Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

Saw my psychatric NP last night, she added another medication to my drug panel. The ADs I'm on only work on serotonin levels and receptors, so she's adding Wellbutrin which works on dopamine levels. I'm to try that for a month and see if that is able to break the fierce hold depression has on me. So now I'm on three meds for depression, four if you count the one to help me sleep at night.

Saw my psychiatrist right after, that went fine I guess. I see her next week and she wants me to get out and do something out of the house this weekend like take a walk or something. She said I have anhedonia, where nothing brings me pleasure. I'm bored at home, I'm bored when I'm not home. I just want to sit home on the computer, which even that can bore me.

I am feeling restless, like I want to move or work on a home improvement project. This apartment isn't home, it never has been. And I'm bored with it, along with everything else in my life. I've done all that I can here as far as decorating or improving things. Logically I know that waiting it out, working on saving money and working on improving my credit over the next year will be in my best interest. I just want a place that's mine, though. With a yard I can plant flowers in, a yard where DS can play without piles of dog crap everywhere. A place where I don't have to ask permission to paint the walls or put down a new floor if I want, where I can have a table and chair set outside to sit in during the evenings watching DS play in the yard. I miss the house I had with H. I miss working on the home improvement projects that house so desperately needed. I wish so much that I had been able to somehow afford to keep the house myself instead of being forced into selling. That house is home to me.

My mom knows a person who is trying to sell her house, it was bought when she was with her now ex-husband. She's ready to sell, wants that part of her life over with because she's with a new guy, she's locked into a contract with a realtor until January when she'll reassess things if the house hasn't sold. I told my mom to let her know I'd be interested in either renting or renting to own if it's still available come January. I can see me and DS living in that house, but with my crappy credit and lack of savings there's no way I could outright try to buy it. I could barely afford it at half the asking price, no way could I manage full asking price.