me, i want to try to make things work... but what would be my next step?
Do I say we go to MC first? Actually, he should say it and make the appt. dont you think? and he must must must go to IC. I do not want to take away my time with my son, as I love every minute of it to work on a relationship with him.
i dont know, its putting the cart before the horse, but i want to be prepared. I guess I could always say, let me think about it. Right now I need to absord what you just said to me and I will get back to you? How does that sound... i dont know. i am just thinking in the event of...
I make remarks like my next H, or your next W or us being D and he rolls his eyes and get annoyed at me or says stop. But reality is this could be our life... and if it is, i havent died yet so i think I will be ok.
H started working several days ago, spends all his free time here. Sigh.
H sent me a text message of the very first picture we took together (circa 1998). also said me and the baby are his family... in conversation i said "you should move on", he replied with "dont tell me what to feel or do. you dont know what is going through my head. I dont want to move on. You are my family."
Huh?!?!?!?
So i brought up the photo and said we worked then because we let down our guard and just allowed ourselves to have fun and spend time together and thats when we realized we always wanted to be together... He said "I agree... thats why I sent you the text of it, i love the picture, i didnt want to hurt you by sending it thought it was a good thing." I asked why cant we do that again, he replied "dont want to talk about it right now" he was changing the baby "just not right now" so I dropped it. I am not bringing it up! he should!
