Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[john28]

So what did you hear?

That her perception (her reality) is that I'm manipulative, controlling, and do not listen. That I'm the same SOB that I was when she told me two months ago that she wanted to leave.

I'm absolutely broken right now knowing this.

[Coach]

Do you understand why she feels that way?

What work do you need to do?


Most guys would kill to have a letter like that, it's gold if you can see the value in it. Why be broken, it's how she feels and you need to own up to whatever is vaild in there. I understand it stings, your woman is communicating with you make sure you listen, validate and man up.

[Greek]

So what did you hear?

That her perception (her reality) is that I'm manipulative, controlling, and do not listen. That I'm the same SOB that I was when she told me two months ago that she wanted to leave.

I'm absolutely broken right now knowing this.

Zeroed right in on you, I notice.

What about her? Did this inspire any compassion toward her?
Greek

[FaithnAK]

This is one of those moments where you get yourself up off the ground, brush yourself off, and proceed forward.

She's made herself pretty clear on how she feels. You need to read what she is telling you and understand how SHE feels. She even says she loves you and gave you a list. That's money right there.(I'd give my right arm for that from my W right now)

Please don't read anything into this more than you now have a blueprint on EXACTLY what to improve on in your relationship with her. Validate and back off.

[FaithnAK]

So look, what I think you need to clearly see here is that separation is not marriage ending, it is an opportunity to step up to the plate. It is an opportunity to show her that you are not simply self absorbed and the kind of guy that will do the woe is me thing because your marriage is struggling.

Now is the time for you to be a champion, a knight in shining armor so to speak. It is a time for you to show your wife what she means to you and that you have the ability to step up and carry her while she is in a weakened state.

So answer these simple questions Rob....

1. Do you understand that this is hurting her inside just as much as it is hurting you?

2. Do you understand that she has feelings and it is not simply a "hey I dont like you anymore so go away" type of thing that causes separation in marriage?

3. Are you capable of letting go of the selfish nature of men and instead of looking at this as a how could she do this to me ordeal, looking at it as an opportunity for personal growth and to strengthen your marriage by being the man that she needs you to be?

Many men in this situation tend to lose their focus on what this is all about and they for some reason loose all capability of empathy for the woman that they love. They believe that they have been hurt and abandoned. Well, reality is that your wife probably felt that way for many months before coming to a point of walking out. She probably felt the way that you do right now with the only difference being that she had to just keep living with it every day until she simply couldn't take anymore. In other words, this situation did not start the day she dropped the bomb Rob, it started long ago when the two of you forget that a marriage needs tending to and is not just going to be fine with no work put into it.

This might not completely apply to you, but you can read it hopefully this helps

[john28]

So what did you hear?

That her perception (her reality) is that I'm manipulative, controlling, and do not listen. That I'm the same SOB that I was when she told me two months ago that she wanted to leave.

I'm absolutely broken right now knowing this.

Zeroed right in on you, I notice.

What about her? Did this inspire any compassion toward her?
Greek

Thank you for pointing this out to me. I did zero in on the ME factor in my response.

Did this innnspire any compassion? Hell yes. I feel absolutely terrible that she feels this way, more so than I feel hurt by this letter. I see that she feels hurt, lonely, alone and just plain unloved by this email. She is yearning for a man that will listen to her, not contol her, and be there for her.

I just have to be that man.

[john28]

Do you understand why she feels that way?

Yes. She feels that way because I am that way. She feels controlled now because I haven't stopped talking about the R trying to convince her not to leave. That's manipulation no matter how I spin it.

What work do you need to do?

Man up. Be that knight. Stop worrying about outcomes. Just be the best g'damn man I cann be. Stop trying to fix her, just be there for her and validate.

Most guys would kill to have a letter like that, it's gold if you can see the value in it. Why be broken, it's how she feels and you need to own up to whatever is vaild in there. I understand it stings, your woman is communicating with you make sure you listen, validate and man up.

Truth be told, I know she has said these things in the past to me, but when she wrote them out they never really had value until now in my heart. I just kept on doing whatver I was doing. More of the same. Time to 180, again.

[PMA_Baby!]

Well YOU know what YOU need to do so DO IT.

Make a list of RULES for yourself.

Take ownership for what you have done, then change it, then DO IT. NO MORE TALK or PROMISES.

Once you have made your changes and have owned your part. YOU need to show STRENGTH by telling her you have apologized and are working on your stuff BUT she needs to OWN hers. NO ONE forced her to CHEAT. 1x 2x....How many times did she ask to go to MC before she cheated?? 2 wrongs do not make a right. I see her at least acknowledging she hurt you, but still she needs to agree not to betray your trust again or it will NEVER work.

I would suggest you GAL, PMA and do your own thing. Be nice. Respectful, present with your son and go find yourself. The worst thing YOU can do is to continue to follow her around like a puppy dog. No offense Puppy

PMA

[Ready2Change]

Just read the words in bold:

At the end of our last session on Monday you asked me to figure out if I "want to want to try" my immediate reaction is no, I do not. But I know I need to be sure about this and I'm not.

Throughout our marriage my husband didn't listen to me. He controlled me, and he didn't value my input or opinions. He recklessly spent our money, didn't spend time with me, and neglected our son. I in turn found comfort in talking to men who I thought valued me. I know that was incredibly hurtful and wrong. I know I need to value myself rather than seek it from other people. I'm working on valuing myself by going back to school and being the best mother I can be.

Since the day I told John I was ready to leave he has tried his hardest to fix these things but he still doesn't listen, tries to control me, and doesn't value my input or opinion. He has also tries to manipulate me and force me to stay. I know these actions are out of desperation and fear. I also know that I let him treat me this way throughout our marriage because I didn't have the tools or words to convey that these actions needed to stop, although I did try.

At this point in our relationship I love him

Go back and read the words in red.


I would like to strongly suggest that you learn to LISTEN. This is an easy skill. It is kinda like watching TV....As she is speaking, you look into her eyes with your full attention, enjoy what you are seeing, and focus on remembering every word she says....THAT IS WHAT SHE FINDS ATTRACTIVE in these other men....BE ATTRACTIVE.

Validation is another skill that you can practice while listening....

[john28]

My problem has always been that even if i try to listen, she rarely talks. She silently disagrees with me. Feels like I'm trying to manipulate with her.

That email is the first time she's actually spelled out exactly how she feels to me. She never talks ever about this stuff - she just tries to ignore it and avoid it. Not even in MC does she talk. Unfortunately, I'm not built like that.

So, even if I do become a good listener I have to learn to STFU. And not talk. And invite her to talk. And not talk.

I've read that email probably 200 times now. I feel such utter embarrasment that the one person in the world that I love the most, and want to spend the rest of my life with, has been made to feel like this by me, and me alone. That's painful.