Just keep in mind, CD, that actions are also interpreted as feelings. Thus, by texting back fairly quickly you demonstrated "care" (emotion). Think about how often we LBS mind read. You are sitting there thinking, "Hmmmm....." because she texted you when she didn't need to. Your response, whether it is emotionless or not sappy indicates some emotion to her as well. That's why it's better to not respond for awhile, if at all, on the first sign of them testing you. (Unless it's about D, that's different of course.)
Just keep in mind, CD, that actions are also interpreted as feelings. Thus, by texting back fairly quickly you demonstrated "care" (emotion). Think about how often we LBS mind read. You are sitting there thinking, "Hmmmm....." because she texted you when she didn't need to. Your response, whether it is emotionless or not sappy indicates some emotion to her as well. That's why it's better to not respond for awhile, if at all, on the first sign of them testing you. (Unless it's about D, that's different of course.)
OK, after all that disjointed stuff, I'm hoping I found a solution to the texts.
If I get another tomoroow, I'm going to say: M:This is three days in a row of stuff not about the divorce or Calla. Why are you telling me this?
Blah,blah,blah
M: "You wanted want a divorce. You are sleeping with someone else. aren't in love with me nor need me in your life. That precludes us from being friends. Google it"
Or
M:This sounds more like stuff for between a husband and wife
or
M:This is your personal life. You said you wanted a divorce and your affair has me agreeing with you. Your personal life isn't part of mine anymore.
DROP THE ROPE, CD!!!!!
CD,
You want to CONVEY this stuff ^, by your ACTIONS.
NOT make "grand pronouncements." Such pronouncements belie the very thought you're trying to convey.
LIVE THE SPIRIT OF ALL OF THOSE OUT by your ACTIONS, every day. Sure, if she ASKS you, "What's the deal with you?" or whatever, and it's in context, you can respond with one of the above that feels authentic to you. But if you text one of those, esp. out of the blue, it will make you appear pursuing.
Hey CD, Wow super advice here. As I have said I am still in the trenches too. Pretty much made the same mistakes that Steady is describing.
I understand your concern about previous marital complaints. I would suggest responding to some of the emails that don't have anything to do with your D. However I would only respond as "busy now get back with you later" then never do so. You have acknowledge her attempt to contact you, meaning that you are willing to communicate with her about things other than your D, but you never do, this will get under her skin and she will eventually ask you in person.
In person is the only time I would restate your boundary, about being her friend while she is still engaged in her affair. This way you will be able to gage her response. I can't tell you how many times I have sent a text or email, only to have it ignored. This will tear you up wondering, so if you don't do it then you will not experience those feelings.
The other thing, is that the boundary needs to be enforced out of love for your W. Gage your tone and words, stay calm and factual and I would state that "you know what I need in order to have any type of R with you." I think you are communicating that there is a possibility of reconcilliation without saying it.
I think that you are seeing progress.....SLOOOOWWWWWLLLLLYYYY. Stay the course, remember the smallest CONSISTENT behaviors will be noticed more than anything else.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
You convey it by your lack of response, your delayed response, and your businesslike responses. You convey it with the sum total of your demeanor toward her, over time, and -- even more importantly -- with your FOCUS ON CD.
I would only respond as "busy now get back with you later" then never do so. You have acknowledge her attempt to contact you, meaning that you are willing to communicate with her about things other than your D, but you never do, this will get under her skin and she will eventually ask you in person. In person is the only time I would restate your boundary, about being her friend while she is still engaged in her affair. This way you will be able to gage her response.
And I like this alot.
Originally Posted By: Missherlove
stay calm and factual and I would state that "you know what I need in order to have any type of R with you." I think you are communicating that there is a possibility of reconcilliation without saying it.
You convey it by your lack of response, your delayed response, and your businesslike responses. You convey it with the sum total of your demeanor toward her, over time, and -- even more importantly -- with your FOCUS ON CD. She's a chick; trust me, she'll notice.
AHA!! Me gettin' it now.
Can't believe I lost my way in three lousy days. I was "flying" last week but completely lost it with the mediation meeting.
