Standing tall for myself--forever & ever, amen.

[beingreal]

of being so true to who YOU are that it does not make a fu*king difference what I, Grit, Cat or anyone else on these boards think.

I've got half of that equation down in that I don't care what people think of me. No offense. I stopped doing that a long time ago. At 5'11", you don't have red hair & wear tinkerbell scrubs to the grocery store or write a freaking column for the newspaper if you really care what other people think of you.

Seriously. No smoke.


I know why I don't trust, and I know *why* the first wall went up. And no Pink Floyd... they were putting more bricks in the wall. Not what I need. So if we both know why--are you really going to make me go there?


Grit--the victim mentality ended a long time ago. I went from playing the victim to picking up my proverbial sword and playing the Warrior Princess. I won't volunteer to be hurt... but I am more than happy to kick someone's a$$ before the get the chance to hurt me.

Not sure there is much of a difference other than one is too weak & one is too strong. Neither leave much room for building healthy relationships.


No wonder I have such a freaking block writing this last column.

I picked forgiveness as my topic.

Ha.

I'm going to need more coffee.

[beingreal]

btw-- thanks Grit. You just gave me the angle I've been looking for for the past week. lol

[Truegritter]

I went from playing the victim to picking up my proverbial sword and playing the Warrior Princess. I won't volunteer to be hurt... but I am more than happy to kick someone's a$$ before the get the chance to hurt me.

Ever see Good Will Hunting?

And you may be done with the past but the past isn't done with you.

KWIM?

Ok I hate to do this but I'm going to quote Mach.

Yes Mach...

It is easy to detach from (also protect yourself, not get involved with, say F@ck you to) an A$$HOLE...

Or someone you perceive may hurt you.

The hard part is to learn that even though we choose this the anger and fight still remains. All you do is give the finger.

That may seem very warrior princess but what's under her armor?

A real warrior?

A really courageous one?

Stands without her armor and...

Without her sword.

[crushednstuck]

OK Grit, you've pulled me back in time to read Real's 7/12 post about not feeling safe with her H. Direct quote from my W. Ironically, I feel more than capable of being her protector, it's just the rules changed after I've let her control the relationship. She could give up some of that control to realize I can step up. But how do you exhibit that when she's gone?
Real, you've given me some great insight into what might be in my W's brain.

[Truegritter]

Crushed

Sorry I didn't see this post.

1st Sorry for the hijack breal

She could give up some of that control to realize I can step up. But how do you exhibit that when she's gone?

There is work to be done behind the scenes...

On you.

Look at the things your W says and some of it is just spew

but

pay particular attention to the stuff that stings.

Those things are what YOU need to work on.

Find what you don't like in yourself and change it.

Kill it.

Then

We have a little saying around here

You can't talk your way out of something you acted your way into.

Actions.

Show her actions. Not words.

And make sure those actions are not tricks or ploys or strategies

Real changes.

For you.

[beingreal]

No problem Grit... feel free to hijack any time you'd like--the cause is always worthy.



I'm sorry I have not updated this thread. It's been a very difficult couple of weeks & I've spent a lot of time being the target of far too many of H's insane rants, accusations and hostilities. I keep trying to update here, but I usually don't know where to start, or I get dragged away by someone else's problem...

We'll just leave it at hateful, hurtful, demeaning, insane, rambling and vicious. That is how H has been.


Tonight I get a call from him, he wants to explain why he didn't get the kids dinner before my parents picked them up. He didn't need to explain, a simple "The haven't had dinner yet" would have sufficed. But it's his nickel, so okay.

Then he tells me that he is seeing a counselor tomorrow.

There is something wrong with him.

He's been having these "maniac attacks" lately.

He can't sleep.

He flies into rages over nothing.

He needs to figure out what is going on because there is something wrong with him (his words)

Then he apologizes to me...

"I'm sorry for what I've put you through. I'm sorry for what I've done. You didn't deserve it. I'm bad, and I was wrong."


I held back my tears long enough to tell him that he wasn't a bad person, I hoped he got the help he felt he needed, and that I appreciated his telling me (about the kids anyway--the counseling was none of my business, but I'm still glad he told me).

He told me that he'd try to tell my mom about dinner, but, "...she doesn't want anything to do with me. (pause) There's a lot of people feeling the same way lately."

"Well, that's something that you can work on later. Right now *you* should be your priority."




That was today's interaction.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. Or the day after. Or the day after that. I don't want to say that I don't think he'll follow through, let's just say that I don't have any expectations from this conversation.



Funny thing is, I do hope he gets help. I do hope he gets better. I hope he does it for himself and not for some anticipated reconciliation. I'd hate for him to lose whatever work he does when that doesn't happen. If in fact he actually does the work, that is.


So that's my update.

As for me, I am...exhausted to the point of being numb.



Tomorrow will be better.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

hey shelbel I mean beingreal.
I was thinking about your sitch today and finally found you in this forum.'

Hope things are improving for you and I will get caught up on your sitch.
Have a gr8 day!

[beingreal]

Omg... hey gr8!! I popped over to your stitch to catch up really quick, I'm so glad you came looking for me! Thank you!



I haven't been posting much, I've been in a weird spot & I'm not sure I really belong here anymore. Although I love it here & the people have literally pulled me through, I can't imagine where I'd be if it weren't for the friends I've made here.



Let me try to update everyone really quick...


H & I got into a deep R talk--not by my choice, but I did engage when he started. Mistake #1.

Out of nowhere he asked me, "what do you want to do with this marriage? Are we getting divorced or what?" Pretty hard to ignore that one...

So I told him that it didn't matter to me right now whether there was signed paperwork, and I was willing to hold off if it meant that he could stay on my insurance & get more money for grants & loans for when he went back to college. That answer was apparently NOT what he was looking for. It was the only one I had, though.

He ended up saying, "Tell me you don't love me anymore. Just tell me you don't love me & you don't want to be married anymore & I'll go away." I told him that I couldn't tell him I didn't love him because I did love him--it was never an issue of loving him. But I don't want to be married to him. I wasn't lying, I really don't want to be married anymore. I will always love him, but not the way I'm to love a husband. Not the way I want to love a husband, nor the way I want to be loved.

I was speaking to a couple of male friends, (my "advisory panel" I call them lol) and they told me that I was W-R-O-N-G in telling him that I loved him still, even though it's not *that* way. In his male, MLC brain all he heard was, "I love you". They said the only way to help him right now is to make a clean break and let him heal. That loving him, but not as a husband is the same as not loving him. So the next time he asks me if I love him, I'm supposed to say "no, I don't".

The whole thing just makes me sad. I hate the thought that I'm hurting him even more. We've both been through so much pain already, neither of us deserve anymore.

So last night I started working on some of the paperwork & worksheets online to get the dissolution started. I emailed him & told him that I'd like to talk about some of the things that we need to work out so we can decide what's best for the kids. I found that we can write it into our settlement that he stay on my insurance for a set amount of time, so that is good. I hope he takes me up on that offer--if he is serious about finally getting the help he needs for his issues, then the last thing I want to do is yank away his means to do so. I want him to be healthy if he decides to take that step. I don't want this to hinder him.

I don't think that is being controlling--I'm only making the offer, it doesn't cost me a dime extra so it's not like I'm playing the hero here. It's there if he wants it, it's up to him if he uses it.

I'm not being a b!tch, I'm not being cruel, I'm not being manipulative. I'm just trying to make this as easy as it could possibly be for everyone involved. I don't expect him to just lay down & agree with everything I suggest. I don't expect him to do anything actually. I'm just doing what is right for the kids and for me without a trace of bitterness of vindictiveness.

I keep reading about doing everything in love, hard to imagine, but I've started things along for just that reason.

We all have to do what we have to do. I feel it's best for the kids & for me if we can just move forward.

I pray H finds his way. I wish he could see just how much I care about him & how I want nothing but good things for him.

If anyone read my column... I really harbor no grudges towards him. I don't hold anything in our past against him. I really have erased the scores. I didn't think it was possible when I started here, but I'm living proof...

Forgiveness will set you free.

[beingreal]

Another week, another update.


I'm so freakin' tired of this BS I could just scream.


The kids start school tomorrow, I couldn't be happier about it. I'm exhausted. And broke. And tired of being broke.

I've spent nearly $700 on back-to-school stuff in the past few weeks. H hasn't given me a dime to help. He thinks that my not having to pay to feed & clothe him anymore is more than enough to compensate-- so I've not gotten any money from him since he left.

He has money to drive his brother & all of his loser friends around (since they have all involuntarily forfeited their driver's licenses in the past year). He has money to drive to Michigan and Indiana for a few days to "relax & party", but not enough money to drive up to see his kids. In fact, for the past two weeks he has been not more than a mile from our house & didn't bother to even stop to see them. He found the $1400 he owed the college after he got pi$$ed off & withdrew the day after he moved out last quarter and lost his student loans leaving him with the bill-- and then had enough nerve to tell me that our youngest son was out of diapers at his house.

Ummmm.... seriously? Dude... That one almost started an argument;
H:S3 is out of diapers.
Me:Okay...
H:Are you going to buy any?
Me: I can't afford to stock three houses, H. (mine, my mom's when she has them so I can work & his.)
H:I don't have a job!
Me: You've been gone for almost four months, I'm afraid that isn't my problem.
H: Well, he's almost three anyhow, I don't understand why he isn't potty trained. You should have potty trained him by now!
Me: He has a potty, he doesn't want to use it. But if you think that needs to be done, then have at it.
H: What am I supposed to do about diapers?
Me: Use paper towels & duct tape for all I care. I'm sure you'll figure something out.


I have gotten so many phone calls the past few weeks, his mom had surgery, he needs advice. His dad is sick, he wants me to talk to the doctor & find out what is going on. He needs to give his dad insulin shots & doesn't know what to do. Each and every time I let him know I care, but I don't get involved. He needs to stand on his own.

Here's where I get pissed, be warned...

I'm having surgery in September. H knows, not what--only that I'm having surgery & the date. I've asked that he help out a little more with the kids to help my mom out. Just take S3 a couple of days or something. Take them an extra weekend so it doesn't all fall on her. He can't be bothered. He told me he doesn't give an eff about me or my surgery, and I should just find someone else to watch them. Granted, he called a few days after he left those voicemails & apologized, but he has yet to ask how he can help.

I'm actually having two surgeries... my schedule will look something like this...

Tuesday--surgery, inpatient until Saturday my mom will have all three kids until Friday when they have their weekend with H.
Saturday--I come home have 36 hours until the kids get home.
Sunday through Monday--I have all three kids while I try to recover, my mom comes over after school every night to help with baths, homework and dinner. Pray that I don't have to lift S3 because I won't be able to.

Tuesday (2 weeks after the first surgery)--I go in for an outpatient surgery, come home that night & get the kids back from my mom the next day.

So, two surgeries in 14 days, three kids, & he will have them for 48 hours because he is too busy. Doing nothing.

I know I sound pissed. I am. I don't expect him to give a crap about what's going on with me, I really don't. I haven't offered up any information because I don't want to talk to him about it, it's none of his business & it doesn't involve him. I had just hoped he'd be more of a man when it came to his kids.

Want to hurt me? Fine. But nut up and help out with your kids.

I know, I'm expecting something from him, I shouldn't. Someone throw a 2x4 at me, I'm going to duck & hope it hits him instead.



Have I mentioned how happy I am that school starts tomorrow?

[Truegritter]

Someone throw a 2x4 at me.

<Truegritter tip toeing in>

I am sorry you are having a bad day/month.

I am fresh out of 2x4's

How about a hug?

(((((breal)))))

You can't make him do anything but you can keep him from encroaching on you with phone calls etc...

Trying to pull you back into the codependencey gig.

Don't do it.

Can his Mom help out?

We might have to have a Manic Monday session tonight with you and PEI.