to grasp you head and heart around it, it's kind of like you are never seeing him again, he has passed away. maybe that would give you closure for you and you only.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
I hope that you're getting the bulk of things in the division. And I hope that you are successful in getting child support from him when the time comes.
How to say goodbye?
I like NM's options. And what Jstar said, whatever will give you closure. My vote is for something a little bittersweet.
Keep updating us. On what exact date does he leave?
Hi P, Im not sure how you say goodbye... such an sad word! just be true to yourself and do what feels right. speak and act from the heart... dont say anything to intentionally cause hurt or try to induce regret on him, it wont work. leave him with a sweet memory of you and how special you are. and try your hardest to just love yourself and your bub (which I know you do so very much).
Hey! I was away in the mountains..just came back after 8hr car trip & the car lost its suspension, so ratttled in more ways than one! I had a good time away, got in a day of skiing as my parents and I rotated looking after bub and going for runs! Fun! Lots of nice people staying in the lodge..basically, great to just get away. Bought a really good book called "I love you but I am not in love with you" (!) by a Mr Marshall - English therapist. Really good read & helped me understand why I am still having trouble accepting what is happening..the whole lack of 'closure' thing...and what leads to the ILYBINILWY bomb..how resentment can build over years until someone in the couple loses hope and all feeling. Also talks about how deadly affairs are to reconcilliation... nothin new there, MWD! Funnily enough it also gives advice to about-to-be WAS's on how to best deliver the bomb to minimise damage... basically WH did everything that wasn't recommended! G, he also talks about Bawlby and your 'detatched' personality type. WH leaves on the 19th... in 7 days. He has one visit tomorrow and two next week. I am on a rollercoaster ride of emotions..still a lot of anger as notihing is resolved in terms of where I will live long term, with what money, etc.. As for the division, there has been almost NO discussion, other than we are both worded up that I get 65-70%... which puts me out of the market for owning my own home again anytime soon. Still composing persuing love letters and lectures in my head.. a million goodbye scenarios racing through my mind... and one; in which I say nothing. Let him talk. Emotionless. 'kay..off to check other threads.. x
Welcome back, Piano! I am so happy to hear you had a great time on your trip--you sure deserve it!
About your goodbye scenario: Let him talk and you say nothing.
Ha! I like it! Yeah- why should you have to say anything? His actions are saying it all!
Last edited by newmama; 08/12/1003:03 PM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Hi Newmama! I could talk more, but I've already done a lot of that though, haven't I? And is hasn't changed a thing. I am thinking about how it takes 18months-3 years for the 'limerance' phase of the A to wear off. I am not waiting that long. I've been thinking of deadlines - when I will really let go and move on. I think one year of seperation is enough, which takes me to this Christmas.
Found these useful words by FutureUnknown on another post:
Quote:
The key is to try your best to turn the tables in your mind. Take ALL pressure off her. Let her feel your loss, let her wonder what's going on in YOUR head. Deal with what needs to be dealt with, with grace and dignity and strength. If she crosses a boundary, decisively let her know. If she comes to you to talk, THAT's when to pay attention and tune in. Listen, validate, let her feel that you care about her. If she tries to unfairly blame you, call her on that crap. Be strong, use humor, show her a confident man, then be gone again. If she hits you with things you're not expecting, just say "Hmmm... I need to think about that, I'll get back to you."
Try to imagine that YOU'RE the one who's not that interested, make HER work to get YOUR attention, but when you decide to give it to her, be there 100%. Make every interaction with her positive, even consider enforcement of a boundary a POSITIVE thing. Just because she throws a little fit doesn't mean it wasn't positive. She will respect you for it.
When you're so emotionally wrapped up it's virtually impossible to get into the right mindset. Trust me, I know! That's why detachment is so important. Create a vision of your future without her in it, and MAKE IT a GOOD THING. That was the secret to detachment for me. Although we all hate the idea of our M ending, there are some good things about not being M. Marriage means certain restrictions and obligations, in exchange for certain comforts and security. It's a trade off.
Piano, we all have our "that's IT!" limit. For me, sadly, it took him to actually file for D. WHY?????!!!! But it did. I wish I had set that deadline and stuck by it. Of course I think it was too hard to detach since he was here every day.
Anyway, you are wise to set that deadline for yourself. I also think that with NC, you will detach. I mean, reconciliation or not, detachment is vital! Detachment does not prevent reconciliation!!!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
About not saying anything at the departure. I think that's totally fine if you want to go for it, but the message could be really angry.
I just wonder if you should just put your eyebrows up a bit and go "see ya." Something that will make him think on the plane. if you don't say anything, he could just fume at you.
But it's up to you.
He is going to regret!!! He will, P!
Oh and your book sounds really really interesting.
WH cancelled his visit to bub tomorrow. "I can't come tomorrow anymore. I am pretty distressed right now actually. I'll call you tomorrow afternoon".
Things ended not so well on his last visit to bub (3 days ago) when I insisted on knowing when he thought the time would come to actually discuss with me what went wrong with the M. He said now is not the time and the place (meaning 'now' generally, not that day specifically)..when I was pregnant that wasn't the 'time or the place' either, cos i was pregnant.. So I pointed that out to him with raised voice and he didn't like it. Rightly so.
His text has made me feel guilty. For letting my anger interfere with his visits.
And yet some of me still thinks, given everything, given the stress I've been under, it's understanable I get mad.
But anger is now a recurring thing chez moi. It has to stop.
