Hi Ogda, I have been keeping up on your thread ever since you posted on the SSM section. Your success is so inspiring!
I wanted to offer my take on her comments about feeling guilty. I think she is testing you. She obviously wants to remarry but I think she is afraid that things will revert to the way they were. So she is giving you little "tests" to guage what her next move should be.
I have done this to my husband as well, and it is NOT fair, I now realize. If I had made the guilty comment what I would have been wanting to hear in return is something like this: "Yes it is incredibly hard to be this close to you and not take it farther--you are torturing me, woman!" or some other lighthearted joke like that. What I wouldn't have wanted to hear is that he was content to just cuddle. Is that the impression you are giving her?
Now, all women love to cuddle and I'm sure she is no different, but we also like to feel that we are so desirable that just keeping it to Cuddling Level is next to impossible for our men. I'm SURE it was for you, but I think that she was fishing for those words to be spoken aloud.
I also think she did this once before, over an infection?, and I wanted to offer my opinion so that if she does it again, you can try a different approach and see if that is indeed what she was fishin' for!
You know I really haven't been reading ALL of your posts, but just now I went back through the last couple days and after reading them am getting a vibe of peaceful from you...you have found that inner peace, haven't you?
Or, maybe I'm way off base and you're just a super wonderful, thoughtful nice kind of guy who's always at peace..
Have a great day, my coffee's not quite doing it for me this morning. I make it myself--it's a Starbucks kind of day and there isn't one close. Oh well PMA is up so maybe that's all I need today.
Quote: What I wouldn't have wanted to hear is that he was content to just cuddle. Is that the impression you are giving her?
Well, since I have been taking my Testosterone supplements she knows that I want more than to just cuddle and we have had sex on several occasions since the D was final. About two weeks ago she made the statement that she did not want our R to be just about sex so I have been trying to convey a sense of Love rather than lust. However, I do agree with you that sometimes it is nice to sence that someone really, trully, wholehartedly LUST after you in a physical way. I am trying to balance my approach to her in this area. It is a very fine tightrope to walk.
She also made the statement on several occasions that she does not want to hurt me any more. I have told her that I would rather have little disappointments from time to time in our R that to just call it quits and move on, and that I would rather be Disappointed rather than for her to do something with me that she was not ready to do. I have on several occasions told her what I do want in our R and what I would like her to do although I have not pushed her to do anything until she is ready. While we have in the past kinda read each others minds, I do believe that I should not rely on that method of communication and to be more direct with my wants.
In the DBing the thing to to try something and monitor, so I might try alittle more next time and see what happens. I am going to help her baby sit our grandchildren (7 and 2) next Friday night and the plans are for me to spend the night as we are taking my grand daughter (11) to the Cabbage patch doll factory the next day for her Christmas present. Then we have an Office Christmas Party that night and will be getting back to her place kinda late so I will likely spend the night again. Will monitor and maybe adjust my approach.
Well I just had an interesting time using a lot of DBing principals with a friend. I went to Dinner with an Attorney friend of mine last Wednesday night and tonight. Seems that he is having lots of problems with his W and all his other friends have been telling him to just leave her and move on. He has a 3 year old son that he dearly loves and she is from S. America and if they split would likely return. He said that I am the only one that has told him to fight for his M. I reviewed alot of the DBing principals and told him of the BB and the support here. He said he was planning on having a serious R talk this Sunday and lay down the law. In talking with him I believe that I showed him that while that might make him feel better in the short run, it would only make her defensive and would drive her further away, possibally beyone the point of no return.
I tried to convence him to just lay low this weekend (tomorrow is her birthday) and make tomorrow and Sunday as plesant as he could and to just read. He borrowed my DR and plans on reading tonight and the rest of the weekend. I also told him to pull up this web page and scan through some of the success stories. I told him that there is no hurry in doing his R talk and that if he really wanted to have the talk that reading DR first would at least help him phrase the talk in the best light possible.
I hope that it works for him and will advise if he startes to post. Meanwhile, if everyone would just give him a little prayer. I know that I will.
It's about damn time I got over here!! Thanks for your posts to my thread.
Doesn't it feel WONDERFUL to pass the DR message along? It's like a high you get when you know you're doing GOOD for someone...whether they take the advice or not...they at least have the CHANCE before it's too late. I had the opp to do that last year with a good old pal of mine...talk about 180's!
I think things are sounding really good for you, O!
The subtle intimacies, the I miss you's...
I agree that the physical side of things is a bit of a tightrope for you to walk...she doesn't want it to be JUST about sex...but DOES want to feel desired (a BIG vote yes on this one from me...but you know what MY sitch is like ).
Whatever you're doing, keep it up!
Shiny
P.S. and yes it was my closing line that brought this to mind.
Ogda, you mention testosterone supplements....CJ has had a low sex drive thing going on for years (he's only 42).
My theory is that he might be a natural low/med drive. He had only two lovers before me (and we got together when he was 29), had never had oral sex , and thus was rather TAKEN with our first year's sexual adventures.
During this first year, (average 1-3 times A DAY!! ) he lost about 70% of all the total hair lost on his head (in the male pattern areas) and grew ALL of his chest hair!!!
I'm thinking this was due to surges of testosterone from this sexual awakening. A couple of years in, however, both his hairl loss and his libido slowed right down.
I know some of it is psychological (since viagra works, when he's willing to take it for the plumbing aspect), but I DO believe there may be a testosterone shortage here too.
Ironic thing is, I'm a high sex drive/ high testosterone woman...and if I didn't take care of it, I'd have the moustache to prove it!
It does feel good - He was so down and I was telling him that there was hope when everyone else was saying it was over. Told him that even if things did not work between them that at least he would feel good about himself in that he had tried to do everything he could to save his M.
As to the physical area. I do try to let her know that I find her physically attractive. She has noticed on more that one occasion (really a whole bunch) that I was staring at her "attributes" and I do insert several sexual Innuendoes in our conversations and lately she has also "innuendoed" too.
Looking back on things I think that my Testosterone started dropping after I had my vasectomy right after my first divorce about 12 years ago. I have been told, however, that they are not connected. During most of the time since then, I was going to law school and then starting my own practice after passing the bar. Of course during that time anything close to a personal life was nothing more that a pipe dream.
When I started dating again I noticed that I was having a slight problem but did not want to admit it, even to myself. The male ego thing.
When I met C, I got that newly wed, first year's sexual adventures thing and really had no problems but then the 2nd year and marriage routine thing set in along with the drop in libido which led to performace anxiety. This coincided with C's becomming a grandmother and her MLC and also the change of life thing with all the hot flashes, emotional swings etc. and thus started our problem. Performace anxiety and low libido casued me to pull away and she was therefore positive that I no longer loved her and she pulled away which casued more performance anxiety which casued.......until the bomb. That finally caused me to go to the Doc. I have been taking the Testosterone supplements ever since.
Problem is that it works and I am now a High Sex drive person and C is now taking AD's which suppress her Sex drive. Now that is Ironic. She is aware of this though and has said several times that she will not be on AD's forever and to just be patient.
Well I kinda revealed alot here but it may help some see where I am in my R. and to let others know that if you seem to be having a problem with performance to go check it out with the Dr. In addition to the miracle blue pill there are other things that your Dr. can give you to help. Do it before it is too late.
The pattern you described sounds eerily familiar (except no hot flashes here yet!). And as for revealing a lot...well...there ain't a whole lot we haven't read and written on the bb!!
Any unwelcome side effects from the T? (aside from the ironic obvious, that is! )
Quote: During this first year, (average 1-3 times A DAY!! ) he lost about 70% of all the total hair lost on his head (in the male pattern areas) and grew ALL of his chest hair!!!
LOL! My H grew a lot of chest hair after he met me and we always joked about it being due to "hormone storms" (Of course, it may just have been him finishing puberty, since he was only 22 when I met him ).
Seriously, though, about the testosterone thing - it's rare in guys CJ's age, but not impossible, to have a low testosterone level. Also, he should be checked for thyroid disease, which can cause depression and loss of libido. Also, regular exercise is good for libido and depression, so do you think you could get CJ to join you in some New Year's Resolutions?
Shiny - no unwelcome side effects (unless you count a higher libido without a willing partner, but I am working on that) but the paperwork that comes with the gel has several things to look for. I am taking the AndroGel, a word search in your browser, yahoo or google should pull up several websites including the manufacturs page. When I went to the Dr. he just did a blood test to find my level was low. Also, when I went to the Dr. there was a short (12 question) questionair by the manufacturer that said if you answer yes to any 4 of the questions or either of 2 main questions that you might be low testo levels, I answered 10 of the 12 yes including both of the 2 main ones.
Also check out Ellie's response - she knows what she is talking about. Unfortunially, getting your S to go to the Dr. may be really hard to do, I did not want to admit I had a problem until I got woooped upside the head with her 2x4 bomb.
).
, and thus was rather TAKEN with our first year's sexual adventures.
