My husband's emotional affair

[Allen A]

ok

First thing you need to change is STOP listening to what he's saying...you are typing it all out here like you believe it.

Don't

Listen to what he's DOING ONLY.

Men are VERY good at saying one thing to make you believe them while they do the exact opposite :

He also keeps saying he really wants to fix this and make it right. He keeps saying he "really wants to be the man I deserve". He keeps telling me that I am an "amazing wife and person" and that he's "incredibly lucky to have me" and that he "knows he has taken me for granted over the years", and that he's "very sorry" for that.

What are his ACTIONS tell you his attitude is towards you?

He's trolling facebook and flirting with other women in the aftermath of an AFFAIR?

Seriously? You honeslty believe what he's saying?

To be fair, he said he justified it while it was happening by believing it was "harmless". He wasn't saying he still thinks it was harmless. He said last night that he does in fact know now that it IS and WAS harmful. And he kept saying "it was so stupid and pointless" and "I can't really understand why I did it because it wasn't real, it wasn't anything I actually wanted, and it wasn't ever worth what it's done to you/us."

If he is willing to own the damage then he has to be willing to do the work to repair it - WITHOUT ARGUING about it

I think this is your biggest problem is that you present these boundaries and he tries to argue with you...

Just tell them you need this and invite him to cooperate. If he refuses you tell him "OK" and you start packing his things and show him the door.

He isn't taking yoru boundaries seriously becuase YOU don't.

You have made your boundaries clear but he keeps arguing about them and humming and hawing and you get more upset...

Just show him you mean business so he takes you SERIOUSLY..

Sorry, but i don't buy a word he's saying to you... he's a good talker, but what he's DOING is saying something much louder and much more offensive.

Put a list of boundaries up here so we can help you make them clear...

But you need to be prepared to back these up if he crosses them...

Did you know FaceBook is THE NUMBER ONE software product used to conduct affairs today on the internet?

If you want my advice

a. All accounts, usernames, and passwords are turned over to you - no argument
b. He closes his facebook account - no argument
c. He starts reading you assign to him daily - 25 pp a day - no argument

etc

If he refuses this stuff, go out, get some boxes and start packing his things... do NOT argue with him - ACT to show him you are serious...

This is the thing is that TALK is CHEAP... if he thinks all you will do is nag him when he crosses a boundary he's going to keep doing it... seriosly...

Violation of Boundary -> Panic Attack -> Promise to never do it again ->
^^^
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That cycle never ENDS

he is gonna keep doing it and doing it until you break the cycle and do something to show him you are serious

You may want to add a boundary about his buddy too

a. Assert yourself with friends who encourage you to exit the marriage - ask them to STOP the negativity or LEAVE

You CAN make that a boundary.. If he says no... start packing him up

[justpeachy]

Here I am a month and a half after my last post... and I found out Saturday morning that he had been talking to her again. I discovered that he used his work phone to call her a week before (while I was in Vegas for my best friend's bachelorette). He confessed that he called her and they played the video game they used to play together. He also confessed that he had opened a secret email account to communicate with her.

I feel like I'm right back to day zero, although perhaps worse in some ways. I don't feel like I can believe anything that comes out of his mouth anymore. He's away for training for work, today and tomorrow, and when he got to the hotel and called me, I found myself asking him all kinds of questions, and trying to make sure everything made sense, and Googling the class to be sure it was real. On the one hand it felt like an "over-reaction", but on the other hand, I know that he has obliterated all of my trust in him, and it's natural for me not to believe anything he says until he proves to me that I can trust him, by showing me proof that his words are true.

I'm trying not to read much into any of this (because I know that these things alone mean nothing)... But Saturday night he finally picked up "Not Just Friends" and started reading it. He also took the initiative to write a No Contact letter to her Monday morning, emailed it to me for review (and incorporated a couple of suggestions I made), and then BCC'd me on the email so I knew it was sent. That night, he opened the "secret" email account in front of me, and we permanently deleted it together. (Of course, I know he could easily create a new one).

I've also decided that it's time to fire our MC. She's been useless. We'll probably go for one or two more sessions. But I'm already calling around, trying to find someone else. We really need someone who is willing to confront the infidelity, instead of wanting to talk about all of the other "problems" in the marriage instead. Even my husband agrees that she is not helping at all, and he says he fully supports finding someone who will help us tackle the infidelity directly. The trick is finding somebody.