This is the one I am going to have difficulty with and need help. Everything in my gut tells me I should initiate a R conversation with her and ask her is she sure this is what she wants but my head and what I have learned from DB and the forum says act cool and just proceed like it does not overly affect me.
She knows I don't want this and want to work on the M so I know there is probably no point in re stating this so why do I feel I should ?
Its strange that she was the one constantly saying she wanted out and that we need to sell the house but at the same time doing nothing about it except telling friends and the kids and now I am the one driving this, setting dates and organizing the logistics. I feel like I am now the driving force behind the thing I want the least. Not really sure how the switch happened except I didn't want to get led around by the nose.
Is there a proper way to just come out one last time and say. "I am going ahead with this even though I believe it to be completely unnecessary and something we will both regret" or do I just act like I am completely ok with the separation and just focus on what i need to do.
You've answered all of your own questions here, Khudoo. She will SEE what you are doing (ACTIONS, not WORDS, remember?) and she's free to stop you if and whenever she wishes.
If you make a speech or some grand pronouncement about it, then EVERYTHING you've listed above will just appear to be some sort of "tactic" by you to get her back, and you will have wasted all of your positive moves.
As Coach says, "Lead." She already knows how you feel.
Thanks Puppy, just needed someone to tell me not to start backtracking. I know what I have to do and unfortunately that is to follow though and "lead" at this stage in the process.
Really appreciate your advice here and keeping me honest
Saw my W this evening for the first time in a week. She was working nights an i was out having fun so we went a week without much contact except some notes left on table.
Just spoke about prepping the house and nailed her down on a time to have a financial talk.
For someone who was a lot of fun previously things have really changed. Its like she is afraid to smile when I am around and has to have a permanent scowl. It is so uncomfortable being around her. She is prob doing me a favor as it will make the separation easier.
At least I wont be slipping into the R talk as she is so miserable and unattractive right now I wouldn't want to be with her.
She definitely doesn't look like someone who is happy with her life or content with her decision but she will still go ahead with it. No real doubt about that.
I bumped into a mutual friend today who commented that i seemed to be taking the breakup a lot better than her and actually asked if it was my decision. She said W seemed really depressed since it happened.
We are now discussing the logistics of separating and the problem is she seems to escalate every little thing into an argument and i mean every little thing.
When she starts raising her voice I have been saying " I do not want to turn this into a fight so lets end the discussion if we cant be civil".
Sometimes this works and sometimes it inflames her even worse. Even me walking away from a fight ends up causing a worse fight.
How do i get around this. We need to talk and agree on stuff in order to facilitate the separation. None of the arguments are about possessions just about what is needed to sell the house and sports car.
I know I shouldn't attempt to mind read but it seems like all the arguing builds up her justification for leaving. She even mentioned that once over the last couple of weeks.
I don't understand. It takes TWO to escalate. If you are serious when you say "This conversation is over until you're ready to calm down and discuss it calmly, like adults" or whatever, then how does it escalate?
"It inflames her even worse." Fine. Let her be "inflamed." But in her "inflammation" includes berating you, then it takes two to continue that dance. Refuse to.
As I am walking away she is berating me and then usually follows up the next time I see her with the same argument. Sometimes an email to say i am really pi$$ing her off and not willing to discuss anything.
These are conversations we need to have so if she starts raising her voice should I just walk away and not raise the topic again until she initiates it ?
I think she perceives this as me delaying the separation.
As I am walking away she is berating me and then usually follows up the next time I see her with the same argument. Sometimes an email to say i am really pi$$ing her off and not willing to discuss anything.
These are conversations we need to have so if she starts raising her voice should I just walk away and not raise the topic again until she initiates it quote]
YES.
[quote]I think she perceives this as me delaying the separation.
A: "I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm doing what I feel I need to do in order to best protect myself."
or
"The separation is really a legal issue at this point, unfortunately. We'd be best to let our attorneys handle that."
Khudoo, one thing I learned thru my sitch is that we really do teach people how to treat us over time. Your wife has learned, unfortunately, that if she just continues to harrass and berate you, you will continue to conversation (and often give into her).
It's up to you to stop that habit, and break the cycle. It's a learned skill, and it will feel awkward as hell at first, but you'll likely only have to do it anywhere from one to maybe three or four times, before she sees that you're serious and aren't going to give in to her.
Sometimes an email to say i am really pi$$ing her off and not willing to discuss anything.
A: "I'm willing to discuss just about anything; just not in the timing and the manner you choose. If you choose to speak to be disrespectfully, or scream at me, then I've decided I'm no longer going to put up with that crap behavior, and you'll be ignored. If you want to discuss legal things, best handled by our attorneys, you may end up disappointed as well if you're looking for an immediate answer, but we WILL get back to you, I can assure you."
Puppy, A modified version of what you mentioned above seems to have halted the arguments over the weekend. Only problem is now she has gone completely silent. Any strategies for dealing with this.
I am really starting to feel like this whole thing is a complete waste of time and am beginning to not like her as a person so dont know why I am bothering even thinking that there is any hope of this reconciling.
She is being very successful in wiping out the good memories over the past years even for me and that is really bumming me out
