Long Distance Issues.....Possible WAW

[Dazed&Confused]

Thanks again TH and Pinhead....I appreciate the words. I am not happy with my current sitch, and I am trying to lead. My values are what is making this so difficult. In one hand, I believe in the sanctity of marriage, and believe that my wife and I should give it our all TOGETHER to try and see if we have a shot. Then in the other hand, I have a woman who will not/can not tell me she loves me, does not wear her wedding ring, and wants to leave.

Throw two children into the middle and you have yourself one nice dilemma.

My mother called her yesterday because it was my son's first day of school. She talked to the wife for a little while and told me what came out of it. It sounds like my mother got the same speech I did. Don't try and talk me out of it, I've made my mind up, no bad mouthing in front of the children, ect. I guess W said that her step mom had already tried to talk her out of it and that it wasn't going to work. So that was kind of reassuring to know that atleast I had someone in my corner. When I talked to W a while back she told me that she told her Dad about us, and that he didnt have anything to say, just "huh".
I think she was upset about it.

I think that I am starting catch on though. I talked to the W for little while yesterday. I talked to my son about his first day of school, and then the W got my daughter so I could see her. Then she just started chatting about random things. She even brought sports, which is weird for her. Things were going so nice, that my spidey sense got triggered, so I decided end the conversation on a high note, and it was late anyways.

So I told her that I was going to let her go, it was late, and I needed to go to bed. Her next line, "before you go, can we talk about the parenting plan?"

She is only being nice so she can speed up what she wants most in this world right now. I should of known better. On the flip side, the parenting plan is very important to me, so I said sure, no problem. We need to get that taken care of first. I told her that I found a web based program that will allow us to pass it back forth for review. Well, I guess its time I start to move forward.

[Dazed&Confused]

It's OK to feel emotions and even to share what you are feeling (e.g. right now I am angry, and I'll get back to you when I have had time to think about this), but it's not OK to act on your emotions

Hi TH,

I was re-reading your post, it is/will be very helpfull for me, and I appreciate the effort you put into it. I did miss this the first time through though. Have you had the time to think yet? Hopefully it was not something that I said to set you off, if so, my apologies......

D&C

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So I told her that I was going to let her go, it was late, and I needed to go to bed. Her next line, "before you go, can we talk about the parenting plan?"

She is only being nice so she can speed up what she wants most in this world right now. I should of known better.

Well, so long as you know NOW, it's okay to just enjoy the "being nice" time and see it for what it is. Don't get sucked into any convos that YOU are not prepared to have yet, deflecting with a "I'm tired; let's talk about this another time when we're both more focused" or whatever.

Puppy

[Dazed&Confused]

PDT, I do know now. She is not jabbing out nice things while throwing in the D talk. I don't care any longer. I just want to take care of myself at this point. She sent me a list of items that she wants from the house, along with parenting plan and child support demands. She said that if I didn't have an answer on the parenting plan by this weekend, that she would procede with out me.

I used this opportunity to use your suggested response and do so. I also reminded her that I was the one pushing for the parenting plan to get worked out first. So I am going to start on that seeing that is what matter most to me. It felt good to be able to remind her that I am not on her schedule, that this was her ideas, and that I wasn't going to speed things along just to make her happy. That my kids and myself are my priorities now.....

Thanks again PDT, that response was exactly what I was looking for.....

[Dazed&Confused]

Well, I just took the first step. I just ordered our parenting planning software. I also had a good conversation with the W regarding child support.

I say good, but it was hard. She seems to think that she is going to be on the poverty line or something. She also told me (without me asking mind you) why she was asking if I was coming home early or not. She knows if I stay, I will make more money, and she wanted me to give her a little to help her get on her feet. It is such a hard sitch, because my kids are going to be with her for half of the time. At the same time, I want to be able to keep my house, and maintain some level lifestyle.

I know that things are going to get worse, but she was pouring it on me. Talking about putting stuff on lay-away, shopping at second hand stores, applying for WIC and food stamps. The whole nine. I let her finish and reminded her that she was getting money from me. She had to report that as income, and that chose this, not me. Then she went into how I could save money, buy a cheaper house, cancel the cable bill, ect. I told her that I would find a way to make it, but the house was out of the question. That is MY family home and the kids needed some sort of stability.

Well, long story short, it looks like I am moving forward. I am starting the custody and parenting plan report. After we agree on that, I am giving her the calculator reports for child support, and hopefully we can agree. Oh, and I also told her that I honestly didn't know how long I was staying. Which is true. If I had more money than I knew what to do with, I would be home right now. I told her that it all depended on how the divorce played out, and whether or not I have to fight for what I wanted.

Well that is about it on my end. I will let you know how it goes from here. Wish me luck with the parenting plan and CS negotiations......

[pinhead]

D&C,

My wife did the whole guilt thing on me. How dare I make more money, why should she suffer, she tried so hard for so long to make it work, she's going to live in a shithole, she can't afford anything....

All attempts to control you through guilt.

I'm staying in my home for the exact same reasons you are. It's good for the kids, and good for you. We'll have joint custody, so no child support unless she goes nuclear in court.

I've promised to help her as much as I can (and I want), but she knows that promise is worth the paper it's written on.

[Dazed&Confused]

PH,

Everything I have read, even with joint custody, I am still going to have to pay quite a bit in child support. My state removed the parenting time deviation from the automatic calculators, but I am still doing my research. Regardless, I am going to have a lot of extra money going out tht I didn't have before. Child support, day care, ect.......

I am trying to remind myself that this is a business decision, not an emotional one. It still hurts inside though.......

[Dazed&Confused]

Well, not a lot to report from my end. I have the parenting plan software and I have been trying to work my through it. It just sucks because it is a constant reminder that what I am going through is permanent.

I finally told a friend of mine back home about what was going on. He has gone through this with his wife, and it felt good to talk to someone who has been through this. I remember all of the things he went through, and I now seeing my self going through them. It's painful because I never really understood what he was going through. I talked to him often, saying all of the "right" things to him, but never understood.

I do now. I see myself trying to just find that magical answer as to why and how this is all happening. I remember telling him about how unimportant that was, that he had to worry about himself. I remember telling him that if he truly wanted to save his marriage, to tell his wife just to step back. Take the logical steps; counselling, sepeartaion, then divorce.

It seemed so easy, and just made sense. I remember thinking that anyone with any amount of common sense could see it. And most of all, I remember feeling grateful that I had a relationship the felt strong. That I had a wife that I knew would try anything and everything to make our marriage work before just throwing in the towel.

It's amazing the difference a year can make isn't it? I am now the one fighting just to make any amount of sense to this. The funny thing is, all of my close friends have gone through this, and only one of their sitch's made sense to me. (him and his wife were very verbally abusive to one another) Well, I don't have very many "good" friends back home, but the ones I do have, are good ones, and they have been through what I am going through.

It was a big step to me just to let one of them know. I can say that I am a proud person, and going through this is shameful to me. It honestly feels like the biggest failure of my life. But maybe me being able to tell someone, outside of immediate family, is a sign that I am ready to deal with this? Who knows right? It just mainly hurts when I first see my kids on Skype. That is when the most shame and guilt hit me. The good thing is that it only takes a couple of minutes of talking to my son before I forget.

My next goal is to stop killing myself searching for the mythical answer. I know it is doing more harm than good, it's just that I thought my W and I have been through so much that she wouldn't leave me like this. Truth be told, maybe she doesn't even have it herself. Again, who knows?

I'm trying to stay strong, I can say that I haven't broke down crying lately. I am sensitive though, and I can feel the tears right on that line sometimes. But the funny thing is, they don't get there from my sitch. They are ususally from reading someone else's or some sappy news story. Maybe I'm just more in tune with my femenine side now or something!

I just hope and pray that everything the W has promised comes to fruition. That I don't get raped on CS and that I can keep my house to raise my kids in. If that happens, then I will be as happy as a divorced man could be.

[pinhead]

D&C,

Stay focused on your kids. They can't be your salvation, but they can help you as you rebuild your life.

Stay focused on yourself. You're not a failure because of your sitch. You're a failure if you don't do what's best for you and your kids. You've been fighting to save your marriage, and that's a noble thing.

[Dazed&Confused]

I try to remind myself of that everyday! Everything that I am doing is for my kids and myself. It's going to be hard to remove "my family" from that statement, but I am trying.

It's also hard not to feel sorry for the W. My wounds are still very fresh, and it is still very hard for me to hear her cry. I have slipped up everytime and said "don't worry babe, everything will be fine". My heart jumps after I realize what I said, and then I get mad at myself. It's just so frustrating not being able to express my feelings to her.

The ironic thing, is that I probably didn't do it enough before this. Now, those feelings continue to just pop into my head when I see her on Skype or talk to her on the phone. I have been doing a decent job of boxing those feelings away, but it takes its toll on you. I try to contiually remind myself that I did not make this decision. These are her wishes. Put one foot in front of the other, and prepare myself for a future without her.

Sometimes this goes well, and sometimes I just break down and don't want to think about it. Things are going to be so different from here on out, and that is a little scary. I just tell myself that this will be an opportunity for me to be great father. I will be doing it on my own, but that should make it that much more rewarding. I will be able to take care of the rest of my life on the week I don't have them, and be super dad on the week I do.

It's just that the future, the unknown, is scary. When you think about the future and don't have any clear idea of the path that you are on, it can be down right frightening. I haven't had that feeling in a long time. Since getting married, and starting a family, I kind of always knew what my path was, and what my goals were. Now that path is covered with leaves, and I have to find some new goals.

I will do this, I will find my new path, and I will forge these new goals with only myself and kids in mind. Is it scary? Yes. Can I do it? Hell yes!