I have read the book "The Divorce Remedy", it was lent to me by my Therapist. I enjoyed it very much, it enlightened me in many ways. I tried to get my ex- spouse to read it as well - she said she read most of it online, but I don't know if she ever did - and if so, it will even help. She is not interested in discussing our relationship, right now, or maybe permanently. I have also spent a lot of time reading through forums, blogs, literature etc. Just looking for some help and advice.. on many levels - dealing with a separation, how to save your marriage or how to get it back. I must say, I found a multitude of information and may interesting situations - some forums were actually..scary. Jerry Springer material, is the best way to describe it. I never did join any groups, just read. I have decided to join a forum, and I chose this one. After reading through many threads, I have found I am not alone...there are so many of you going through what I am! It almost brought tears to my eyes when I read some posts – that is when I knew I had to hop on board. I have been spending to much time talking to friends and family about my situation, and I don't want to exhaust them with my issues. I think this is a healthier coping environment for me.
I am 39 years old, my ex-spouse is 30. We have two boys ages 3 and 5. We were married for 7 years. We have been separated for seven months, living in separate homes for just under 6 months. She moved out with the kids, the decision to separate was hers. It was quick, she pretty much just walked out. We have a verbal agreement on most things such as who was getting what, finances, children etc. We have nothing drafted up legally and have not consulted Lawyers, Mediators etc. I am not really prepared to yet, can't afford to either. But I believe she is ready to and she will go as far as borrowing money from her parents to get the ball rolling. I am not suspecting that, she told me. It saddens me that she wants closure so quickly..she wants this to be permanent. When she left I wanted to resolve things, I pleaded. We went to one session with a Therapist, that I arranged. I was hoping for more, but we didn’t continue, as much as I wanted to. I feel she had already moved on in her heart and mind and had too much anger to make the session productive, she also analyzed me for behaviours in the session, to justify her beliefs that things will never work out. She had seen her own Therapist for a few months prior and had sought the advice of a priest (we are Catholic). They supported her choices. I really don’t know what she said to them, to make them feel separating was the best choice. I know that the Priest had told her she had made a decision intellectually, the rest had to come from her heart…I suppose.
I ruined my marriage. I sucked ever last ounce of trust and respect my wife had for me, I killed it - and I am afraid she is at the point of no return. I have drained all of her emotional strength. She tried so hard, and I neglected to see that. She suggested counselling and I avoided it. I didn’t think it would work, though it might even make things worse. I had these options because I chose to be negative and think of the people I knew that tried it and failed. I thought about when I had tried seeing a Therapist before and they let me down, they juggled me around like they didn’t care. Each time I made an appointment there was a new Therapist in the office – they were Temps! A few years back I had found an old friend, actually, she found me – she had separated and was a single mother. We were friends back in Middle School and the early years of High School. For the first couple of years we would keep in touch, check in and see how things were going etc. When it got to the point I didn’t know what my wife had wanted from me to make her happy, I felt I never would..it discouraged me..I felt hopeless. I knew our relationship was in jeopardy. I let my friend know this. We began talking about it more often, I was now exposing my private details about my feelings and my wife. I was crossing a line. She was listening to me. This all happened very quickly, but I got into an emotional affair. I had a business trip which involved travelling close to the city she resided in. We met up and she brought her daughter. We spent a day together and talked a lot. I knew that she liked me more than a friend and wanted to carry things to the next level. I never let myself get to the point of letting things become physical during that visit. I felt really awkward – I was getting lost at a pace that mad my head spin. I was facing an opportunity to set my wife free of me. This girl had suggested our relationship was doomed anyhow, and it sounded like we shouldn’t have ever gotten married. I was in a fragile state and quite gullible. I returned from my trip, and felt more lost than I ever had. What had I done?? I presented her with that fact I thought I didn’t love her, that perhaps we got married for the wrong reasons. It didn’t take my wife to know something was up. She then logged into our computer and got into my Facebook account, where I had been talking to this other woman. I didn’t hide it all that well, like I said, it was only a friendship and that changed within a matter of a month – I was cheating and had no intention of doing that from the beginning. She was devastated, she broke down in tears and anger. She kicked me out of the house for a few days – and dealt with her pain while with our children – a few days later she took me back into the home, I was so relieved. After seeing her pain, I knew how much she truly loved me, I knew how much I truly loved her – I wanted things to work. But, there were rules and conditions of us staying together – she made them and I agreed to them..anything but being apart at that point was all I could think about. I had to go see a Therapist and give her access to all online means of communication I had…home and work email etc.. I gave her all may access codes and booked a session with a Therapist. I went to see him and talked about things, what had happened etc. I only went to 3 or 4 session. It felt alright, but I didn’t really know why I was there, what I was wanting to accomplish. I felt I was there because she wanted me to be, because she knew what I should be getting therapy for..I didn’t. She was not pleased to find I didn’t continue with sessions, and that the few I went to wasn’t enough..she wanted to see change. Once again, what changes? What did she want? What did I want? She told me just before Christmas last year, that she was trying to make a decisions about her life and our relationship, right then I knew where it was heading. I really wish that I had reacted differently, that I had remained calm and tried to get involved in what she was going through, rather than think about myself, and fear the doom I felt looming. I chose to sleep in the basement, thinking space is what she needed. That was the last time we ever slept in the same bed. It was the worst Christmas I have ever had. We didn’t spend New Years together, I stayed home with our kids and she went out with friends. Not long after that (by the end of January of this year), she broke the news to me..it was over. Now I am faced with the fact..it is too late to reconcile. No matter how much I want to do whatever it takes. I had the same dreams of a healthy family as she did. I love her and always have, with all of my heart. Her and our children are the world to me. But I let behaviours get in the way. I neglected to see the signs and take her seriously. I saw it as nagging. When she would give up and stop nagging, I would see it as being an issue that wasn't all that important to her..because she wouldn't bring it up again. In retrospect, she wasn't nagging..she was trying to communicate with me. I was very wrong. Her concerns about our marriage and about my behaviours were quite valid. She would tell me I carry a lot of anger, she tried to help me with it..she tried so hard..at a lot of things..especially our marriage. But I didn't understand my anger, where it came from, why I had it or how to get rid of it. I was stubborn. I found no enjoyment in being this way, no pleasure at all. I wasn't trying to play games with her heart and emotions - I just plain out didn't know what I was doing and let things take their course. Even though I knew I had done things to hurt her and our family. And without change, I understand now that she could never see change happening if I hadn't taken the steps during our 7 years together - I hadn't put any urgency behind it. It probably insulted her when she told me she was walking away from the marriage, that I decided to open my eyes and tell her how much I want to work on our marriage. The fact she had to go to that extent, must have hurt her and made her even angrier at me. I continued to see the Therapist I booked the appointment with for us. She is an Imago Therapist, but also does individual counselling. I saw her for 5 months (my company benefits only covers so many sessions – but I will be returning to see her…just need to open a new file and start the process over again through my EAP). Ever hour I saw her, I talked and I talked..I had SO much to say! I spent one session just crying..but it sure felt good. I discovered something, Therapy is great! I really needed this, my wife was so right about it. I have made all the idiotic manoeuvres that we are advised not to do after a separation - beg, plead, say sorry a million times, say I love you, bring up the kids and how much it means to put some effort into things..for their livelihood. Many emails, texts, try and talk at wrong the wrong time (kids present or she is in a rush - although it really does appears she is always in a rush and avoiding me in any way she can). I have tried to stop doing that, I have tried giving her space - may only be a month or so that goes by, then I can't help myself and I email her or try to talk to her again. Then I regret it, because I feel I have taken steps back and made things worse. Pushed her away even more.
She can be very evasive about her personal life, at times she shares what she is doing..going out with some friends or attending a work function etc. At other times she is very private. She is consistent in keeping everything about the kids..she is very strong. I know that she started dating someone before she even moved out of the house, I know so because I snooped..I invaded her privacy (via computer). I was suspicious and hurt - I now feel terrible for doing so, I was such a mess back then. I also did it because I didn't fully understand why she was leaving me, she walked out and never turned back. What she said was " I am done". I was looking for more answers, to find a new man was involved was not what I was hoping for. She denied it for a while, until I told her what I had done to find out. She was furious. I ceased from doing it anymore and did my best to accept this was a stage and hoped it would end. Man, did that hurt to know she needed to be with someone so quickly. I am pleasant with her all the time, ask her how her day was and how she feels, I wish her a good night when we are done talking to our kids on the phone. I compliment her appearance, she is beautiful and I always felt that way. I don’t get the same in return from her, and I don’t let that bother me..I try really hard not to. She is firm and focused, keeps everything about the kids and always has that wall up to protect herself. This is her time and I want to give it to her..as much as I can…it is so tough.
I have had my ups and downs. Had my couch potato episodes, and my exercise and healthy eating ones. I focus on making change as much as I can, keep my chin up, cherish and enjoy every moment I have with our sons...more than I ever had. This is the toughest, most painful thing I have ever been through in my life. When I get to be with her and out kids for just an hour at one of our sons soccer games, my heart pounds..I feel at ease..I feel so happy and I don’t want it to end. I have dreams where I we hold each other and embrace and everything is OK, I wake up in tears of joy...just to discover it was only a dream. I am having a hard time with this - I am hoping time is on my side..aside from praying to God..that is all I have. I have asked her for it (time). She never answered me and I don't think she plans to. She is doing a great job moving on with her life, I am afraid she will move on forever. I think she is already seeing another man, and not the first one she was seeing. I know that if I ask, I will be told it is none of my business. I hope she at least has the heart to tell me if she is ever going to introduce another man to our children. It is going to break my heart even more. Knowing that she may be getting intimate with another man makes me sick to my stomach – those moments when we were together were cherished by me. I never had urges to be with another woman in that way – I was very happy with my wife. What really makes things difficult for me at times…there are so many loose ends for me. I have so many questions. I want to talk things out with her so much. She does not want to listen. She doesn’t want to be involved in anything that includes thinking about me. Sorry folks..I don't even know where I am going with all of this. I just really needed to talk, to share. This looks like a good place to do it.
For future posts try to have more paragraph breaks.
It sounds like your W was trying to work on the M leading up to her departure. I have exprienced that too. Now that you "get it" it appears to be too late.
Good news is that even though your W said these these doesn't mean there is no hope.
Bad news is it's going to take even once of patience and hard work on your part to change your situation.
You said you have read DR, that's great. Have you been applying the techniques?
You also siad your are and have always been happy with your W, I'm not sure if that's true. Especially since you were talking to OW about personal issues.
Your W set a boundary after she found out about your EA. You broke it and she followed through with what she said she would do.
Right now you need to focus your energies on yourself. Do not think about what your wife is doing and with whom, it will only eat you up.
PLease take no offense to anything said, it's just how I see it.
People here will say things you may not agree with but be open to different perspectives.
gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I am not offended at all, I am here because I expect comments and advice. I appreciate your suggestions and thoughts.
When I said I was happy with my wife, I meant in a physical way. I never had urges to go to other woman for that.
But you are correct, in many ways I wasn't happy with my wife. Because I choose to see things in a negative way, its like I forced myself to find things I didn't like about her. My behaviours, rooted from a past of hurt and anger. Like many other folks, I am sure, I discouvered how happy I actually was with my wife...once she was gone.
Another reason I am here...I am committed and being sincere to myself and her. That I want change and I want to work very hard on it, I do not want us to be separated. I want our family to be together, to be healty.
After being here for some time I learned my issue and faults leading to the breakdown in my M.
My W wanted my to see a doctor about my sleep disorder. I never did until she was gone. Once she was gone I did all the things she wanted me to do so I could win her back. I initially did them for her to see but I learned she didn't care at that point.
Then once I started to do things for me, make me a better person, I started to feel better. I did things for me b/c I wanted to be a better partner for my W or, if things didn't work out, be a better partner in my next relationship.
I didn't have OM in the picture to deal with but sicne she was getting attention from OM she felt good b/c she wasn't getting it from me.
The key is to work on yourself. Excercise, go out with friends, find a new hobby or revive an old one. Be the best dad you can be when you have the kids.
Don't sit around hoping she'll call. She won't. It's going to take a long time for her to see change b/c her wall is so high.
You working on yourself will lead to your happiness and will either be noticed by W or she may still go through with D.
Have the mind set that things could go either way, but in the end you WILL be happy.
Start detaching. this is by for the hardest thing to do for the LBSs.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I don't have much in the way of advice, I'm still new here too. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you find yourself here, however from what I've been reading you will get a lot of great advice!
Me: 24 H: 26 2 SS: 7 & 5; D: 3 H filed D papers: 8/2/10 OW discovered: 08/10 D papers counter-filed: 10/2/10 There is no method to my madness
Thanks to both of you. Kellbell, sorry to hear you landed up here as well. Looks like we found a great place for support though.
Being the best father I can be is certainly my priority, that is where I get most of my happiness from right now. My focus on health and doing things for myself has been somewhat intermittent - the "ups and downs" thing. But when I do gain focus, I feel good.
Yes, detaching is indeed a very gruelling task. I try so hard to follow the advice - to step away and give her space. I just cannot comprehend how she will see any change in me, if she isn't around me to see it. How she can gain any trust or respect for me again, if I do not have the opportunity to give it to her. I feel if I step away and not share what I am doing or going through. She will feel I just gave up, and that it would validate her decision to end our M. Because I really wasn't committed like I say I am. Its a really tough spot. I feel that she thinks I am trying to manipulate my way back into an old cycle - hence the wall. If I don't have any contact with her about our R, then she shes it as me wanting to be D as well.
Yes, detaching is indeed a very gruelling task. I try so hard to follow the advice - to step away and give her space. I just cannot comprehend how she will see any change in me, if she isn't around me to see it. How she can gain any trust or respect for me again, if I do not have the opportunity to give it to her. I feel if I step away and not share what I am doing or going through. She will feel I just gave up, and that it would validate her decision to end our M. Because I really wasn't committed like I say I am. Its a really tough spot. I feel that she thinks I am trying to manipulate my way back into an old cycle - hence the wall. If I don't have any contact with her about our R, then she shes it as me wanting to be D as well
Ok, early on you beg,pleaded said you would change etc.
How did that work out???
I have been there, done that. It doesn't work. Trust me.
For me and my sitch, I think once that I gave up working on the M and trying to win her back was when she felt it ease. That's when she can really think clearly.
For me May was my turning point, nearly 9 months into it. I finnaly detach FULLY. and realized that I am going to be OK No matter what the outcome.
I started to take control of my happiness and future. After she said she wanted a D and didn't follow through on it, I was the one who intiated the process.
Now 4 months after I "gave up" she wants to talk to me. She knows I have dating and according to some here(Gucci and Puppy) once they WAW knows you have moved on, their feelings will change.
Your actions are going to feel couter productive. If they do then you know you're doing the right thing.
Quote:
If I don't have any contact with her about our R, then she sees it as me wanting to be D as well.
Not true. View it as you don't want the same R as before not a D. Big difference.
Your old R is dead, that's a good thing.
You are now in training for a better you. That's what she'll notice.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
That is so true, I don't want the old R again, at all. EVER.
I wish she really could really understand that is what I want.
I know I do not want to "date". That is not something I feel I need. I love her too much, it wouldn't be fair to me or someone who may potentially want a R with me. I do have one woman friend, we went to the movies once and took my sons to her parents place for a fun day at the beach. But the friend knows where I stand with my WAW, my feelings etc. My EA was my attmept to date, although at a very inappropriate time and reason. I knew then.. that is not what I want.
I think I will stick with getting out a little more, get back into biking..which I slacked off on about a month ago. Winter comes quick in my neck of the woods. I was thinking of finding a local charity group or something, volunteer service through a church or oraganization of some type. I am fairly shy..so that should make for a good challenge.
I am an avid fisherman - I can't beleive I have let my passion go. I will try to make a few trips out, that always helps.
Keeter, you're on the right track. This is a problem I find myself with. I found things I was passionate about, then I thought my H would think I was too busy for him (he actually did think that while he was gone) and put them on the sidelines when he came home.
When you give up things, hobbies, you like, or when you start closing yourself off, you feel it and not in a good way (trust me on that one). In my very short time here I've found the advice to GAL to be some of the best. You have to come to the point where you know you'll be ok no matter what happens with your M.
Me: 24 H: 26 2 SS: 7 & 5; D: 3 H filed D papers: 8/2/10 OW discovered: 08/10 D papers counter-filed: 10/2/10 There is no method to my madness
Another thing I need to work on is analyzing everything. That is extremely difficult - I spend hours doing it. If we have met up to exchange visits with our children, or at a soccer game etc. I keep my conversation to a minimum, ask her how her day was or tell her I think she looks nice etc. I will go home and wonder how she felt about it. Does she not want me doing it? Does it make her mad or uncomfortable? Woudl she tell me to stop if she wanted me to? If she was dating another man, would she tell me it is not appropriate for me compliment her looks and it makes her feel awkward? am I supposed to be looking for facial expressions or body language, because she is using her words? There is times were she has said thank you, when I have said she looks pretty today or I like a new outfit I noticed. Sometimes it seems like she perhaps genuinely appreciated the comment. Other times, she has said thank you under her breath and rushes off. Her parents are one thing I spent plenty of time marinading on, once the bomb was dropped. I love her folks, they are great with our kids. Good wholesome people - some quirks and small concerns over the years. But nothing I couldn't get over or tolerate. I got to know them fairly well, and things were great..right up until the day. I actually spend more time with them, and enjoyed them..more than my own family. Her world was mine - I like dit that way. I put a lot of time into having a bond with her father - he was a very quiet and reserved individual when I met him. Until I got him back into fishing, then we became good friends. But the day after the bomb, her parents wall went up and they walked away like her. I have spoken to her father since - he avoids me like she does.
I know i can't control the reactions of other people, I can only control the way I react towards them. So thats what I do. I try to apply the same concept with my EX, but not as easy.
