Well guys..not sure what to say except that I think I'm feeling differently about all this than you all think I am. I understand why you would since I have been all over the place these last couple of months.
I hear you saying that detachment is key. That doing stuff for me is key. To slow down on trying to "fix" things. That it isn't going to happen overnight. That I have alot yet to learn (that actually energizes me..cause I like to learn). I just want you guys to know that I get all that. I really do. I have read and read and listened and I understand.
I posted awhile back about the "calm" feeling that had come over me and it's still there. I don't know what happened to get me to that place, but it has put me in a different frame of mind. It didn't happen overnight as it appeared..it was a long process to get there. It has been very gradual..happening over the course of the past year and a half. I'm not saying I know it all, that I know things will work out for us or that we'll be ok. What I'm saying is that I know I will be ok. No matter what happens. And yes, I hope with all my heart that we can save this marriage, but I am not scrambling around thinking about nothing else besides "fixing it" "fixing him" anymore. I was..but I'm not now. I have also taken a break from reading the self-help marriage saving stuff..just because I needed a break. I just want to think about some other stuff for awhile. Not stop working on it or anything like that..but take the focus off of the R and the M for a little bit. The last nine months since the Bomb thing has just exhausted me. And yes I guess it helps that my H seems to be in a different frame of mind too..but I want you to know that I hear you when you tell me that he is not healed and there is plenty more to come on that front. I need to regroup to prepare for that..whatever "that" might be.
Someone said something about the crisis being over. The crisis is not over. In some ways it's just beginning. We are both different people now and if we decide to move forward with our marriage..it will be different too. And it needed to be. I love my husband and will keep trying as long as I want to. If I decide I don't want to do it anymore, then I will take the steps that I deem are right for me..and I hope he will do the same. I'm feeling pretty good, better than I have in a very long time. I'm learning alot about myself and that's always a good thing.
I had to reach a point where I backed off and reflected..I couldn't keep going the way I was. It was too much and would have sent me over the edge if I hadn't gotten a handle on it. We all come to these crossroads in our own time. I'm sure I'll run into alot more of them as I continue my journey. So, I hope you'll all continue to walk along with me and be my friends.
I'm good right now, really. Just taking a brain break.
