Relocated the family and he dropped the bomb

[MM78]

Well yesterday was a disaster. I kept thinking 'do not say that' but I said it all anyway. He got home from work and I would love to know how to keep my body calm. I was pretty good all day, but the second he walks in my heart starts racing, I get short of breath and all stressed.

Anyway, in the 20 min he was here before he left to go to another state I did everything wrong - asked if he had a decision, asked if I should retain a lawyer, asked if he was planning on staying with OW, asked if he planned to cross a physical line with her, asked what I was supposed to do this weekend, asked him to respect me......

At that moment when the topic of respect came out of my mouth I realized I am not currently married to my husband, but I am married to my father-in-law. He's been turning to alchohol and tobacco to soothe, just like his father. He has said he didn't want to be his father and here he is. And I'm playing the role of his mother. I feel like in a way the person who he is now is a train that I couldn't stop from coming - there are generations of this in his family - but I know I can get my kids out of the way of the destruction. My H and his 3 siblings have all suffered terribly due to his father and their parents marriage. (One sibling took his life 5 years ago.)

After he left I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I should drive the 9 hrs home for the long weekend to be with my family. I decided not to. I am going to be a strong mother and my daughters don't need more disruption. My H can go on his mission to do whatever he wants, but I am going to be a mom and take care of my kids and myself. I went to the Y today to inquire about joining and might go sign up tomorrow.

I realized that I need to let go - let him figure out what he needs and who is he. I will not be married to him if he is going to be his father. I only wish to be married to the man I married, not this version. The plan is to focus on me and my kids. After talking to my best friend, I realized that I have confidence in every aspect of my life (my education, my tenacity, etc.) except my appearance. I haven't taken care of myself since I had my first daughter, and just prior to that I gained 25 lbs from emotional eating after my BIL's suicide. I need to focus on me.

So H is heading 'home' this weekend to see if there is any connection with OW or if he is going to cut her off. If he comes home and they continue contact I am going to ask him to find another place to live by Sept 30. I will stay here for the duration of the lease as a SAHM and use that time to work on myself, and after the new year will start looking for a job back at home.

If he comes back and says he cut off contact, I'm not sure what to do. I had set a boundary that if he went up to see her he needed to find another place to live. What do I do if he sees her but then shuts it all down and decides to have NC? It is technically against my boundary if he continues to stay here, but it would mean he wants to work on things with us (eventually anyway). I say eventually because I think he is in a very bad place with himself, and I am fine with putting our R problems on hold to each work on ourselves for a while, as long as i know he is committed in the long run to working on us.

I feel like I can't tell him not to go because, well he can just get in his car anyway, but mostly due to the fact that I do need to just 'let him go' and if I put an artificial ending on their relationship, it is an artificial beginning for us. It would not do anything for us unless he feels HE has made the decision to remove her from his life.

Thank you to everyone who has responded and who posts here. Reading your posts and responses has strengthened me immeasureably in such a short time and given me such clarity. I wish we could just have a happy little family, but I am trying to find the value in going through this journey and grow from it all on my own - for myself, and for my daughters.