Standing tall for myself--forever & ever, amen.

[beingreal]

Omg... hey gr8!! I popped over to your stitch to catch up really quick, I'm so glad you came looking for me! Thank you!



I haven't been posting much, I've been in a weird spot & I'm not sure I really belong here anymore. Although I love it here & the people have literally pulled me through, I can't imagine where I'd be if it weren't for the friends I've made here.



Let me try to update everyone really quick...


H & I got into a deep R talk--not by my choice, but I did engage when he started. Mistake #1.

Out of nowhere he asked me, "what do you want to do with this marriage? Are we getting divorced or what?" Pretty hard to ignore that one...

So I told him that it didn't matter to me right now whether there was signed paperwork, and I was willing to hold off if it meant that he could stay on my insurance & get more money for grants & loans for when he went back to college. That answer was apparently NOT what he was looking for. It was the only one I had, though.

He ended up saying, "Tell me you don't love me anymore. Just tell me you don't love me & you don't want to be married anymore & I'll go away." I told him that I couldn't tell him I didn't love him because I did love him--it was never an issue of loving him. But I don't want to be married to him. I wasn't lying, I really don't want to be married anymore. I will always love him, but not the way I'm to love a husband. Not the way I want to love a husband, nor the way I want to be loved.

I was speaking to a couple of male friends, (my "advisory panel" I call them lol) and they told me that I was W-R-O-N-G in telling him that I loved him still, even though it's not *that* way. In his male, MLC brain all he heard was, "I love you". They said the only way to help him right now is to make a clean break and let him heal. That loving him, but not as a husband is the same as not loving him. So the next time he asks me if I love him, I'm supposed to say "no, I don't".

The whole thing just makes me sad. I hate the thought that I'm hurting him even more. We've both been through so much pain already, neither of us deserve anymore.

So last night I started working on some of the paperwork & worksheets online to get the dissolution started. I emailed him & told him that I'd like to talk about some of the things that we need to work out so we can decide what's best for the kids. I found that we can write it into our settlement that he stay on my insurance for a set amount of time, so that is good. I hope he takes me up on that offer--if he is serious about finally getting the help he needs for his issues, then the last thing I want to do is yank away his means to do so. I want him to be healthy if he decides to take that step. I don't want this to hinder him.

I don't think that is being controlling--I'm only making the offer, it doesn't cost me a dime extra so it's not like I'm playing the hero here. It's there if he wants it, it's up to him if he uses it.

I'm not being a b!tch, I'm not being cruel, I'm not being manipulative. I'm just trying to make this as easy as it could possibly be for everyone involved. I don't expect him to just lay down & agree with everything I suggest. I don't expect him to do anything actually. I'm just doing what is right for the kids and for me without a trace of bitterness of vindictiveness.

I keep reading about doing everything in love, hard to imagine, but I've started things along for just that reason.

We all have to do what we have to do. I feel it's best for the kids & for me if we can just move forward.

I pray H finds his way. I wish he could see just how much I care about him & how I want nothing but good things for him.

If anyone read my column... I really harbor no grudges towards him. I don't hold anything in our past against him. I really have erased the scores. I didn't think it was possible when I started here, but I'm living proof...

Forgiveness will set you free.