I read this whole thread and also wanted to throw out there that my IL sitch sounds eerily similar.
i'm glad you found this thread now while the page count is still relatively low. my main thread in 'separated' is around 56 pages long. way too much to read.
Quote:
I'm realizing now I've been trying to overlook his lack of emotional development for many, many years. And now it's coming back to bite me. I want to believe he can and will "grow up". He keeps saying he wants to. But I don't know what I can believe anymore, or even if I should. Or even if he can.
i couldn't agree with you more. i'm guilty of overlooking the lack of emotional development - i chalked it up to him being a guy. there are glimpses of an adult inside my h that wants to come out. he has vented a few times to me about his parents but he's rarely confronts them about the issues he has with them. he has a good head on his shoulders. he has tried to stand up to his parents but i think the delivery needs polishing. and it will only get polished with practise. but when his mother cries, it discourages him from trying again because it might take 5 or even 10 tries to get it right.
i understand there is also a lot of fear in my h. my ILs constantly talk about how they will die. so can you imagine if h finally tried to confront his parents about something, and then they die. he will be left with a lot of guilt for the rest of his life. his last memory with mom or dad will be negative and maybe my confrontation put him/her over the edge. i would feel the exact same way. and i totally understand that. maybe it's the lesson in compassion that i am learning .. i'm not justifying his behaviour. but i understand where he is coming from. i can't change the past. his parents have already raised him. i can only look forward and deal with the present and future.
Quote:
I could seriously go on for days about the IL's. The guilt trips. The anxiety disorders. The co-dependency. The "us vs. them" mentality (meaning, in the IL's minds: IL's and sons VS everyone else). The emotionally weak/whiny/fragile mother and the domineering/stubborn/overly-paternal father.
i made a promise not to talk about my ILs at length. it's not healthy for me. and it's looking back and not forward. i am on strict rules to not focus on them and only on me. it is the only way to heal me. it works and i can't undo all of the work that i did for me.
all i can say is, you are not alone. i have not seen any posts of yours in newcomers. i will be trolling your thread to see what allen a has to say. i know it applies to me too.
my big question is .. how do you get your h to put on his big boy pants if you cannot control his behavior? i can't force my h to go ft. just like you can't make an alcoholic go to rehab if they don't think they have a problem.
for years, i've tried to model a good relationship with parents. my mom and i have a pretty good relationship. she is not afraid to let me fall down or make mistakes. she knows i have the skills to get back on my feet. i know my mom is hurting a great deal. the one thing she has yet to teach me is how to take care of a child. you can't really do it when you don't have a child of your own. she tells me that she wants to live long enough to see me have children. even though she has eight grandchildren already but she would love to see me have a child. i get teary talking like this. must stop.
way too much to read.
