Relocated the family and he dropped the bomb

[TimeHeals]

I followed him upstairs and said -geez I can't remember exactly what came first - but I did say the things about boundaries and how while he feels this has been only inappropriate for 2 months, I have felt it has for 2.5 years... since he told me if I made him choose between her and I he'd choose her. I said I know you don't think she is the main problem in our marriage but for half of our marriage I have felt second to her. ...

Let's look at misteps so you can learn going forward:

since he told me if I made him choose between her and I he'd choose her.

You should have asked him to leave when this happened, IMHO.

The rest of it is you trying to reason with him, and it's not going to work, and the crap things he is feeding you are only rationalizations for doing whatever he wants to do.

Bottom line, he isn't treating you with any respect, and I don't think he can love you until he respects you, so why don't you ask him to move out?

[MM78]

I agree with you, and mistake or not, I told him that exact thing last night. I said I probably should have told you to just go when you said that 2.5 years ago.... honestly though I was either a few weeks or months into a surprise pregnancy at the time and caring for a 15 month baby as well.

He's at work - I'm packing his bag and putting it in his car for tonight (he goes to another state for Board exams) so when he gets home he can just leave and not dwell here. He'll be back for work Friday and I can only assume after that he's heading back 500 miles north. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I'm becoming indifferent. There is only so many times one can hear 'I just don't love you' and continue to fight on. I want my family to work though, I do, but I'm quite discouraged.

[pinhead]

Set your boundaries, let him know what they are, and enforce them. He'll respect that. It may not change what he's going to do, but at least he'll know the consequences.

If I KNEW my W was going to go visit an OM, when she came back, all her stuff would be neatly packed and stuck in the garage. Heck, I might even be so bold as to move it all into a motel room, paid for in advance. When she came home, I'd just hand her the key and say, "Have a nice life."

Don't tolerate crap behaviour. Give yourself the respect you deserve, and demand it from him.

[Coach]

MM78, Your H does not have your or the family's best interests in mind right now. You have to take the lead on being prepared.

Have you seen a L to know where you stand?

Do you have access to money in your name only?

Do you have a support network?

Have you read up on exposure?

Do you really understand boundaries?

Are you taking care of yourself - physically, mentally, emotionally and spirtually?

Don't ask a WAS to decide anything, you decide for yourself what is best and take the appropiate action. Goals - Plan- Action. Think don't react (emotion).

No matter what happens make your mind up to come out of this a wiser, stronger, healthier and better woman. Thrive don't survive. You can handle it.

Cheers

[TimeHeals]

If you agree with this, then it's time to turn this around and put the focus on you and what you want your life to be like.

I would start by saying something like this when you ask him to leave:

"I realize there is absolutely no chance of having the kind of marriage I want if you are going to be seeing other women, so you should leave. This isn't about you; it's about what I want.

And I would visit and retain an attorney if I were you because you may have to force him out.

[MM78]

Have you seen a L to know where you stand?

No i have not taken this step. Since we have not been in the new state for 6 months, I believe I have to call someone from our home state. I have no idea about this though. My mom has the name of a tough one back in home city though.

Do you have access to money in your name only?

He is the MD but my degree is in Finance, so I actually handle all the money. He has no idea what our ING account number or passwords are to get to most of our savings. The only money in my name only is my 401k. His pay is deposited into our joint account and I divvy up 'allowances' to each of our own accounts for our debit cards.

Do you have a support network?

In the new city I have only one friend. Back at home i have a huge network that I keep in touch with online and a few via phone. Being a resident's wife I have been alone most of the past 5 years and have been lucky to cultivate several close friendships over that time. Not only are my friends supportive, but luckily so are their husbands, so I've had many offers of places to stay... 500 miles away. My parents also support me in anything I want and want me to be happy, but they do not give advice, just listen.

Have you read up on exposure?

Do you really understand boundaries?

Haven't really read much about exposure. I have considered talking to the resident director and/or other attendings wives for 'advice' but also because they could make her life miserable, but I decided I shouldn't add more drama to my life so I never took that route.

I did read the whole thread on boundaries. I was prepared for him to ask me and the girls to go home for a few weeks after his test and I was going to say no and have a boundary speech and tell him NC with OW or he needs to find another place to stay. Last night him telling me HE was going up there for the weekend caught me off guard. I know I said too much, but I'm still surprised how calm I was and now I'm not too rattled even today. I think I'm getting fed up. I love my husband, not this a-hole that lives here right now. I'm wondering if this a-hole is the new him here to stay or if it's just a stage. I can ride out a long stage (even years) if I knew it was temporary, but I don't want to be married to an a-hole that doesn't respect me and let my daughters think that is acceptable. I might not have much strength for me, but when I think of it in terms of taking care of their mommy, I know I can do it for them. Living on my own wouldn't be much different that my life the past 5 years. Anyone will tell you I've done it all on my own while he just went to work. I just thought that we were just 'getting by' because surgery residency is brutal. I expected it to take a toll on things, I didn't expect it to leave us this broken or dealing with the topic of OW.

Are you taking care of yourself - physically, mentally, emotionally and spirtually?

I'm trying. I went from the not eating to eating cookie dough at night I haven't joined the Y yet because I don't know when or if I'm heading back 'home'. I suppose that is an excuse and I need to get off my ass and work out. Since coming here and feeling a bit better I have been laughing more at tv and enjoying my peaceful time after the kids are in bed.

I'm not sure if I'm heading back home for a visit with my family or staying here this weekend. Right now I feel strong and like it wouldn't bother me to be alone, but I'm afraid in the middle of the lonely weekend the emotion could overcome me and I'm still responsible for two little ones.

[MM78]

Well yesterday was a disaster. I kept thinking 'do not say that' but I said it all anyway. He got home from work and I would love to know how to keep my body calm. I was pretty good all day, but the second he walks in my heart starts racing, I get short of breath and all stressed.

Anyway, in the 20 min he was here before he left to go to another state I did everything wrong - asked if he had a decision, asked if I should retain a lawyer, asked if he was planning on staying with OW, asked if he planned to cross a physical line with her, asked what I was supposed to do this weekend, asked him to respect me......

At that moment when the topic of respect came out of my mouth I realized I am not currently married to my husband, but I am married to my father-in-law. He's been turning to alchohol and tobacco to soothe, just like his father. He has said he didn't want to be his father and here he is. And I'm playing the role of his mother. I feel like in a way the person who he is now is a train that I couldn't stop from coming - there are generations of this in his family - but I know I can get my kids out of the way of the destruction. My H and his 3 siblings have all suffered terribly due to his father and their parents marriage. (One sibling took his life 5 years ago.)

After he left I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I should drive the 9 hrs home for the long weekend to be with my family. I decided not to. I am going to be a strong mother and my daughters don't need more disruption. My H can go on his mission to do whatever he wants, but I am going to be a mom and take care of my kids and myself. I went to the Y today to inquire about joining and might go sign up tomorrow.

I realized that I need to let go - let him figure out what he needs and who is he. I will not be married to him if he is going to be his father. I only wish to be married to the man I married, not this version. The plan is to focus on me and my kids. After talking to my best friend, I realized that I have confidence in every aspect of my life (my education, my tenacity, etc.) except my appearance. I haven't taken care of myself since I had my first daughter, and just prior to that I gained 25 lbs from emotional eating after my BIL's suicide. I need to focus on me.

So H is heading 'home' this weekend to see if there is any connection with OW or if he is going to cut her off. If he comes home and they continue contact I am going to ask him to find another place to live by Sept 30. I will stay here for the duration of the lease as a SAHM and use that time to work on myself, and after the new year will start looking for a job back at home.

If he comes back and says he cut off contact, I'm not sure what to do. I had set a boundary that if he went up to see her he needed to find another place to live. What do I do if he sees her but then shuts it all down and decides to have NC? It is technically against my boundary if he continues to stay here, but it would mean he wants to work on things with us (eventually anyway). I say eventually because I think he is in a very bad place with himself, and I am fine with putting our R problems on hold to each work on ourselves for a while, as long as i know he is committed in the long run to working on us.

I feel like I can't tell him not to go because, well he can just get in his car anyway, but mostly due to the fact that I do need to just 'let him go' and if I put an artificial ending on their relationship, it is an artificial beginning for us. It would not do anything for us unless he feels HE has made the decision to remove her from his life.

Thank you to everyone who has responded and who posts here. Reading your posts and responses has strengthened me immeasureably in such a short time and given me such clarity. I wish we could just have a happy little family, but I am trying to find the value in going through this journey and grow from it all on my own - for myself, and for my daughters.

[MM78]

For full disclosure I wanted to add I did text last night see if he got to the hotel safe. He said he was there and it was in a bad neighborhood. I just wrote 'stay safe, good luck' and he wrote 'thank you' and I did not respond after that.

Tonight after his nap (after the test) he came down and asked what our dinner plans were and I said I don't know. I wanted to go out to buy a candle with the kids and he suggested we all go together to the mall so I could get my candle, he could look for a movie and we could all eat dinner. So that is what we didn. He wasn't talkative when I asked about the test or when the next exam is so I dropped it and went back to talking to my daughters.

[MM78]

I'd love to get some feedback. He is at work now, I do'nt think he is even coming in the house after work but I'll know he left for his trip home when his car is gone. I'm feeling ok, I have plans for me and the kids this weekend and we are going to have fun. I believe he is going to probably stay with the OW because if he leaves here at 6pm and gets there at 2am I can't figure out where else he would go.

[Coach]

I believe he is going to probably stay with the OW because if he leaves here at 6pm and gets there at 2am I can't figure out where else he would go.

Is it acceptable that your husband and the father of your children is spending the night away from his family and you don't know where he is? Can you verify if he spends the night with OW?

You get your kids to call at 6:00 am on Sat.