Newcomer here - My story

[M-Jo]

Things were great all through dating and the first year and a half of marriage. Around September of 2009 I found out she was having a PA (I found out from text messages on her phone). She told me her affair was over and we talked about it and tried to deal with it (alone and through counseling) for about 3 weeks and she decided she wanted to be separated. We continued counseling and after about a month things started to get better between us. Neither of us thought that came from counseling (most sessions were blame games), just gained some perspective from our time apart. Since she was just staying at friends houses during our separation, she stayed at our apt one weekend while I went to my camp. When I returned early on Sunday morning, she was still asleep and when I looked at her phone I discovered she was still involved with OM. I was crushed and basically kicked her out. Over the next few weeks we continued to have conversations about our relationship and she again assured me she was done with the affair and she wanted to work on our marriage. We each agreed to do things differently (she was an alcoholic and decided to quit drinking) and work on our marriage. She moved back home. It seemed to me that things were great for the next six months. I felt closer and stronger than before. Then, out of the blue, she told me she was unhappy, felt like she couldn't do anything on her own or contribute to our family, ILYBNILWY, she had lost her identity and didn't know who she was anymore, and she said since it seems like she was mostly unhappy at home she needed to leave. She started to pack her things and left that night. I was completely blindsided. Neither of us has filed for divorce, but she has made it clear she wants one. After some time, she told me other things like "I haven't forgiven myself for all of the detrimental things I have done to our marriage and I can't move forward until I do" and "I can't even think about trying us again until I know I can be the wife I need to be". From her words and actions I don't think she is still involved with OM, but I know better than to believe her.

It sounds somewhat like a MLC to me (she goes out alot more, new hairstyle and clothes, trying to figure out "who she is", she says I was a good husband and there is nothing I can do to make her feel any different), but we are rather young and childless so I don't know if MLC is the right term for it, maybe identity crisis? She never really had any complaints about me. After some time I figured there were quite a few things I could have done differently and possibly led to her unhappiness, so those are the things I have been working on.

We haven't really talked or seen each other for about three weeks now. Last time we spoke we went for coffee and were there for a couple of hours and had a great time. It was the first time we spoke and I didn't speak about our relationship. The next week I asked her to go to dinner with me and she agreed, but canceled later due to "a physically and emotionally draining week" and she would have been "bad company". I tried again the next week, but we couldn't work out a day we were both free. It has been about a week and I haven't asked again as I don't want to pursue or be pushy.

It has been a hard three months. I have done well doing 180s on the things I could, even though she isn't around to notice. I have also been eating better and exercise and it has really been good for me. I lost a good bit of weight and have much more confidence in myself.