WAW Using God III

[pigskin]

Journaling:

Nothing like a good old fashioned R talk. W came over yesterday to pick up the kids and discuss the things she said were bothering her relating to "personal integrity".

Basically it was her trying to determine how in the hell I got some information that the OM's W said she got from me. I had told the OM's wife some things in confidence, not really thinking that she'd blab about it, but not really concerned if she did. My W just wanted to confirm how I got the info, and I was honest with her - through carelessness on her part in leaving email up and notes unhidden.

Was not really a big deal, but then the discussion turned into an R talk after W asked about what was going on with my lawyer. I told her I'm still waiting on paperwork. She talked about mediation again, I told her I'd listen to a mediator but I am still retaining a lawyer. I told her the paperwork should be coming soon, I'll review it, make any changes, then pass it along to her to determine if we have an agreement.

I told her I'd like to get this over with sooner rather than later, because "Unlike you, I won't move on to another relationship until this one is legally ended".

She said she thought that comment was hurtful, and that's what led into a long rehash of pretty much everything that has been covered in prior R talks.

The tone was a bit different, and she seemed like a woman who was unsure of what she was doing. She admitted deep down she had a feeling that divorce is not the right move, but again covered the ground of being too afraid that she would come back and nothing would be different.

She did say something interesting - "You wouldn't take me back even if I wanted to come back. You said you were "done" and even told the OM's W that".

At that point I told her I pray every night that she would come back and heal the family. That I loved her and I would take her back that instant if she was serious about it. She broke down and cried.

She still clings to past hurts. She is off her depression meds now, as she felt she could get along without them, so asked her doctor to wean her. She admitted to not being very happy a lot of the time, and that she doesn't like being alone in her apartment. She refuted my comment about her "living in a fantasy world", and said it was not like that at all.

She said that if she came back and it didn't work, she would likely commit suicide. She said she was serious - she didn't think she could handle the marriage not working for the second time and her losing the OM relationship.

She again harped on old wounds that I had inflicted (unintentionally, but still inexcusably), and characterized them as the things I needed to work on before she could ever consider another relationship. "Why should I give up this (the OM relationship) when there is so much of this (past issues) that hasn't been resolved?"

She talked about times she said she reached out to me but didn't get a response that indicated I wanted anything to do with her. These were times when I was DBing since her affair was going strong, and I told her that I was not going to have anything to do with someone trying to maintain two relationships. She seemed to think that was a cop out, but that's to be expected.

The past issues she is concerned with have largely been dealt with. I am a changed man, but she is not around to see it. She still sees me as someone focusing on her affair as the problem while she sees the past issues as the problem.

I told her it is a catch 22 the way she views it. She needs to end the affair in my eyes. I need to fix the issues in her eyes and demonstrate that (they are fixed, but I'm not pursuing someone in an affair).

I told her why does one need to precede the other? We should both agree to fix the issues in each other's eyes simultaneously.

She's definitely feeling the weight of our situation. She's not looking forward to 3 kids in school in her one bedroom apartment (on days she has the kids). She admitted divorce was not an optimal solution. She is bothered by the fact that "our" friends have now seemingly become just my friends.

I don't know where it will go from here, but I'm not stopping my march toward divorce. When the paperwork comes, I fully intend to give it to her. I told her it is not what I want, but I have waited long enough. I am prepared for either outcome.