I have read the book "The Divorce Remedy", it was lent to me by my Therapist. I enjoyed it very much, it enlightened me in many ways. I tried to get my ex- spouse to read it as well - she said she read most of it online, but I don't know if she ever did - and if so, it will even help. She is not interested in discussing our relationship, right now, or maybe permanently. I have also spent a lot of time reading through forums, blogs, literature etc. Just looking for some help and advice.. on many levels - dealing with a separation, how to save your marriage or how to get it back. I must say, I found a multitude of information and may interesting situations - some forums were actually..scary. Jerry Springer material, is the best way to describe it. I never did join any groups, just read. I have decided to join a forum, and I chose this one. After reading through many threads, I have found I am not alone...there are so many of you going through what I am! It almost brought tears to my eyes when I read some posts – that is when I knew I had to hop on board. I have been spending to much time talking to friends and family about my situation, and I don't want to exhaust them with my issues. I think this is a healthier coping environment for me.
I am 39 years old, my ex-spouse is 30. We have two boys ages 3 and 5. We were married for 7 years. We have been separated for seven months, living in separate homes for just under 6 months. She moved out with the kids, the decision to separate was hers. It was quick, she pretty much just walked out. We have a verbal agreement on most things such as who was getting what, finances, children etc. We have nothing drafted up legally and have not consulted Lawyers, Mediators etc. I am not really prepared to yet, can't afford to either. But I believe she is ready to and she will go as far as borrowing money from her parents to get the ball rolling. I am not suspecting that, she told me. It saddens me that she wants closure so quickly..she wants this to be permanent. When she left I wanted to resolve things, I pleaded. We went to one session with a Therapist, that I arranged. I was hoping for more, but we didn’t continue, as much as I wanted to. I feel she had already moved on in her heart and mind and had too much anger to make the session productive, she also analyzed me for behaviours in the session, to justify her beliefs that things will never work out. She had seen her own Therapist for a few months prior and had sought the advice of a priest (we are Catholic). They supported her choices. I really don’t know what she said to them, to make them feel separating was the best choice. I know that the Priest had told her she had made a decision intellectually, the rest had to come from her heart…I suppose.
I ruined my marriage. I sucked ever last ounce of trust and respect my wife had for me, I killed it - and I am afraid she is at the point of no return. I have drained all of her emotional strength. She tried so hard, and I neglected to see that. She suggested counselling and I avoided it. I didn’t think it would work, though it might even make things worse. I had these options because I chose to be negative and think of the people I knew that tried it and failed. I thought about when I had tried seeing a Therapist before and they let me down, they juggled me around like they didn’t care. Each time I made an appointment there was a new Therapist in the office – they were Temps! A few years back I had found an old friend, actually, she found me – she had separated and was a single mother. We were friends back in Middle School and the early years of High School. For the first couple of years we would keep in touch, check in and see how things were going etc. When it got to the point I didn’t know what my wife had wanted from me to make her happy, I felt I never would..it discouraged me..I felt hopeless. I knew our relationship was in jeopardy. I let my friend know this. We began talking about it more often, I was now exposing my private details about my feelings and my wife. I was crossing a line. She was listening to me. This all happened very quickly, but I got into an emotional affair. I had a business trip which involved travelling close to the city she resided in. We met up and she brought her daughter. We spent a day together and talked a lot. I knew that she liked me more than a friend and wanted to carry things to the next level. I never let myself get to the point of letting things become physical during that visit. I felt really awkward – I was getting lost at a pace that mad my head spin. I was facing an opportunity to set my wife free of me. This girl had suggested our relationship was doomed anyhow, and it sounded like we shouldn’t have ever gotten married. I was in a fragile state and quite gullible. I returned from my trip, and felt more lost than I ever had. What had I done?? I presented her with that fact I thought I didn’t love her, that perhaps we got married for the wrong reasons. It didn’t take my wife to know something was up. She then logged into our computer and got into my Facebook account, where I had been talking to this other woman. I didn’t hide it all that well, like I said, it was only a friendship and that changed within a matter of a month – I was cheating and had no intention of doing that from the beginning. She was devastated, she broke down in tears and anger. She kicked me out of the house for a few days – and dealt with her pain while with our children – a few days later she took me back into the home, I was so relieved. After seeing her pain, I knew how much she truly loved me, I knew how much I truly loved her – I wanted things to work. But, there were rules and conditions of us staying together – she made them and I agreed to them..anything but being apart at that point was all I could think about. I had to go see a Therapist and give her access to all online means of communication I had…home and work email etc.. I gave her all may access codes and booked a session with a Therapist. I went to see him and talked about things, what had happened etc. I only went to 3 or 4 session. It felt alright, but I didn’t really know why I was there, what I was wanting to accomplish. I felt I was there because she wanted me to be, because she knew what I should be getting therapy for..I didn’t. She was not pleased to find I didn’t continue with sessions, and that the few I went to wasn’t enough..she wanted to see change. Once again, what changes? What did she want? What did I want? She told me just before Christmas last year, that she was trying to make a decisions about her life and our relationship, right then I knew where it was heading. I really wish that I had reacted differently, that I had remained calm and tried to get involved in what she was going through, rather than think about myself, and fear the doom I felt looming. I chose to sleep in the basement, thinking space is what she needed. That was the last time we ever slept in the same bed. It was the worst Christmas I have ever had. We didn’t spend New Years together, I stayed home with our kids and she went out with friends. Not long after that (by the end of January of this year), she broke the news to me..it was over. Now I am faced with the fact..it is too late to reconcile. No matter how much I want to do whatever it takes. I had the same dreams of a healthy family as she did. I love her and always have, with all of my heart. Her and our children are the world to me. But I let behaviours get in the way. I neglected to see the signs and take her seriously. I saw it as nagging. When she would give up and stop nagging, I would see it as being an issue that wasn't all that important to her..because she wouldn't bring it up again. In retrospect, she wasn't nagging..she was trying to communicate with me. I was very wrong. Her concerns about our marriage and about my behaviours were quite valid. She would tell me I carry a lot of anger, she tried to help me with it..she tried so hard..at a lot of things..especially our marriage. But I didn't understand my anger, where it came from, why I had it or how to get rid of it. I was stubborn. I found no enjoyment in being this way, no pleasure at all. I wasn't trying to play games with her heart and emotions - I just plain out didn't know what I was doing and let things take their course. Even though I knew I had done things to hurt her and our family. And without change, I understand now that she could never see change happening if I hadn't taken the steps during our 7 years together - I hadn't put any urgency behind it. It probably insulted her when she told me she was walking away from the marriage, that I decided to open my eyes and tell her how much I want to work on our marriage. The fact she had to go to that extent, must have hurt her and made her even angrier at me. I continued to see the Therapist I booked the appointment with for us. She is an Imago Therapist, but also does individual counselling. I saw her for 5 months (my company benefits only covers so many sessions – but I will be returning to see her…just need to open a new file and start the process over again through my EAP). Ever hour I saw her, I talked and I talked..I had SO much to say! I spent one session just crying..but it sure felt good. I discovered something, Therapy is great! I really needed this, my wife was so right about it. I have made all the idiotic manoeuvres that we are advised not to do after a separation - beg, plead, say sorry a million times, say I love you, bring up the kids and how much it means to put some effort into things..for their livelihood. Many emails, texts, try and talk at wrong the wrong time (kids present or she is in a rush - although it really does appears she is always in a rush and avoiding me in any way she can). I have tried to stop doing that, I have tried giving her space - may only be a month or so that goes by, then I can't help myself and I email her or try to talk to her again. Then I regret it, because I feel I have taken steps back and made things worse. Pushed her away even more.
She can be very evasive about her personal life, at times she shares what she is doing..going out with some friends or attending a work function etc. At other times she is very private. She is consistent in keeping everything about the kids..she is very strong. I know that she started dating someone before she even moved out of the house, I know so because I snooped..I invaded her privacy (via computer). I was suspicious and hurt - I now feel terrible for doing so, I was such a mess back then. I also did it because I didn't fully understand why she was leaving me, she walked out and never turned back. What she said was " I am done". I was looking for more answers, to find a new man was involved was not what I was hoping for. She denied it for a while, until I told her what I had done to find out. She was furious. I ceased from doing it anymore and did my best to accept this was a stage and hoped it would end. Man, did that hurt to know she needed to be with someone so quickly. I am pleasant with her all the time, ask her how her day was and how she feels, I wish her a good night when we are done talking to our kids on the phone. I compliment her appearance, she is beautiful and I always felt that way. I don’t get the same in return from her, and I don’t let that bother me..I try really hard not to. She is firm and focused, keeps everything about the kids and always has that wall up to protect herself. This is her time and I want to give it to her..as much as I can…it is so tough.
I have had my ups and downs. Had my couch potato episodes, and my exercise and healthy eating ones. I focus on making change as much as I can, keep my chin up, cherish and enjoy every moment I have with our sons...more than I ever had. This is the toughest, most painful thing I have ever been through in my life. When I get to be with her and out kids for just an hour at one of our sons soccer games, my heart pounds..I feel at ease..I feel so happy and I don’t want it to end. I have dreams where I we hold each other and embrace and everything is OK, I wake up in tears of joy...just to discover it was only a dream. I am having a hard time with this - I am hoping time is on my side..aside from praying to God..that is all I have. I have asked her for it (time). She never answered me and I don't think she plans to. She is doing a great job moving on with her life, I am afraid she will move on forever. I think she is already seeing another man, and not the first one she was seeing. I know that if I ask, I will be told it is none of my business. I hope she at least has the heart to tell me if she is ever going to introduce another man to our children. It is going to break my heart even more. Knowing that she may be getting intimate with another man makes me sick to my stomach – those moments when we were together were cherished by me. I never had urges to be with another woman in that way – I was very happy with my wife. What really makes things difficult for me at times…there are so many loose ends for me. I have so many questions. I want to talk things out with her so much. She does not want to listen. She doesn’t want to be involved in anything that includes thinking about me. Sorry folks..I don't even know where I am going with all of this. I just really needed to talk, to share. This looks like a good place to do it.
