Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[john28]

Everyone here, please learn from my mistakes.

My mistake was I got too impatient and jumped the gun on asking her to make a decision with the MC, and essentially our M and moving forward. I feel like I've only been DB'ing for about 4 days now totally 100%, and I felt like I was doing great. Things were awesome! Unfortunately, 4 days isn't enough for someone to change their way of thinking. Hence, I give you the email below.

I spoke to her about it. She was clear that she felt this way right now, but wasn't sure if that's how she felt. Her feelings are always fluid. I asked her if she was going to give me a shot, and she said, "I'm giving you a shot right now." She said that she doesn't want to talk about it right now, but she is staying.

So, I'm embarrassed beyond belief by this sh*t below. Totally. And, I feel like crap that she feels like this, but in the interest of understanding and to better myself and others, I present it to you. I warn you, it's painful. Please help me.

At the end of our last session on Monday you asked me to figure out if I "want to want to try" my immediate reaction is no, I do not. But I know I need to be sure about this and I'm not.

Throughout our marriage my husband didn't listen to me. He controlled me, and he didn't value my input or opinions. He recklessly spent our money, didn't spend time with me, and neglected our son. I in turn found comfort in talking to men who I thought valued me. I know that was incredibly hurtful and wrong. I know I need to value myself rather than seek it from other people. I'm working on valuing myself by going back to school and being the best mother I can be.

Since the day I told John I was ready to leave he has tried his hardest to fix these things but he still doesn't listen, tries to control me, and doesn't value my input or opinion. He has also tries to manipulate me and force me to stay. I know these actions are out of desperation and fear. I also know that I let him treat me this way throughout our marriage because I didn't have the tools or words to convey that these actions needed to stop, although I did try.

At this point in our relationship I love him but I don't really like him and I am incredibly tired, defeated, and unfortunately resentful. I don't want to try nor do I want to want to.

I have a hard time putting into words how I feel. My feelings are also very fluid and changing that it's hard to nail down exactly what I want to say. Especially in a counseling session and especially when I allow John to speak for me and feel misrepresented. Often when I challenge what he says he chalks the misrepresentation up to semantics. It's all very frustrating to me and I leave feeling angry. I know I need to speak up.

John would like to make another appointment to work on our marriage. I feel that I would be happiest to move out and start my life free of manipulation and temptation.

I'm not sure what our next step should be.

Thanks,
W