You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[ClingingToHope]

Journaling about a couple of very long, emotional, fun days.

Sunday, we finally made it to Great America. We were going to go in July but bailed because of the weather.

This time it started out lousy and I thought it was going to rain all day. We bought ponchos ($25 worth) when we got to the park. But within an hour the weather cleared.

We recruited one of D11's friends along so she could go ride bigger rides while D8 and I stuck to the smaller ones.

Lots of money spent but a very fun day all around. D8 was enchanted by MagiQuest -- look it up -- and we spent 1 1/2 there.

Mid-day we met up with D11 and her friend to do a water ride, eat and then D11 and I rode the Superman ride. That was extremely fun.

We stayed until the park closed and we got a couple roller coaster rides in at night -- which really excited D8. It's hard to explain but coasters are just more fun at night.

The mosquitos were bad though and D11 and her friend had to bail on their final coaster because they were getting eaten up.

Before hitting the car, there was a parade with all the characters lit up. D8 said this was actually the best part of the trip. I hope so, I held her on my shoulders for 20 minutes and was in serious pain.

My mind was swirling occasionally about STBXW and her trip to South Dakota with her biker buddies. We went to Great America just once together. It was way back when we were dating. Her older sister and husband were in town and out of the blue they called her and asked if she wanted to do Great America. It was noon by then. She called me and I said sure and we all went.

It was a pretty good day. I'd never met her sister -- who liked me then but hates me now -- or her husband, who is a great guy as is his whole family. I miss him.

Anyway, what I remember is that STBXW is not a daredevil. She does not like coasters and I got her on a few. But in terms of vivid memories, we went down the water ride and she got soaked and had this big smile.

I never saw that smile much. It was always work to get that smile. I've learned since that it isn't my job to get that smile to come out and I'm not a failure because I couldn't get that smile. It's all on her.

Now Monday, ugh, what an up-and-down day.

D11 is spending the week with MIL at the family campground. MIL didn't really want D8 for the week. It's too tiring for her to have both, so they asked me to bring D11 down and keep D8 until Thursday. The MIL said I could stay and swim with them for the day.

This was big for both girls. Until last summer, the campground was hanging out with STBXW and MIL at the trailer and swimming with dad at the beach and pool.

I remember taking them in the water as babies. Holding their hands as they started swimming in deeper water and swimming with, encouraging and not letting D11 quit when she first swam to the dock.

Once she made it out there, the dock was our thing. We'd swim out there while STBXW -- who is not a strong swimmer -- would stay in close with D8.

I didn't go at all last summer since I moved out on Mother's Day and hadn't been there yet this summer.

We've been swimming a lot at my uncle's and D8 has really improved. The last trip to the campground D8 swam to the dock with STBXW and was sooooo excited she called me right after.

I was happy for her and sad for myself. Another milestone missed.

But Monday was our day and once we got down there, changed and went to the beach, we went straight to the water and D8, D11 and I swam to the dock.

D8 made it only occasionally holding my hand. We spent 2 1/2 hours swimming.

I stood on the dock at times and remembered them as babies. This was a hard trip for me. They were so happy to have me there and it felt so natural to be there.

I said to both before going that it may be my last trip there. That upset both of them. But while I was there I made a pact to myself and then repeated it to them that I would come again, whenever STBXW and MIL allowed because it's just too fun to spend the day with them swimming to ever turn down an invitation.

I'm not sure if STBXW will ever invite me again. The campground is her childhood and I always felt a little uncomfortable there because she had so many memories there.

But now I have so many memories there as well and it hurts to have to turn the page. I've been doing my best to create our place. My uncle's pool for one. We've spent lots of time there this summer and next year I'll live right next door and have the girls for four weeks. So I'm sure 20 years from now they'll be talking about that.

It just sucks to have to create these alternate realities. The friend who came with to Great America comes from a divorced family. Her parents split when she was three so it's all she's ever known.

D11 said she wished STBXW had split up when she was younger so this didn't feel so weird. That is just a heartbreaking thing to here.

After swimming, we hung out at the trailer for a while. MIL had made dinner and we waited until it was ready and ate together. Then D8 wanted to watch TV for a while. Finally, at 7 p.m. I was able to coax D8 to the car and leave D11 behind with her grandmother.

D11 is a brave girl. She wants everyone to be happy so she tries not to show the hurt. She is burying it deep down inside. I really, really, really worry about her.

D8 and I came home and watched TV for a while. She played on the computer while laying with me on the couch and then we went to sleep.

Here's an interesting place to sleep. She pulled the chairs out from the table, put a quilt over the top to make a fort. She wanted to sleep under the fort. So we did. I spread blankets out to make it somewhat comfortable. The floor was still very hard and I thought she'd want to switch to a bed, but she never did. It's 8 a.m. and she's just stirring. I actually have to get off the computer and take a shower. I have to go to work today.

So what about those two days?

[ClingingToHope]

Got a ton done at work and got out in time to pick up D8 early. We sat around a while before hitting the uncle's swimming pool with two of her friends.

The friends are staying the night and are downstairs in "the fort."

I got to mostly relax. Tomorrow I'll try to take care of my share of the taxes. Wednesday perhaps I'll call the SBA and try to get STBXW on the second mortgage.

It's a 3 percent disaster loan. STBXW is looking for wiggle room. That's exactly the last loan she should touch.

But hey, she's getting advice from someone else now. It's her show.

D11 comes over tomorrow night. Summer is swiftly dwindling now. In two weeks they are back to school.

I am already thinking about next summer.

[awest1217]

Yes summer does fly by. It is awesome that you are thinking ahead, but there is a lot of time before next summer. Any ideas of things to do with the girls in the winter and fall? Could you go apple picking, a pumpkin patch, or a corn maze in the fall? Are there good places to go sledding for the winter? Imagine making a snow fort with D8.

Glad you had a good beginning of the week.

[ClingingToHope]

Awest, there's all kinds of fun to be had in the winter, but I budget for one fun thing a weekend -- in terms of money. It's a mix of bowling, the library, the local museums, the health club, sleepovers, sledding, the movies, Chuck E. Cheese, church.

This winter will be different just because we'll have our own house, rather than a townhouse with a crazy neighbor.

The big trip this winter will be Great Wolf Lodge for Christmas. They have MagiQuest there. I looked online and a one night stay is $190. We could get there at check in time Saturday, spend the rest of the day and night swimming and then check out the next day and spend the rest of the day swimming.

We'll also make at least one more trip in to Chicago. Probably in October before it gets too cold to take the Water Taxi.

I do have to plan ahead for summer though. I estimate I need to save at least $3,000 when you factor in summer camps, the extra cost to feed them since I'll have them for four weeks out of the 10.

[ClingingToHope]

Another chunk of money gone. I paid the IRS $2,500, which leaves about $170. I'll let STBXW finish the rest.

[ClingingToHope]

This makes me feel a little better. I went to put some money in the girls college accounts. We were putting $100 a month in for each when together, but now I can only afford to put $25 each in each time I get a check from my side job.

I really hope to get back to monthly contributions next year. We'll see.

Anyway, D11 is up to $9,445 in her account and D8 is $6,669 in hers.

At least it's something. I had ZERO for college.

[ClingingToHope]

Couple of things tonight. On the way to the water park -- it was my night with the girls and we had free tickets -- D11 told me she talked to STBXW's older sister.

SIL asked how they were doing with the divorce and D11 said they were OK. She told SIL it was hardest on me -- that I still love STBXW.

That gave me pause. I want them to know I love their mom and this wasn't my choice, but I don't want them to feel sorry for me.

How do you do that?

Wednesdays at the water park they stay open until 9 p.m. It was close to the closing when I thought of how much I enjoy spending time with the girls. It's just a lot of fun. And then I tried to remember fun times with STBXW and there were remarkably few.

I mean, we never went to the water park on Wet Wednesdays. She rarely wanted to do anything. She just likes to sit and watch TV and read books.

When we were younger it was like pulling teeth to get her to do anything. For a long time she would do it. I remember on our anniversary, I got her to go snorkeling. We talked about it for years.

But then she started saying no and meaning it and then I stopped asking and just assuming she'd say no.

Honestly, we aren't well matched when it comes to doing things. She's just ... boring.

Whoever comes along next, they have to want to get out there. I'm tired of doing things on my own. That's why I love having the girls so much.

[mishka422]

As long as you are doing things for your own enjoyment and not for the sake of being busy constantly, it's all good. When you try to cram so much into a day that you have no real downtime, then you have some underlying issues to deal with.

Remember, your girl's memories will be of time spent with you, not specifically what kind of activity you were doing. A quiet downtime with popcorn and a movie in the living room is just as memorable as an evening at a waterpark as long as you are together.

[ClingingToHope]

MIL picked up the girls this morning and I won't see them until next Wednesday. I'm a little down about that, but relieved I don't have to see MIL, younger SIL or STBXW for a while now.

I'm even thinking about STBXW's South Dakota trip. We took several long trips together.

Cozumel for our anniversary. Great, great, great trip, but hey we were newlyweds.

Puerto Vallarta our second year in. OK. STBXW was such a wallflower that we didn't do much except lay around the pool and shop.

Dallas, Texas, when D11 was 2. An OK trip. D11 was sick the entire time so I can't put this on STBXW.

Las Vegas without kids for our 10th anniversary. This is where we just don't communicate well. She said she had a great time on the trip. I didn't see it. I saw someone grumpy the entire time. She sucked the joy out of Vegas if you can believe that.

Disney World in 2008. We had to take the MIL along. The marriage was crumbling so I knew deep down it was our last big trip together. The girls loved it, but not a fun moment between us.

So STBXW is in South Dakota for a week. Big deal. I've known her long enough to know I'd be having a lousy time if I was with her.

The fact is, I honestly don't like STBXW. I was so physically attracted to her and addicted to being in a relationship that I was willing to fight through that fact.

Monday, at the family campground, when I was down about not being able to be down there together as a family. I realize now that almost none of my positive memories have anything to do with STBXW. The first weekend we were down there together and the couple of days we spent there after we got married were great times.

Otherwise, my happy moments at the campground are entirely because of the girls. That's what I miss -- time with them. I don't actually miss STBXW. I thought about that last night at the water park. STBXW would have spent the entire time sitting in a chair watching and asking when were we going to leave.

I'm letting go more of the rope.

[ClingingToHope]

Mildly annoyed. I called the Small Business Administration to get STBXW included on our disaster loan/second mortgage. She says she has called them and they refuse to deal with her because she's not on the loan.

Well, the SBA emailed me PDFs of the documents with her signature on them and assured me she is on the loan and can discuss changes, etc.

I don't know if she is just lying to me or called the wrong number or what.

So I forwarded the email on to my attorney and STBXW. This was 20 minutes wasted and -- with the letter exchanges between the lawyers -- cost me about $200.

Here's the other thing. It's a 3.25 percent loan. It's the last loan she should touch. She should pay down the primary loan and all of the credit cards she opened and maxed since I moved.

But, hey, she's getting advice from others now.