[quote] I fell in love and married someone on the potential of what I thought they could be. I thought I could bring STBXW out of her shell and we'd experience all these amazing moments together.
As time went on and life got disappointing and difficult -- it's life afterall -- she retreated more and more back into the quiet, suspicious, wallflower she was when we met.
So I guess I failed in my efforts to change/help her. The problem was it was probably doomed from the start. The person she is now is the person she was then. In between was a mirage.
It was no mirage. You were trying to make someone something you wanted her to be not who she was. I'd say that's always a formula for failure! Often when we want to make someone something else we are saying more about ourselves than about them. Why do we pick someone who we see as defective and need to "fix" them? Do we feel unable to relate to someone we see as "equal" to ourselves? It's easier and less scary to be in a R with someone who "needs" us rather than with someone who is confident and happy with who they are. If they need you to "fix" them then they won't leave you but be eternally grateful to you, the Grand Poo Bah of Fixing...that's the fantasy anyway which is seldom the reality. Just something to think about.
