If this is the route you want to go (and I'm still unsure as to whether or not she's really "trying"), then just DO the things you state above . . . don't SAY them.
Men who lead, lead thru ACTION ... not thru WORDS.
Puppy
Thanks for keeping me from making a monumental mistake
So, if I were to DO that, should I just go home and tell her that we have a MC session for XYZ date?
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
- Given all that I have read and understood throughout this sitch independent of personal sitch, I do not believe we can resolve our conflicts without MC help. - Therefore, I will take the lead on this situation, and as long as she wants to stay in this house, that means that she "wants to want this marriage." - If she is going to continue to "try" by staying in this house, which I applaud her for, then it should be productive. MC is the only way that can be productive. - Therefore, she has given an answer already, in fact two months ago to the question that the MC asked in our session on Monday.
Why are you going thru all of these logic contortions to "rescue" her from her MC assignment (to make a decision about wanting to "try to try")????
It's not your job to make this easy on your wife. Your validation is good -- keep that part up. But don't try to rescue her from her crucible (ref. Snarch); it is in that crucible that life's most meaningful decisions often get made.
- Given all that I have read and understood throughout this sitch independent of personal sitch, I do not believe we can resolve our conflicts without MC help. - Therefore, I will take the lead on this situation, and as long as she wants to stay in this house, that means that she "wants to want this marriage." - If she is going to continue to "try" by staying in this house, which I applaud her for, then it should be productive. MC is the only way that can be productive. - Therefore, she has given an answer already, in fact two months ago to the question that the MC asked in our session on Monday.
Why are you going thru all of these logic contortions to "rescue" her from her MC assignment (to make a decision about wanting to "try to try")????
It's not your job to make this easy on your wife. Your validation is good -- keep that part up. But don't try to rescue her from her crucible (ref. Snarch); it is in that crucible that life's most meaningful decisions often get made.
Got it. So what do I need to do? I feel like if I just leave it be or whatever we'll be in perpetual limbo or something. She's never made decisions ever, or if she has they have always come with the input of someone else or by herself really slowly.
Should i...
"I'd like to make another appointment with the MC, but I will not do so until you've made a decision on your assignment. You said you required a day to think about it. It's been 5."
And just wait...
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Got it. So what do I need to do? I feel like if I just leave it be or whatever we'll be in perpetual limbo or something. She's never made decisions ever, or if she has they have always come with the input of someone else or by herself really slowly.
Again, you and I keep trying to control our Ws. If she wants to stay in limbo, let her stay. Perhaps she'll respond better over time to your 180s etc. Maybe she won't. Or eventually you'll decide that you don't want to live in limbo, and you'll make changes in your living arrangements to fit what you want.
Make one more appt. with the MC, let your wife know when it is, and go with or without her. Hopefully, she'll go, and then you can let the MC follow up on her "to-do" with your wife. After all, it was your MC's "assignment," not yours.
I went home for lunch after taking S4 to the library for story time. We had a great time. Ate lunch with W.
She then asked me why I was upset this morning. I told her that I wasn't. She asked me again, and said, "Don't lie to me, just tell me."
I told her that I did not like living in this limbo situation, and that it was frustrating to me. She agreed that she felt the same way.
I told her that I was making another appointment with the MC. She said, "Ok...." I tried to leave it at that. She then said, I think I should write the MC with how I feel. I told her that was a good idea. So, she's in the middle of writing an email to the MC, which she said she would let me read.
We're about to see what she's been feeling, and to be honest, I'm scared this might be the determining factor in whether she stays or goes. I don't know anymore. Anxiety is back up again, but I'm holding it together in front of her.
She also said that tonight we should sit down and come up with a list of boundaries. I told her that I already had mine, and I was prepared to share them with her if she would like me to. She said that would be good.
I guess what sucks the most is that we married when W19 and M23. We were very young, and were never given any tools to work on our marriage with. We never knew about boundaries or respect or the like, so our marriage inevitably started to fail on day #1, we just did not know it. That's frustrating. The MC we have is prepared to give us all those tools, and then some, and that's exciting to me. But, we may never be given the opportunity if my W decides she just doesn't want to do it. Bummer.
Feeling pretty down right now.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Don't play the "If only we had known how to be married" game. It'll just eat you up. You can replay every action and conversation over in your head till you get early onset Alzheimers.
Focus on where you are today. What values you have. Your boundaries. What you want in life in terms of goals.
If your wife gives up on the M, then it's her loss. She's losing out on a man who's trying his hardest to become a better man, a better husband.
You're going to be fine. All of us are, no matter the outcome. As long as we focus on the right things, not the past. It's one thing to learn from your mistakes, it's another to relive them.
