New Game- Exposed

[CD Bear]

You also want to have the conditions in your mind that will allow you to readjust that boundary. They are conditionally fluid.

Condition is 'stop the affair; break contact; send letter; transparency: I'll adjust my boundary.

[steady]

BTW, I just "smoked" my Allen Carr book

LMAO...well I just 'chewed' mine like a piece of gum.

[CD Bear]

I find it more efficient to simply eat the cigarettes

[CD Bear]

she cried about something you said...tears of guilt? Did she come running back? How much pain have you been through? How much pain are you in?

DAMN STRAIGHT!!

Now you draw a very CLEAR boundary that is there for YOUR health and the health of your D. That HEALTHY boundary puts your W on the outside. It's not you withdrawing, it's you putting her on the outside of your circle. You aren't curled up in a ball made of your own little world.

Your world has expanded BECAUSE you set the boundary. You're not hidden, you're standing tall for EVERYONE to see. She can see but she's not allowed to be in your world because she's being banished until she stops her nonsense.

BIG BIG DIFFERENCE.

Where, oh where, can I find "Boundaries for Dummies"?

[SunnyD]

Just remember, CD, that these little exchanges are never the be all end all. You win some, you lose some, and then there are draws. As Steady mentioned, sometimes the best way to learn is through the mistakes. I don't think this was fatal by any means. You just want to win more in the future than you draw or lose!

Personally, I view it when someone is snarky in replying that it means they care. Thus, the point of "how do you text apathy" is a valid one. We ALL want to say, "Go ___ yourself!" lol but what we have to do is try and take all emotion out of our responses to our WAS. Sometimes that's best done by not replying at all, esp. not to a first text/email/call of an exchange. Then, if they persist, can get a little stronger and reply with something unemotional and boundary laden.

I'm speaking from experience here, as to what has worked with me in the past, not necessarily from my current sitch because it's a little different right now.

[steady]

I think SunnyD said it better - it's taking the emotions out rather than apathy. Apathy is defined as state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation and passion. An apathetic individual has an absence of interest or concern to emotional, social, or physical life. They may also exhibit an insensibility or sluggishness.

There is caring, but it's done without the emotions. Kind of sounds like an oxymoron. I guess it's more of a neutral position when interacting.

Ok, that's the word lesson of the day.

[CD Bear]

Well, after a lousy night's sleep (way too short), I can see that I didn't lose that one but it could have been better. Maybe a draw.

I got a couple things out that may have made her think but it was too friendly.

I have to remember THE bondary. Numero Uno.

"I will not live in an open marriage"
My original use of this was in the confrontation before vacation. And it was more about not having her in the house and agreeing that we should separate. And some of it ws said "for effect"

But I took my eyes off that since I spoke with her Monday. I mentioned it again to her. "If you end the A, I may be willing to discuss this further"

So when the texts and phone calls picked up, I thought I may have triggered something.

Doesn't matter. She needs to come WAY FURTHER my way before I should ANY distance back to her. She needs to catch up.

And I will not discuss personal, "friendly" things while there are 3 people in my marriage. I need the space again.

Been reading Robx's old thread. He makes reference to LBS becoming a WAS. I need to get to THERE. And soon.

Thanks for keeping up with me Sunny.

I gotta remember I am "leading" the Divorce until she changes direction. If it takes too long, I am OK with getting on with my life. She may have been the one to "ask" for the divorce, but I am the only one pursuing it.

[steady]

You most likely did trigger something. The goal is to keep that momentum going. You do that by keeping the boundary solid. The boundary is the triggering mechanism.

Oh Mike from Tennesse used to talk about the LBS becoming the WAS. It is true. I don't feel like a LBS anymore. Because I've taken my power and control of my life back, I have become a WAS. That's only because my W has not changed and I know a healthy M is not possible unless she does.

I am no longer willing to be in a R with a woman who has the issues she has. Like me, she needs to work on overcoming them, otherwise there could not be a viable M.

Also CD, like Sunny said, there hardly is ever a deal-breaking single event or interaction. Sure they exist - like beating them up, but it's usually a consistent pattern of abusive and disrespectful behavior. IMO.

I remember I used to trigger off into catastrophe mode every time there was an interaction that looked negative.

[CD Bear]

Well, as far as emotion in the texts with W, there weren't any. I wasn't angry or sappy.

But I was "interacting" in her conversation. I need to acknowledge her conversation but not encourage it. Again, likely come off as "more of the same" so that bothers me.

I believe I have to let her know (when she starts one) that I really will not involve myself in her personal friendly exchanges while she is sleeping with someone else.

She either/or is looking for "guilt-relief; keeping it light for fear I'll crush her in the D; or looking for evidence I am "open" to her now that she may see some respectability; testing the waters as the A may be failing"

Regardless, she needs to know that I demand and deserve respect. Keeping the A is unacceptable. I'm out until then.

She has 2 R's. Pick one. This one is unavailable until that time.

[CD Bear]

I remember I used to trigger off into catastrophe mode every time there was an interaction that looked negative.

Ah,my little brother. Chip off the old block