IB Actually he doesn't really even know what he wants...the WAS says they do but all the floundering they do proves otherwise.
NC is good for the soul of the LBS...it is hard at first but it does get better...it allows you to keep your focus and this is important.
I am not sure if my H would have ever reconnected with me if I hadn't extended a hand...I could see him at a vulnerable place...he would be talking about things in a way that I felt maybe he was "thinking about us"...I would be very nice then, inviting him to stay for dinner, or what ever...it was not at all a one-sided action when he returned...personally I think that is where pride would have stopped him...not to mention, deep inside he knew what pain he caused me and he even broke down once about the time were considering get back together...in his tears and sobbing he told me that he didn't deserve forgiveness...I knew then he would never "ask" to come home...he didn't feel worthy...he was very close to hitting bottom and I could see it...
As for an answer to ltaylor about the return being rough...there are things they don't have worked out sometimes...you have to be careful not to fall into the pattern of being consumed by trying to "make" them happy so they won't leave again balanced with showing them they can be happy with you.
When my H returned it was obvious he had a drinking problem on top of other health issues...after a not so pretty episode I told him that I couldn't live that way...he agreed to stop but was not prepared to stop...I had to be tough...I had to call 911 twice and have him hospitalized...after the first time he was sober for 3 months...was seeing a doctor for PTSD and depression...since the second time, he has not touched a drop of alcohol (except for what I add to my spagetti sauce!)...he is on antidepressents and being treated for his diabetes...That is only one of the rough patches we hit...believe me at times I wanted him to leave again...dealing with his depression was difficult until he got it totally under control...dealing with his anger was intolerable at times...I had to give space, a lot of space even in the house...I had to remain independant...if he wanted to eat dinner he did, I didn't tell him he should eat...if he wanted to come to bed he did, I didn't tell him that I needed him to so I could get to sleep...things that I had previously done to be helpful but he viewed as controling!!!
It is learning to love and live with someone all over again but at the same time knowing them and not knowing them...it is a very confusing time.
Having a MC may help with that...we did it more or less on our own...we had some guidance from our congregation elders and I did go to some counseling sessions for myself and he did for himself...
